May 23

 My health has improved by the tiniest degree - which moves me from staring straight down the plughole, to merely circling it. It is still Very Bad. For one thing the dead arms, cold hands, no circulation shit seems to have moved on for the time being - and has instead doubled down on my eyes, very stingy, very bloodshot, black eyes.

It's almost like there's only enough Stuff to service 3 out of 5 bits of me at any one time. You want your eyes to sting less ? Ok. How about we cut circulation off to your hands and lower arms and make your upper torso excruciatingly painful. Oh. You don't like that ? Ok. How about we tone those effects down a little but punch you in the eyes and make your feet swell up more then ?

Chronic inflammation and poor circulation ( for whatever reason ) would be my favoured guess. That it's inflammation is I think a no brainer - it can get anything to a tiny bit better to somewhat better if I dose myself up with an anti inflammatory. And sometimes it lasts a little while. It's not just a painkiller effect. It is actually reducing the... whatever.. inflammation.

Spiky inflammation like this would also heavily track with some auto immune fuckery - in particular long covid flavours. It is just one of the things they have fished out about long covid. An always on over active inflammatory response caused by one of your signalling doohickeys being permanently fucked by a dose of covid.

Work has been kind of shit.

This week I've had to really overburn to make up for everyone elses failings. A release. Nothing tested. Code that if pushed live would have brought live systems down. Basic stuff not checked. Some of it not even attempted. And they were supposed to be on the verge of a release. Two weeks ago. That never happened, ducks still not in a row, clusterfuck of QA, and then this week, oh, can you do it. First of all. Fuck you. Not my responsibility. This was supposed to be you boys standing on your own feet and doing a release. How quickly that falls apart. Secondly. This is exactly how we get to a situation where I am continually the backstop. Y'all fuck about and produce shit. I am expected to correct it all and actually get to the professional end point. 

I flatly pointed out this week to Andy that if I dropped dead, he would indeed be very fucked. Plan to replace me is Not Going Well At All. And if anything has just highlighted the value I bring to the business and that without me, everything goes sideways really fucking quick. Ok. I am good at what I do. But. It is insane to have to rely on me to be good at what I do, and me only. That is not how this should work. At all. I should be, mostly, replaceable. Which isn't to say I am not worthwhile. Or good to have around. Simply that the world should not fucking end if I am not around.

Anywho.

Andy has scheduled some bullshit dev thing next week - the bit where everyone gets to cosplay as an IT professional by talking about meaningless bullshit that looks good on paper - to address the fuckups and how to do releases Better.

This week was also a stark demonstration of how everyone in the office is actually a rank above where they should be, because at every level, people were not doing their job. The team lead had no oversight or control of QA or an idea of problems. Not leading at all in fact. The senior dev was fucking up getting basics right that a senior should be able to ace no problem - it was in fact his shit that would have brought the live system down. And our plain old dev, did not even attempt to do what was required and just left it up to someone else. It's very plain that our "dev" is actually a junior dev - and not a great one at that. Our senior is just a dev. With some glaring holes. And that our team lead is just a dev who should be bucking to try to be a senior if they improved in some areas and took on more responsibility. The fact that their titles are all one step higher. And they can't actually do that job gives rise to the problems where none of that process is working, to the extent you are poised to fuck up live systems, AND your costs are massively inflated, causing Andy to bemoan how expensive it is, and that he can't make ends meet. Yes. Because you fucked up my dude. You put that situation in place because of a series of very poor decisions. And then those people fuck up because they can't do what they need to do.

It starts at the top, and the rot goes down.

Very clear. Demonstrated perfectly this week.

And a lack of responsibility all round. Because no one likes to be show they are a fuck up. Easier just to sweep it under the rug.

Rotten.

It either needs some serious kick assing guidance - and probably in reality a few demotions. Or. To be honest.

You burn the entire thing down and start again. Because you've really painted yourself into a corner.

Which. As previously discussed. Is something Andy has a strong tendency to do. Preventing him from continually painting himself into a corner is nearly a full time job. ( If you were running a big company, you'd clue in, and replace Andy, or move him to some other set of responsibilities. )

So this week has been bad for me.

Doing things I really hate to do. No job satisfaction at all.

Is it worth the money ?

No.

But as a professional you deal with it. But. If the wind keeps blowing from that direction. You leave. That simple.

Elsewise.

My grief over Athena has settled down into a long term sustain I think. I am sad. Always sad. Her loss follows me around all the time. It's ok, it's dealable with. But it does make the world different. And I can't tarry too long considering it, otherwise it starts to bite hard, harder, hardest. I am very sensitive about it. I can cope. But. Sensitive. Tears prickled my eyes yesterday when Poppy turned up with one of Ares old plushie toys. You like that Pops ? That used to be Ares plushie. He liked that too.

Instant. Fucking. Sad.

