May 3

So I dragged myself out yesterday. More than onec I thought about cancelling as my foot was a disaster and just getting up and down the stairs was a challenge. Neverthless I perservered. Because I reasoned it would do me good to see some friends. And I would - if I could get past my own bullshit - enjoy myself, and it had been an age since I saw them. A simple shower in prep took me 45 minutes.I squealed repeatedly. Loaded up with painkillers and went out.

And had a lovely time. Two great people, a lovely dinner and a game. It was good for my soul. Not good for my foot. But good for my soul. I had some painkillers half way through the evening and felt alright. It was lovely to see my friends, they are kind souls, and the kind of people it's just all positive to chill out with.

Got home, struggled to feed Athena, get her sorted and then absolutely collapsed.

The night was as bad as last night.

In some ways very scary. On the other hand, I have kind of lost interest in living or dying again. It just is.

I think I found something out.

The pain in my foot - despite being on all the painkillers ( just like Athena was ! ), codeine, paracetamol and ibuprofen all at the same time - was enough to keep me from sleep. I dozed and watched youtube, catching a few minutes of sleep at a time between my foot being bad. Eventually, it quietened enough I could sleep.

And then I awoke again early morning. Whilst awake. I got increasingly groggy. I would get "panic" blips where it felt like I was going to kind of pass out. Whilst lying down. With my eyes closed. Dizzy. Bits of me cycled into static. Left hand. Right hand.

I was very very calm during all of it. Awake. But. In that pre sleep not moving, everything switched off kinda place.

The "panic" blips were more of a start. And I was breathing hard at time ( not sleep apnea ! ). So hard that my mouth dried out.

Also. Not a blip - this happened yesterday too. My throat swelled up. But not sore. Just. Like someone was strangling me.

I tried shifting position. Different side. Left, right, down. Always the same.

I tried feeling for my pulse because it seemed like everything was just struggling to get any kind of blood.

My pulse was super weak. In fact I couldn't really feel it. Would get a faint couple of donks and then nothing.

I think this is the root of most of my issues right here.

For whatever reason at a point in the night, my heart / circulation dribbles down to zip. It means my extremities don't get enough circulation. It means my head doesn't get enough circulation - the blood pools hence the black eyes. The groggyness as the brain starves for oxygenated blood. And the blips are me suffocating. Not because I'm not breathing. But because it's not working.

Perhaps I am wrong and I was dipping in and out of sleep more than I thought. And it was an apnea effect.

I don't think so however. I was lucid and awake and all that shit was happening anyway. It's very much like I caught in the act.

There were points there again this morning I thought I was done for. The blipping got worse. The groggy dizzy got worse. I thought I was going to lose consciousness at one point. And that would be that. I didn't panic. Just. Observed.

And as this went on I could feel my eyes getting more sunken.

I think maybe this is sometimes why I do a bit better at night with some caffeine. A very fine line. Just a little too much and I can't sleep. Just the right amount and it keeps that circulation a little more wired.

It also explains why the further away I get from sleep - the better I feel. Within reason. Another fine line between exhaustion and disastrous sleep effect.

The question in my head now is whether this very bad patch will end up passing and getting a bit better - but still fucked - or, this is just one more step down the spiral, and now we're into the real final steps territory before something pretty disastrous happens in that sleep low point.

It could also be an increased effect from the codeine. Any kind of opiate has that depressing effect on you. Slows heart rate, slows your breathing. I wonder if the codeine that kills my pain is also leaning hard into whatever bad circulation slow down thing I have going on during the night, and is pushing me into some really very bad territory.

Hmm.

Nevertheless. Touch and go overnight at the moment.

If - big if - and when I ever get the chance. I think it underscores how important something like swimming is. Build that cardio up.

Currently I can hardly move. Swimming - gettting in and out of a pool - would be impossible.

I am glad I got out. It serves as a nice counterpoint to the shit. Albeit. They did both look at me in horror on crutches. And one of them said I had the worst ongoing luck. They didn't know anyone else like me.

I have a bunch of things to be thankful for. A roof over my head. Money in the bank. I can, at the moment and for a vague forseeable future, support myself. Which is a lot by todays standards. And I have the luxury of entertainment and not having to be at a certain place or need to do a certain thing.

The rest of it however. Is horrible. And if I didn't have those things I am thankful for, well, I don't see how the rest of it would possibly work.

That shit is difficult is not just my perception it seems. Not just me going crackers ( I mean, clearly - waves around crutches ). Which is both a relief and a misery. I'm not nuts ! My shit situation is acknowledged ! Yay. Oh. My shit situation is acknowledged. It sucks.

One of my friends said how important it was just to have a chat when things were hard. He was lovely. He has gone through some shit health periods himself - and got better. He understood.

Lovely people.

Shit health.

Rest. Take it easy. Hope it gets a little better.