May 21.2

 Very tired at the end of the day. The tiredness that I get that is fuelled by ill health. Pushes me into bed early. Naps. Fatigued.

Lying in the dark I feel the very common of late weird sensations crawl across my head, and arms, and chest. A dizziness. A vertigo. A strange flutter. And tingles. My hands go cold. Then numb. My feet ache and swell, the right one that has been a problem this last few months especially so. I am doing nothing. Not pushing myself, not over working. Just at rest. In bed. Not asleep. And the sensation of dipping into a groggy state comes anyway.

I reflect in a suddenly sober way in the calm, with my head spinning, that my health this last 10 days or so has dramatically shifted worse. Beyond clear. I shuffle around pained and awkward, I am turned way older than my years and I know it. I am not leaning into it. I am trying. But. It's obvious which direction it is going in. And its speed of decline has been quite the thing.

I ponder whether Athena's passing has unleashed all those things held in check by adrenaline by need, and now, in the quiet, they rush forward to overtake me. It is a well tracked phenomenon. The let down effect. Is this what I am experiencing ? Often seen when people first hit a period of vacation after being busy. Suddenly they become ill. It is they think, the effect of stress hormones. Their over use. And then their withdrawal. It takes a toll not only on the short term health, but also the long term prognosis. Damaging. I am perhaps the poster child for this. And now whatever thing has stalked me these years is taking a severe toll. I have after all nothing left to hold onto to make sure it is looked after. Just me. So. I can let go. The adrenaline falls. And I slump hard.

I am sanguine about it. Earlier today, doing nothing more than sitting on the sofa playing a game, I felt so unwell. Tired. Ill. Awful. Dizzy. I have declined to the point that even doing nothing now is no help.

For the thousandth time I wonder how long I can go on like this. 

In the shower, aching, dizzy, feeling ill, a little reprieve in the warm water. I stopped, just letting the water flow over me. How do I feel right now ? Do I feel a bit better ? Yes. A bit better. The warm water helps. But I am an increasing invalid. Struggling now to even hobble around the house. 3 months ago I was taking walks around woods and parks and fields. Admittedly increasingly difficult. But. Now. I am not even close to it.

As Athena declined, so did I, but, I kept some semblance of presence. Now with her gone, that has disappeared too. I pretended to myself that it was part of my bargain with the universe, give me her pain, take it from her, give it to me. So. My decline was sidelined. But of course, it's not that. I was just declining with her.

I am working. Which feels like overburn. But little else.

Perhaps it's just a phase. Another one of those downturn phases. Just like my mom. Again for the thousandth time I ponder that many of my symptoms line up with her. I can see why the idea of MS always ghosted after me in my head. Very similar. Which of course, it still might be. But I think on reflection it is probably something related but not the same. Some immune system fuckup. I think all CFS and ME will turn out to be this in the end. Some uncharted auto immune system dysfunction.

I am calm about it. There is nothing I can do. And I am not fleeing away from any demise, far from it. I can just potter around in increasingly small circles, less and less each day. Don't worry. What's the worst that can happen ? You drop dead ? That's ok. I have seen things and experienced things. I am very grateful and somewhat amazed I got to spend time to know such beautiful creatures as Ares and Athena. We have wrestled and run and explored, paddled and chased, and seen many lovely vistas of nature and many isolated places full of calm hidden beauty. They showed me the world through their eyes and it was amazing. But that story has drawn to an end, as all things must. Done. I have no energy or health to do much more. So. It's ok. Endings happen to all of us.

Perhaps the days will turn. I will gain strength from who knows where. My body will fight back and I will return to, if not health, then, a slightly less shit state.

But this does really not feel like a flu. Or a passing bit of ill health. The tingles and dead limbs and dizziness are not minor blips. They are serious. I doubt they will pass.

But who knows. Perhaps it is part of the rotating aggression. Nerve damage. Circulation. Vasculitis. The unknown stalker without a name but very clear symptoms.

Poppy comes to see me in the dark. Hopped on the bed. Tail wagging. Am I ok ? I am ok Pops. I give her a scritch. And am sad that Athena is not here. How odd it seems that she is not here. It feels like yesterday that she was. Her pretty brown eyes. So smart.

All gone.

Just memories left.

I finish writing this post. I will shut the lid of the laptop and go back to trying to sleep.

I do not know what the point of anything is. Or what life wants of me. Close my eyes. Wait for another day to pass. Maybe this time, I wont see the next one. But I know it's only the vaguest of hopes. Tomorrow will come. Everything will repeat.

Hmm.