May 28

Predictably, I felt ill yesterday. Notably, ate something, and then, ooh, some 30 minutes later, I was hit by an awful slump, ill feeling and my eyes sucked back into my head.

I guess at this point this is also predictable.

Shit doesn't work. Random failures.

I am beginning to shut down about it. I've pretty much stopped talking to Hazel about anything. And she has stopped asking. We're increasingly strangers living at the opposite end of the house living different lives.

I am disinclined to talk to anyone about any of it. My talking into the nothing here is my sole release. And whilst I realise that here I end up repeating myself about how shit it is, I'm also aware how necessary this is for me to at least be able to shout into the void. It helps a tiny bit in the smallest of ways.

My symptom roulette has clicked on one cycle. The dead hands have now quietened down to once a night, then shuffle off to not be a bother. But my stinging eyes have returned. My absolute flooring exhaustion and illness in waves has returned, and, also, I am struggling to walk again. Which really seems to be a theme this last couple of months. Struggling to walk.

Feeling ill and sorry for myself yet again, I rolled over to sleep last night with the thought that none of it mattered, I didn't want to be here, and all I was really doing was just tidying house a little before I followed Athena. And more than anything. I didn't want the process to be long. Ready. Here. Now. Let's go.

I also considered that maybe finally my relationship with Hazel will change at this point for a number of reasons. We shouldn't really have the relationship ties we do have - I think a lot of it at this point was a tie because of Ares and Athena. A shared interest if you like. With her gone. And my frame of mind where it is. And hers as ever where it is. I don't think there is much of any crossover there. In fact probably the reverse. I don't know. But I think with whatever time I have left, distance is going to quickly happen between the two of us. I am not sure why. And perhaps it's unfair. But I think I am done trying. And really. I just want to focus on myself - not because of some lovely positive repurposing, but just more because I want to focus on myself and my friend and how I noodle out these last days. ( Albeit saying that, fate being the utter comedian asshole that it is, likely has me sticking around for decades in horrible agony. Yes. You're like death walking. No. You can't die just yet. )

I have finalised my will and sent it off again to be checked. I am still not sure about it. I have misgivings. About giving Hazel way too much. About giving my siblings way too much. But then again. It all has to go somewhere. I will just leave it now. It's done. Half a dozen beneficiaries.

There is a hardcore fatalism to me at this point. I don't really see that it's going to shift. Whichever way I turn mentally. Oh try and be positive about your health. Oh. Try and be positive about your opportunities. And it's there. Honestly. It's not like I lie down and don't fight. But whichever way I twist there is that utter hollowness. The health and the loss of meaning and the constant suffering, mentally and physically and at this point the lonliness and just the general beyond hopelessness with the world at large. I'm not even depressively leaning into it. Yet. I am trying. But. It's insurmountable.

Anyway. I find myself at this point wanting to ask Hazel about her plans for when she's going home. Another part of me tells me just to be quiet, let it happen when it happens. Don't force anything.

I think if nothing else, Hazel should probably go home for her - and Poppy's - sake. Whilst Poppy has been great to have around, Hazel has hardcore lapsed into not bothering with her. Not taking her out for walks. At very best she gets treated like ill Athena - walked once every few days. But that was because that was what Athena's health dictated. We had slowed over the years to allow her to still enjoy her time out and not burn out. When we could, when she was younger, we were out way more frequently. And at her peak, we were out everyday. For hours. Poppy is still full of life and energy. But Hazel has slumped into a can't be arsed, oh I can get away with being lazy. Poppy is lucky if she's going out once a week at this point. Which, is pretty shit. Because dogs age fast. And sooner than you think she wont be able to do those runs and enjoy the world. Locking them up where they can't do that is not good.  It also rubs salt in the wound for me - if I had a dog I could go out with and enjoy the world, I would. I don't, because I can't. So. Hazel going home. It would force her into taking better care of Poppy. She could not sit on her arse at home like she does here. Hazel has no garden. Second storey flat. Way, way less living space. You have to take a dog out multiple times a day in that setup ( rather than the once a week if you're lucky here ). And in having to do so for Poppy, Hazel would also take better care of Hazel. Her demons rule her. Give them a chance, and they will pull up, setup shop and take over.

I'm also aware that once Hazel and Poppy leave, the weight on me already crushing will increase considerably. And crush me flat.

But, that's ok. That. Like much else in life with its shitty ends and death. Is inevitable.

And you never know. Maybe I will pick up. And enjoy just noodling around on my own.

Sure.