Apr 28

 Went to see a friend yesterday for a cup of tea and a chat.

Was difficult to get my shit sorted and get out, but I did it.

Whilst there felt pretty much ok. Was nice. Had some lovely tea ( Green Rooibos, Peach & Cherry for the record, was yum ). It came up during conversation that I was circling the drain - you've been saying that for sometime she said. Yeah. The issue is I can report how I feel, but what I can't predict is just how tenacious my bodies will to live is. Which is. Apparently. Fairly robust and bloody minded. I did say however, that I can do short periods of normality, almost like on adrenaline before I then crash and inevitably pay for it. You should see me when I wake up for instance.

No sooner had I got home I ended up paying for my afternoon.

A migraine thundered in, dragging nausea along behind it. I tried - very briefly - ignoring it, always the most stupid fucking idea before chomping some aspirin ( a gout trigger, oh boy ) and heading for bed.

I managed to see it off, got something to eat, and proceeded to feel sick for the rest of the evening, but ploughed on through it and streamed some games whilst feeling sick. It's. Bad. When just sitting at a desk is a borderline task too far. I perservered.

Today I have started a little bit brighter - I think a portion of my sleep was better than usual. Which makes me highly suspicious of the aspirin. Either damping down rampant inflammation and or, helping the old circulation not gloop up overnight. But as time has ticked on, another migraine has started to grumble, vaguely nasueous, sigh.

I think tomorrow, Monday, I will ask for a CPAP machine and see how that goes. My guess is that it's not going to do much for me. Whilst I have that issue, I don't think it will drastically alter the game board by getting it sorted. But we shall see. Give it a go. See how it does. I am utterly stupid for not trying it before now once I had got the go ahead from the doc. I should have immediately tried it, regardless of losing weight, because even IF I lost a whole bunch of weight, and even IF that helped, getting a CPAP machine would have immediately told me if the whole focus of sleep apnea was right at all ( and thus losing weight for it would be a good call ). Logical. Fast. The only reason why you wouldn't do this is money. At, £25 a month, to me at the moment, it's potatoes. I spend more than that on lunch sometimes. In my defence no one else had figured that was the right call to make because of those reasons either. So. Uh huh.

Monday. Start the ball rolling for a CPAP.

Today I checked my financial status out. Probably not faring super well given I have in the last few months 1) spent a lot of money on private healthcare 2) spent a lot of money on vet bills and 3) spent a fair amount of money on convenience because I've been off my feet.

Even one of which is enough to put a dent in your income to outgoings feed.

However, the financial state is better than I thought. Part of the wonders of living like a monk - no booze, no cigarettes, no drugs, no nada, of not being a materialist - no purchases of products, clothes, unnecessary crap - and not going anywhere. Also part of the wonders of earning a decent chunk of money for my work efforts despite only working two days.

I had spoken with a friend recently about how much I got paid versus how much I was worth. In my humble opinion I got both overpaid and underpaid. By my own estimation I earn more than enough. Embarrassingly enough compared to many people, particularly those who have to struggle on minimum wage. My friend thought you couldn't make those comparisons however. On the other hand. Compared to the going rates and also the amount of money I am generating, I am woefully underpaid. I do not have multiple houses, yachts, multiple high end luxury cars, and every fancy thing you can imagine in my lifestyle. For the record. Andy does.

As is often the way, it's around this point whomever I am talking to starts to get angry. About how much I am owed. And that if nothing else if I am not comfortable with the money, I could take the money and give it to good causes.

I can't exactly argue with it.

But at the same time, that's not me. I am not some arch capitalist looking to exploit as much money as I can. I hate that kind of mindset. And so I'm never going to be in a place where I gouge money out of everyone else to make myself richer. Sure, if I did, I could turn around and put that money to good use elsewhere, and you can perhaps make the argument that in the sharktank of capitalism you should do that, but, I also think that leading by example is also a good idea, and to me, feels a lot easier to live with than employing the same bullshit the other assholes do, but then doing it for a good cause. Does the ends justify the means ? Context is king for that question. But generally I err on the side of no the ends do not justify the means.

