Apr 23

 I am keeping a very close eye on Athena for signs of any worsening of condition or even ripple in behaviour.

None at the moment. Despite a lowering of drug regime. And she seems more stable in her movements.

Currently I have cut her gabapentin down to 2 instead of 3, and also halved her paracetamol intake.

I am very hesitant to take it as a slam dunk oh she's getting better. I'm not sure I believe it. Or want to hope that far. But the signs are good.

But in another good sign. First time today in a long while. She happily wagged her tail at a back scratch. Tail up. Waggity wag. Wow. Holy shit.

Her eye however is a mess. If it wasn't for all the other issues and her age, at this point, it should have been pulled.

But. Here's my absolute hope. I can continue to slowly ween her off painkillers until we get down to a librella and gabapentin dose. Which is long term sustainable - no clocks running on that one of burning out your liver and kidneys. Is that feasible ? I have no clue. But any lessening of the more punishing painkillers is a good thing, so long as she's still comfortable and capable.

Played some games last night.

I think it must be me. I am short in patience. My fellow gamer irritated me continually. To the point I am considering whether its worthwhile continuing said game with said person. It's not the first time this irritation has come up. The problem lies in an otherwise selfless person inhabiting a very selfish gameplay style. Looting every single bit of loot. All of it. Talking over everyone to get what they want looked at - last night I was trying to explain to another player how to do something, 3 sentences of what to look for button wise on the UI, and I had to restart several times over because the irritating player kept shouting over me asking me to look what they had found. Hang on. Wait a minute. SHUT UP !

And then running off and dying. And making bad decisions. In a game that is notoriously difficult.

I am pondering if its worth it. Or if its me.

It grates. Looting all the stuff. Then hogging all the extraneous fun bits to themselves. Like making potions. Crafting. Because they have all the shit. They will give out things. But. Besides the point. They are taking that whole bit of the game for themselves, everyone else can get fucked with nary a, oh, did you want to play too question to be seen.

Irritating.

But maybe it's just me and I have a lack of patience of late.

Or maybe I am getting round to actually sounding out some bloody boundaries for shit behaviour.

Either or.

Verdict ? I am being irritated or being irritable ?

Work is slow today. Thankfully. All the ducks are still lined up from last week, just waiting to be shooed into the air. Everything seems to have dropped down a notch hair on fire headfuckery wise. So. That's good. Long may it stay that way. Gives me a chance to properly depressurise.

Pains are no bueno today. Really painful swollen right foot. Nothing as bad as had been. But still. Walking with a hobble. Meh.

In other news, brother in law was rushed off to hospital over the weekend, dropped face, felt ill, suspected stroke. Scans done, no sign of a stroke, a question mark over the whole thing. My sister, reading not too far in between the lines, is very stressed and worried about it. Even though on the surface she is all business ( it's the family way ).

I have talked to her a bit. Comforted her. Scary stuff. Even though potentially there are many reasons for a face drop not all of which are awful. It's still scary. Shit happens. You can't do anything about it. His blood pressure was very high in hospital apparently, but, then again, as I pointed out, if your face is dropping, and you are in an ambulance and shuttled into hospital. Guess what. Your blood pressure goes high. Oh say the docs. Your BP is very high ? No shit. It's a high stress situation, not necessarily indicative of anything beyond, I am scared and stressed in a place I don't want to be.

He has another scan lined up - trying to find any sign of a stroke, a blood clot. Fingers crossed it's not that and just One Of Those Things. From Bells Palsy, to Post Viral Bullshit to Migraine or a mix of the above.

I am unfortunately very well acquainted now with that horrible surreal very bad shit is happening to me hospital dealio. At some points I can be scared out of my wits. And at others. Calm at the thought of slipping off into the void. I can't even tell you the rhyme or reason to it. Sometimes the animal doesn't want to die. Other times the human has already come to terms with it. Tricky.

Nevertheless it's a horrible thing to go through. And I am sorry my sister and brother in law have had to navigate that. It's shit. Hard. Scary. Potentially life changing. Ho hum. What can you do ? Comfort. Be there. But I am powerless to do shit. As are we all. Life. Not easy.

As I talked to myself whilst I wandered around the house in search of tea yesterday, I pondered with myself, with Athena, with everything, there is no winning. Life is not a battle you can ever win. You fight. You do your best. But there is only inevitably the losing. Life is not about fighting that fight and winning. It's about fighting that fight, despite knowing you are going to lose, and doing the best you can. Which is I think, generally shit. Personally I find that all kinds of awful and very difficult to deal with. I don't like it.

Life for me has long since descended into nothing but a rearguard action against worsening horror. It occurs to me that this is life full stop when you look at it from a distance. Particularly if you are gifted with the delight of getting older and falling to pieces.

I don't know. I suspect I am being morose. And negative. And dark. A lot of people go out there and enjoy life. Ha. Good for them. As much as I try and would want it to be otherwise, I struggle hardcore to do that. Can't do that. I get an occasional concerted effort that lifts.

I guess it comes down to your attitide. And not a little of fate. And your environment. Luck. Sometimes life is a shitty hand of cards, and no matter how well you play, you're in for an ass kicking.

Sometimes I circle back to consider a tiny piece of old school human wisdom often caught as a religious trope. In Christianity or Judaism or Islam there is the saying, peace be unto you or words to that effect. Shalom Aleichem in hebrew. As-salam Alaykum in arabic. I find in that simple sentiment a whole lot of worth. All the shit the world can throw at you. The suffering. The accidents. The calamities. Sincerely - peace be with you. A hope. That things can be better for you.

Shake off the shit. The rivalries. The blood letting. There are nuggets of care and peace and wisdom and humanity in those tenets that they all share ( which is a no brainer here as those three are all siblings regardless that they hate each other ).

I wonder if there was ever a better bit of wisdom and care than just that simple saying to wish someone peace.