May 18.2

 Today has been ok. Took some painkillers. Took it easy. And for the first day in a while didn't experience an awful ill slump. I maintained. No naps.

I ended up playing games for a lot of the day. Playing with a friend. Who does a pretty mean job at keeping me distracted and off the topic of loss and dogs. Which probably helped a lot.

The pain is less. The grief is less. I have a horrifying feeling I am forgetting Athena. Already. I hate it. And I miss her so much. I miss her presence. I miss her little things and sighs and cleverness. I absolutely hate the fucking number my brain is doing scrubbing hurtful things out. It's taking her away piece by piece. It's taking me away piece by piece.

Today I flicked through some photos of both Ares and Athena. I desperately wanted to see her again. I knew it would hurt. But I wanted to see her.

Ho hum.

I am ok. Increasingly more ok than I thought I would be in fact. Sad. But I know she wouldn't last forever. I hate that. But it is what it is. I am not sure what to make of it. I don't know. Feels like the old me is dying. Dead. A new smaller much more short lived me is here. Still half way through a jump into the air before everything crashes down.

I don't know. I wish I could turn back time and then freeze it.

I would still take that lethal pill and die today.

I do not think that is ever going to change at this point.

Hazel was ok today. We largely avoided each other. I wasn't super in the mood. She definitely wasn't in the mood. So. We've not really interacted. Me at one end of the house, her at the other. Poppy for her part has spent almost all day with me. Very happy for some reason. Having a dog around makes life a lot easier. It's a little bit of the old me that's not dead yet. The one that talks to a dog. And does things for them. And we share snacks. And things.

When Hazel and Poppy go the other shoe will drop and the silence will be deafening.

And it will get worse over time.

It's ok. I have a super fatalistic point of view at the moment. I don't really want to exist in a post Athena world. So. I find I am fairly sanguine about the major health blips I am having at the moment. After the initial anxiety, I then relax. It's ok. Just a sign of going down the plughole. Which is ok. Right ? Right.

Every now and again I will look at Athenas bed still in my bedroom. And I can see her there sprawled out. I miss her so hard at those points. And then I remember Ares reassuring presence. And that ghost of who he was.

But that intense grief and sadness has gone. I hate myself that it has. I feel a new kind of guilt all over again that I can just let Athena slip out of my life. I hate that my brain is making me forget. To ease the pain. I hate it. I hate the self defence mechanism.

I don't fully understand what's going on with me. I don't like myself.

I wish I could just sleep forever and never wake up.

So. Like death then ?

Yeah. I suppose so. Just another way of saying the same thing. I don't want to be here. I don't want to play this game. I want to tap out. 

Day before Athena went. She nosed around my hand, thought I had a treat, and oh so gently tried to eat it from my hand. It was like a rabbit nibbling at your fingers, as gentle as anything. I then gave her a treat to properly eat. I remember her nibble distinctly. I look at a picture of her. And think. I should have waited. Given her more time. More days. I thought the same about Ares. I was wrong. I made a mistake. Another day. Another two. I wish she were still here.

Oh.

There's the pain.

Hello friend.