May 24

 Angry. And worse health again.

Everything hurts like a fucker. I am getting back to that stage again where descending a single step makes everything scream. Worse. The painkillers are not even denting it. A weird all round muscular knifing pain. It doesn't even bear worth mentioning that I also have the pains almost certainly associated with the normal process of getting older that everyone gets - yeah sometimes my knees will ping out or otherwise, and this pops a hurt, that pops a hurt. In the scale of things these are hilariously low priority. These are normal. I can perceive the difference between normal - I am out of shape and getting old. And. This is fucking chronic illness insanity, all the danger lights are flashing and the ship is half sunk.

Today I've had all the things. Swollen feet, dead arms, punched eyes, and intense pains. Marvellous. The old bullshit is doing a terrific number on me.

Yesterday, my day off, started with an annoyance.

Asking about code release stuff.

Ok. Boys. You are supposed to be fucking doing that on your own today. That was the plan. But no. Then. An inane question from our team lead - where are the things. I gave this to you all. Six messages ago. In this very fucking conversation thread. AND. I told you where to find them on the machines if you couldn't be assed clicking on what I send in the conversation thread. Scroll up. Just a little. I know. It's an effort to have to move your mouse to the scroll bar and move it up just a smidge. And there they are. To add insult to injury I included a link to my earlier fucking comment. This. Here. Six lines above. What you clearly are fucking either too incompetent or too lazy to find.

Absolutely. Fucking. Useless. Even when given exactly the information required. Meticulous. Complete. Our most senior member of staff then, like every other fucker, just knows it's easier not to do any part of their job and just ask me.

On my day off.

With a non essential question.

Fuck. Off.

Then. To add insult to injury. The PM starts a similar line of fucking bullshit in the afternoon. What's the status of this. Can I release it if I am available today. No. I am not fucking available today. We had this conversation twice already. It was waiting on y'all to do your fucking jobs. Which I had to step in to do. This is also non critical. Shockingly. I put a boundary down after a few terse words. I am not having this conversation today ( a professional version of FUCK OFF ).

So in summary. My work is delayed because I have to do your jobs. I explained this. Twice. And then on my day off. I get asked if I can release the work - ignoring the twice already talked about fact it is delayed and no, can't be released quite yet. And ALL OF WHICH is non essential. It can wait. It has been waiting in fact for some weeks. Because the brain trust had been faffing that long. This is not some emergency you absolutely have to talk to me about on my day off.

 This week I had to hand hold the PM because they had misconfigured something. Not code. Not design. They'd just forgot steps in testing. Our dev on investigation had vaguely said it was a code issue. It was not. The PM correctly surmised the dev was talking out of his ass. But then I had to do everyone elses job for them. It was elevated to me. This was a user issue. So here I am. Wasting time because of our dev. Wasting time because of our PM ( both failed at this task which they should have been able to do, in fact it should have been a PM level task, no devs at all ). Then I had to waste time because all of the dev staff did not do their jobs. Every single one of them. Failure to write scripts. Failure to test things destined for live. Failure to provide oversight. Team leadership. Awareness of what was being released. The PM had also lost track of exactly what was being released.

Further insult to injury the PM then starts to cover ass and talk about releases and how to better do that, copying the basics of what I had already said but getting bits wrong. 

Yesterday. I was in the uneviable position of having to correct more mistakes on my day off or let them sit. What you've just said is horseshit. But I am fucked if I am spending my day off talking wank with you, correcting yet more shit, doing your job yet again, on something non critical, that you are trying to ass cover with.

As you might be able to guess. This has made me very angry.

And again. Yet more demonstration of people just not being able to function at their job level. And complacency. Push it to me. I will do it. I always do it. I always have the answer.

I am utterly sick of it.

And watching Andy flail around like a fucking wet blanket, incapable of actually managing shit all, or correcting things, and just hoping that it all goes away, things are peaceful and he can go back to trousering suitcases full of cash.

I have zero trust in them doing their jobs right. Or it getting better at this point.

We are firmly on track to eventually self destruct. There will be tears. And tantrums. And accusations. But ultimately it will come down to a series of fuck ups instigated by Andy. Then continued on by everyone else. And a completely clueless shuffling around as to how it happened. It's very clear. You can document it. You can even predict it. To be brutally honest about it, there is not the intellectual clout required to understand why and how things are failing. Like explaining nuclear physics to a dog. 

So.

I am not in the best of moods.

Everyone is pissing me off. Major to minor. If it's not Hazel telling me she also has a chronic illness - no, you do not, you have no underlying issues, you certainly have no diagnosis of one, you're just fucking lazy. Stop. Fucking. Mimicing. Everyone. Elses. Problems. To. Make. Excuses. For. Yourself. For. Fuck. Sakes. Then it's charity Person telling me I now need to give him a statement about how much work I've done for him and its cost, and how much work I am going to do for him and its cost ( none of which is being costed at all, I am doing out of my own sense of good will and free time ), because, funding - he can get a lot of cash for it. Which I get. I understand. Yes. But also it's like no fucking good deed goes unpunished. I've already had to write a fucking CV just for this. And now we need accounts. At some point it's like. You know. Do you want my fucking help and expertise or not ? Or shall we dick around with bureaucracy. Because. Let me tell you. If there's an opportunity for me to do bureaucracy for someone else, I am going to say, hell fucking no, and walk away. Strictly speaking he shouldn't get the funding for this at all because... I'm doing it for free. What should happen. Is I have offered my services for free. That's the end of it. But. There's an opportunity there to get funding for it - the charity trousers the cash because I am not charging for it and can spend it on other stuff. Which is cool. But requires me to then be part of the ruse. And do a bunch of bureaucracy ( and not to mention make a false statement or two ). Ok.

Why. Is my life plagued with fucking annoying shit.

I get it. I am not in the best of moods. These annoyances I usually sail over.

But not today. And they are examples of me always having to fucking take one for the team or deal with other peoples bullshit.

Always.

Always that fucking way around.

Never the other fucking way around.

Fuck people and their constant fucking need to be babysat. I am so fucking sick of it. How about someone babysit me. That would be nice.