May 1

 Today has been an awful day.

But let's back up a bit.

Over the weekend I repaired bridges with Hazel. She seemed ok all in all, perhaps not taken anything too much to heart. Feeling a bit better myself I made sure she was ok, and then, on a following day, I took her out for pizza.

So. Pretty good. I am glad she has not gripped tightly onto it, and perhaps in the end just seen it as a boundary check that it was and not the end of the world.

Athena is doing well. We went for a short walk round the block the other day and she did just fine. Not fast. No running. But she didn't pull up, didn't limp. And had energy afterwards. A great sign.

As for myself.

I had a few days of feeling a bit better, my feet grumbled far less, I tidied the kitchen, made dinner a few nights in a row. Sure sign I am feeling a bit better.

And then, within 36 hours, I was not feeling better.

I was worse. Way worse.

My right foot has suddenly returned to a hellish state - swollen up and my heel "tendonitis" is back with avengeance. The veins in that foot are once again raised and angry, and the pain radiates out.

My restless legs kick in, disrupting the shit eye gouging sleep I get and just making everything worse.

Migraines are rolling in and out.

And the nausea.

And the general pains.

I keep losing sensation in my left hand, then right hand, tingles.

It's too much.

Just suffering stacked on suffering.

I am back to using crutches again. I paused at the top of the stairs. Too much. What's the point in all of this hanging on.

I suppose it's all inevitable if you come at it from a things are broken, not getting fixed, and it's going to get worse. A descent.

I feel like utter garbage. Even as I type this the grumbling migraine that somewhat retreated comes back hardcore, wave of nausea, very unwell, a ripple of heat goes over me, and my eyes feel like two sunken pits.

Christ.

Why have I got the painful end. Can't I have something a bit more peaceful and sudden ?

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

May 9

 Athenas back left leg is limp. Lifeless. Just. Gone. Her right one is only vaguely there, still trying to walk a bit at times. But. No strength. Folded. We have got her up a few times today, to drink, pee, poo. She has got accustomed to being carted around in a sling, her front legs still working. She still looks up. Wants to know what you're eating. She is, as she ever has been, still Athena. Still interested. Still awake. And tomorrow at 11am I take her to put her to sleep. Her legs are gone. Not just an overdid it. They are gone. I do not know or understand how they suddenly went from fine to not fine in 15 minutes. But it has happened. And they show no signs of reversing. Today I made the stupidly hard and fucked up and awful decision to put her to sleep tomorrow. I have crucified myself over it. Today ? Tomorrow ? Monday ? Next week ? Tomorrow. There is no hope. She will not recover. And I will have to snuff out her good life, her beautiful soul, full of curiousity and confid
Read more

Aug 28

Real bad health days. Went for a walk with the mutts in the early evening, recently rained, very humid, not hot. The air was thick with water vapour and forest rot and spores. I could feel it settling on my chest but thought nothing of it. That night. I was constantly pulled from sleep not being able to breathe. Asthma kicking in hard. In the end half asleep I did an old trick, and propped myself up slightly, and this was enough to let me sleep a little better. I haven't had to do that in 40 years. The last time it was that bad was when I was a kid, and one of those times, which, now, come to think of it mimics my recent day exactly, I nearly carked it. This was when they diagnosed that oh boy, I have asthma. Nearly dying from something tends to focus the minds of health care professionals. Sometimes. Back then I had gone to a botannical garden in Spain with my parents during the day. It was hot. And humid. And the air was filled with pollen. And thought little of it. Until at nigh
Read more

Sep 6

 Diabolical day today. We've had a little heat today, nothing too dramatic, but the humidity has been very high with it. It appears my health stuff really struggles with the heat. I tried just dying today. I really did. I felt so awful. So tired. I dozed. And everytime I stirred my heart would twinge. An ache. Then gone. It's been doing that for a while. Everytime I kickstart from sleep to awake. An ache settled in all over my torso. And in my dozing state, every single limb so heavy. I just waited. Just. Die. Already. Don't fight it. And obviously it never came. Just hovering in some quasi awful place instead. But I tried. Slow your breathing. Drift away. In some ways it reminds me of a few years ago when I was horribly ill and used to lie there absolutely suffering, going out of my mind. And yet. Still clinging on. Despite my rational desire to do the opposite. The animal in me is not keen to let go it would seem. Ho hum. Today, finally, the work day arrived that I had be
Read more