It's ok. It's how it should be. I miss them. I miss the difference they made to my life.

I have been leaving Hazel alone for huge chunks of time. I'm just. I don't know. I find I just don't want to interact. My usual thing of always being interested in people. Always caring. I'm just. I don't know. I don't care. I know that's a bad thing to say. I don't really mean it in a bad way. I'm just. Numb. But then there are sometimes when she asks if I want to play a game, and we play some board games on our devices together, and it's cool. And company. And something to do. I don't know. It's complex. She can be difficult to get on with ( duh ! ). But also. I think it's a lot about me. Working through stuff. That default always on, always caring, always having to react to other peoples difficulties flickering off for a bit - a seismic change for me. Is this perhaps, what everyone else is like usually ? I don't know.

Eh. Complex. Probably reflective of my complex relationship with Hazel herself - or rather how much the mental dysfunctions can make life very hard indeed.

Oddly enough we briefly talked about it yesterday. The fact she was "bossy". Ok. Not just bossy. Pathologically bossy I said. She admitted she was bossy. It's at best, fine, funny. At worst. Super not cool and boundary smashing and starts to veer into abusive. It has become something of a problem with her. I suspect it's another one of those trauma babies. Taking control. She said something about boundaries. I said it wasn't about her boundaries. It was about her rolling over everyone elses boundaries. You can say no she said. Enforce your boundaries. I laughed. No. Ha. No. Enforcing boundaries around you is risky. You're liable to be in for damage. It was a light hearted conversation overall, no venom. But. It was a serious topic. And the points were not for a laugh. She was receptive. I think maybe some of it might have gone in. The message - you're squashing other people and you are not good at being told to not do that. Or in more brutal terms. You can be an asshole. And you're not good at being told to not be an asshole. ( This, would be a 1:1 exact situation report of her run in with her dad in December. There. Lies your flaw ( one of them ) ).

Today we get a repeat performance of the Very Shitty and Massively Anxiety Inducing procedure that Hazel has to have done. It was postponed at the last minute last week. So. She's not going to be happy about that. I'll drive her out. Wait for her. Drive her back. Be sympathetic. I just wish sometimes she could see that situation and apply it to others. Be sympathetic of their plights ( like your dog not liking the way you manhandle her ! take a break ! ). Even if, in your own determination it's "silly", "stupid", "not hurting". It doesn't matter. To some ( including her former doctor ), they thought Hazel was being "silly", "stupid" and it can't possibly be hurting and would roll their eyes at her anxiety. Which super didn't feel good to Hazel. Yes. Shitty. Not a good beside manner at all. But also. Learn from the goddamn experience and apply to others ?

But then.

This is the human condition.

Failure to learn from really basic stuff.

Engage in negative patterns.

Human. Innit. Sadly.

Yesterday there was an awful clip of a young Palestinian girl absolutely lost in grief, crying her eyes out - she had left to shop at the market - and come back to her family all dead, wiped out by an Israeli bomb. Her world had instantly collapsed. It was harrowing. A comment below it - I wish I could go and kill everyone who had ever done her harm. Missing the point. Killing everyone because of X is exactly how that situation occurred in the first place. Unironically people reach for the same fucked up, brutal, life smashing behaviour that caused the pain in the first place. They cannot see at all that it's the same thing. Exactly. The same thing. You can put someone in a blue shirt. Or a red shirt. But no matter the colour of the shirt, everyones agreed that killing is the thing that needs to be done. Same people. Different colour shirt. It's not the colour of the shirt that's the problem. It's the fucking all around agreement that killing is Absolutely OK.

Of course. You can't tell people that. They don't want to hear it. The other coloured shirts are clearly the unclean, the enemy, the worst of the worst. Newsflash. You're all as shit as each other.

Stop. Killing. Period. No matter your shirt colour.

This however is completely lost.

Vengeance is required. More killing needed. Which. Shock. Just begets more violence and killing.

Human condition. Failure to grasp the fucking basic lesson. And just indulge the negative.

This attitude I see everywhere. From politics, to the polarised bullshit that goes on in the US. Same shit. People unironically desire fascist solutions to... prevent fascism. My dudes. You're singing from the same fucking hymnbook. Left. Right. Woke. Not woke. You sound all the fucking same just different shirts. It should be empathy vs uncaring. Kindness vs cruelty. NOT. Killing vs killing. Authoritarian policing vs authoritatian policing.

The lessons of say, Jesus - turn the other cheek - or if you're more philosophical, Nietszche - those that hunt monsters become monsters - are lost, or maybe Martin Luther King - "Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that". Uh huh. Very wise.

Primitive hairless primates throwing stones at each other and learning fuck all. Not intelligent. 2,000 years at least of that same basic point. Missed. Spoken by some of the most influential, smartest people. Ignored. Grab a stick. Beat the shit out of someone instead. Brilliant.