It's not straight forward. And I understand that by many measures I am an idiot. Certainly anyone viewing me through the unadulterated spectacles of capitalism wouldn't even pause for a breath before labelling me an idiot.

There's more to life than cut throat bullshit. In fact. I don't think we should have anything to do with cut throat bullshit at this point in our development.

And even if it is like throwing a snowball in hell, eh, I will do it. I accept its futility and that there will always be people to exploit it. No matter how many people set good examples, there will always be unethical sociopaths that are happy to take what you don't. The Trumps of the world.

But also. Such high horse moralisation. It's not that I am fighting some Don Quixote holy war. It's a lot more subtle than that. And just something I feel comfortable with. I am not comfortable with exploitation. I think that stems from my whole thing about not being a burden to others, helping others out, put them first, you second. It's just an extension of that. And probably a healthy dose of being sick of the sight of the ills of unabashed greed in our society.

Bottom line, a whole lot less laudable and ethical than it sounds. And just more like it's what I am comfortable with.

I am no paragon of virtue.

I think we can all just fumble along and do our best. Many stumbles if not continual faceplants along the way. Life is hard.

Touches on some of the conversation I had with a friend yesterday.

She was continually frustrated by the behaviour of her mom, clients, those around her, continually not picking the optimum path, or reacting badly to her logical problem solving of a situation.

Yes. You're not wrong. But also. This is the human condition. Making mistakes. Emotional. Not often about the logical. Or the percentages. And yes. You can go through life labelling everyone a dick, and or an idiot, and you're not exactly wrong, people are fucking stupid, but that's who we are ! We're not that smart ! We like to think we're that smart. But we're not. So. Steps.

Step 0 - continually frustrated and annoyed at the failures of all those around you ( and by the way, this is also going to be YOU, but, you usually have blinders on to your own failings ) and you communicate your frustration, either passive aggressively or just outright lambasting people

Step 1 - understand what people are like, and that constant failure and fuckups are par for the course, and deal with it in a positive way rather than just fighting everyone and everything - but still internally scream at how stupid people are

Step 2 - understand what people are like, look at the greater view that this is humanity all over, part of who we are as a species, and empathise with the amount of struggle and suffering this causes, how hard life can be just to be a person, and be sad at how hard that is. the anger and annoyance drops away to be replaced by empathy. Sure, you can get frustrated in places still. But there is a zen there, of understanding how difficult it is just to pick the "right" choice. And be kind. And empathetic.

Those steps are also a personal journey. In so much as at step 0 and step 1 you are using that frustration to torture yourself. Get angry. Be in a shit mood. Raised blood pressure. Raised stress. You are using the outside torment and turning it internal to hurt yourself. By being so angry. If nothing else, if you can grasp nothing else, the effect it has on your blood pressure is not good for your well being.

Step 2 is about not having that happen. Let that anger go. Do not beat yourself up with it.

So whilst those steps are very much about levels of wisdom about the external first and foremost. They are also shadowed by your internal, don't beat yourself up with the worlds problems.

As buddhism roughly notes, holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. If you want to be clinically literal about it, frame it in terms of blood pressure. Running around with elevated anger induced blood pressure is going to kill you faster than someone else who hasn't a clue you are angry with them.

All that being said. Also note. Anger is a genuinely useful emotion at times. Despite what the buddhists might say. It is a pushback against shit. But I think a little goes a very long way. And often. It's not needed at all. Anger even as a "useful emotion" is not positive. It's a negative destructive approach to solving a problem. The stomping of the sand castle. It's also part of our primitive Fuck You biological hardwiring which isn't exactly great from an enlightened, social, be kind mindset. It's a much more simple might is right, do what I say or I will fuck you up level of existence. In evolutionary terms that strategy does work. But it's suffering heavy.

I reflected on some of the above on the drive home.

But then also fell into something of a nihilistic hole.

So much chatter. So much figuring out. What the fuck does it matter. The sun will rise. People will die. Fuck up. Life goes on. How about you just shut up for a while and stop thinking. Idiot.

My range of self critics are always charmingly blunt.