May 21

 Last few days I have been in and out of sadness about Athena. I am perversely a bit happier at being that sad about it, as opposed to just getting on with everything. I very much dislike the aggressive mind scrubbing my brain has been doing erasing stuff that doesn't make me happy. I've never wanted to not be sad, just wanted things to be different. Being sad about it is a reasonable response. The solution is not for my brain to switch it all off ! Clearly it disagrees.

Anyway. Rather than get into overthinking about it. I probably just had a better day, then felt guilty about having a better day. The grief is still there.

It's also neatly clarified something however. My whole, I don't adult well, I don't cope well with this. On consideration. I think I am where I want to be. "want". Where I think I probably should be. Having a glimpse of being a "better adult" and just getting on with shit has not been good. It's made me realise that it's ok to have felt how I have been feeling. And feeling less. Shutting shit off. Is not who I want to be. I don't want to be a cold hearted adult. That simple.

It's complicated. And I don't think I'm doing a good job of explaining it.

Overall my attitude has not changed. If anything it has slid a little. Life. Is shit. I am not enjoying it. I don't want to be here. It's becoming militant and less pretending that things are tolerable or ok. There is a tinge of anger about it. No. It's fucking shit. And I am getting sick of anyone pretending otherwise.  Just do this ! Try that ! Uh huh. Life might work for others. Ok. That's cool. It does not for me.

Hazel asked if I should be back on my meds again confronted with my life sucks thinking.

I am not depressed.

I know what depressed is.

This isn't it.

Not yet anyway. That may change ( I would be surprised if it didn't eventually change given the situation ). But currently it's not depression. Nor near it.

Feeling hopeless, nothing to look forward to, sad, unhappy is not an irrational response to where I am ! It's not depression driven that's causing me to not be able to find joy in life and seeing everything negatively. It's that life is bloody negative and miserable for me, and my outlook is the correct assessment of that situation. You could argue that you could give me a happy pill ( no such thing ) and just chemically force me to be happier ( no such thing ! ), but, at that point, you're just opting out of life in a different way. At the bottom of a bottle. Or the equivalent.

Perhaps that is preferable to non existence ?

To me, it isn't. It's just a different form of non existence. I guess to everyone else it's easier. It makes it nicer for everyone else.

And to be honest this life sucks thing predates any passing of Ares or Athena. They just did a fair number on smudging those outlines into a this sucks less. They were the light in the otherwise dark.

Anyway. Meh.

Today I have had to poke around the Naglotech site and found out that not only are our devs not pitching at their level, Andy has given all of them a job title one step higher than they should be.

And there he was complaining he couldn't get his moneys worth out of them billing wise.

Well.

There's the reason. You've got them all at least one pay grade higher than they should be. And guess what. You can't just do that and magically expect the same value out of them. And guess what. That then has a direct implication to the profitability of the business.

Andy is absolutely terrible at this. This is one of the aspects that he just cannot "business" properly at. Very much faking it til he makes it. The problem I suspect is again that old saw, of he doesn't like to disappoint people, or say no, so when some half talent rocks up to him with a demand, to make his own life less spiky and more calming he just says yes.

Which is great for the immediate problem.

And terrible for your future problems.

This is Andy all over in much of what he does in life. Everything is tomorrows problem.

I also got him to admit that some of the figures he was bandying around to get sympathy were actually wrong. He wasn't paying our "junior" that much.

Sigh.

Like beating your head against a wall.

There are your actual problems. You fucked up the job titles and salary bands. 

Finding that out is tricky as he's evasive about it. Also a really sure fucking sign that someone knows they fucked up. No justification. Just evasion. And when pressed. Admission.

So.

This week. My starting attitude is one of eh, I am Done With This Shit. I'm always left in that position of trying to problem fix and bail out basic mistakes that have been made. It goes on and on. Year after year. A whackamole of this thing wrong, then that thing wrong.

We're now looking to get in an actual senior dev - hilarious as judging from our roster we already have two ( no, we don't ! ), when your actual root issue is getting your staff to operate at the level you have posted them at ( not magically going to happen, a function of experience, time, learning ). Whilst a senior could steady the shitshow of crappy code going on, it's not going to address your underlying issue of everyone being a grade up from where they should be.

I give up. Honestly.

Last few days my pains have been soaring. Overnight is a killer. All my muscles in my torso end up screaming. It's very bizarre in that oh it's this shit again way. Very sharp knifey pains all over. And then all the over bullshit. Swollen foot. Tingling face. Loss of feeling in hands. Dizzy. Blah. Blah. Yada. Blah. Touch wood, I haven't had nausea for a bit. So that's something. Perhaps my dutiful diet of bifidum has been slowly sorting out my probably fucky small intestine and leaving me feeling less sick. Maybe. Or maybe it's just the gentle rotating clusterfuck of symptoms that is my chronic illness bullshit. Like the seasons. Shifting from one thing to another before going back round to the start again. This month ! Face tingles are back ! Nausea is out ! Extensive muscle pain is in ! Heart palpitations are out !

Sigh.

Sometimes I look at shit from yesteryear, 20th century, and I pine for a simpler me, a simpler time, even though it was a shitty parental environment. At least at that point I wasn't weighed down by a lifetime of shit, and I could rely on my body and health to do what they were expected to do. And getting a new book was something to look forward to and enjoy.

No more joy. Fuck you.

I really do think as humans we have a shelf life. For all sorts of reasons. One of them just being experiential. After sometime you accrue too much baggage. Seen too much. One too many painful run ins. Bad memories. Seen a few too many films, read too many books, all start to seem the same. A too long a contemplation of the shitshow of capitalism. Fairness. Justice. Or rather the lack of it. No more joy or wonder. Just a jaded exhausted cynicism.

I think we just run out of gas after a while. You can only believe Santa exists and good things happen for so long.

Yeah. We're done. Goodnight.