May 29

Jumpy night. I woke up thinking I could hear a dog. I whistled into the darkness. As you do. Half asleep.

No Johnny. There is nothing in the house.

A tickle of anxiety of nothing being in the house. No reassuring mutt to guard you.

My pains flared. Restless legs kicked in. Wonderful. Lights on. Flick the TV on for 15 minutes until the worst of the restless legs wear off.

Eventually I slept again, really, super deep.

Perhaps because there are no distractions in the house. Not permanently padding around dogs. Not a Hazel going to bed at 4am, lights on, up and down the stairs. Perhaps exhaustion from grief.

I slept deep. With little in the way of numbness, tingles or otherwise. Properly. I doubt that phenomenon will last. I would guess it's a combination of utter exhaustion and stress chemicals meaning my cardio doesn't slump.

Today I am more sane. Surprise. I got up, my left leg bad, my right foot, of course, starting to hurt again. A regression. How very delightful. But I was ok. A pile of dog beds. Missing bits and pieces. Oh. Yeah. Super heavy. Jeez. Jesus. That's. A lot. I can see why I might struggle with that.

Apple. Coffee. Off to work. Problems at work.

But calmer. More stable. Ho hum.

Who knows. Perhaps I am going to surprise myself and settle. The conscious bit of me has zero faith in the rest of me. The rest of me will do what it does.

Of course even at the best of times, changing gear between someone living in the house ( dog or no ), and someone not living in the house is an adjustment. I find there is always an inevitable pang. And when you're vulnerable, of course, it's worse. But after many rides on that particular rodeo, I think I am getting better trained at that. The coming and the going. It's not trivial though. And empathy. I can imagine how huge of a problem that might be for someone else. Noted. Be aware and watchful.

I have a busy plate of work today which will no doubt keep me very distracted. This evening I am playing board games - not in person - most likely. So. That too will probably be a distraction.

Next door neighbours have just got a new cat. Their first. A pang of sadness. No Ares or Athena to watch from the roof.

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