May 30.2

 Still alive. Slept long. The whole near passing out feeling stayed with me in bed, through dozing. Wasn't going away. I felt very rough, the cold sweat that broke out made me chill down very quickly and I got super cold after being in bed for sometime.

Honestly thought that was it again. That my heart had finally thrown in the towel. When I was in bed. It wasn't good. But. Also. To be honest. It wasn't terrible as in, a terrible way to go. I wasn't in a huge amount of pain compared to what I have had. I felt wrapped up in cotton wool.

I suspect. It's the codeine again. I also suspect. It's the heart. This is a similar ( but much worse ) effect to what I experimented with before. Codeine makes my heart slow, and that, with where I am, means it really makes my cardio very iffy indeed. I think that's what it was this morning. Heart unable to keep up with a climb up the stairs. Cue nausea. Ill feeling. Faint feeling that has that awful very quick progression to actual passing out. Buzzing in the left arm.

I had written out some of the science for this. But. 2/3 of the way through. I am feeling iffy. Weak and shaky. Sleepy. It is the foothills of this morning all over again. I am doing nothing. In bed. My system struggles to do that.

Hmm.

This could well be the shape of my end. Not terribly surprising given the long laundry list of warning signs and similar effects that have lead up to here. In a weird way. That probably wont last, and is just a bonkers phantom, it gives me a light at the end of the tunnel. Just. Use the time you have left to chill and enjoy a few very low impact things. Don't panic. Not forever. Noodle. Wait. Punch out.

But as ever. Probably fate just fucking with me. Setting me up for decades of this horrible nonsense. Dangling me over the cliff - I'm gonna drop you this time - ok, do it. Nah. Changed my mind. Fuck you.

My foot is quiet. Resting. Swollen, but little pain. Move it, it squeals. Put weight on it and it screams. I am a weird kind of sleepy. My arms feel very heavy. Keeping them on a keyboard is an effort. I am woozy. And have a vague sense of unwellness - but, I've had far far worse than that.

Ho hum.

What a delight my life is.

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