May 24.2

 Today has been a disaster.

I have barely managed to be out of bed. And when I have. I haven't done much. Played a game for a few hours on stream. That's it - that was my peak. The rest of the time I have had to sleep. No choice.

I have felt, awful. And each time I have slept, I have felt awful in sleep. Frozen hands that don't warm up even after hours under the covers. Punchy eyes. And exhaustion. Brain fog that suddenly hits within 10 seconds and then lingers for half an hour.

I dreamed dreams of death. Of being so close. I cried in my sleep. I curled into a ball in a corner of a room in a dream and wanted everyone to go away.  No one understood. No one could help. Just. Leave me alone then.

I woke up at one point sad. Got up. Inexplicably became even more sad. My thoughts turned to Ares. How he used to always snuffle my ears and face when I would lay down and look at the stars. Standing over me. Blocking the view. Such a goofball. So lovely. All those memories and things will be lost. Like they never happened. Life is very cruel.

I teared up. Full of sadness. Feeling ill.

Jesus christ.

Today I have flickered badly. That flame stuttering in and out. 

Very bad.


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