May 31.2

 Surprise call from the hospital today.

Bucking the trend they have actually set me up for surgery in June - which is something they said they would do in December, but, by this point, I figured they had forgot or postponed it.

Not so. I have been pencilled in for June 10th surgery, same as December, with a pre-op assessment some time before that - so, next week.

This. Is tricky.

1) I am really fucking ill.

2) I can't walk.

Nevertheless I agreed to the June 10th date. We will see how I am I guess. It could well be that they will take a look at me at the pre-op and just reject me. I nearly had that last time.

Today my ex sister in law came for a visit. We had a chat. It was nice to see her even though the conversations were not happy on both ends.

Despite me absolutely doing my best, after 2 hours I slumped. I could feel it creeping up on me, and excused myself to try and make myself a small snack to perhaps offset it. It didn't work. I slumped hard. And 15 minutes later was struggling. So we called an end to the day there and I promptly went to bed to take a nap. And felt pretty awful. And tired. And the nap didn't super shift things.

It's really not good.

I can't maintain now for even a few hours. I crash out. Hard.

Her news was not good. I wont repeat it here. But sad. And a shame. Although she was a good deal more happy about it. I worry whether her future choices will make her any happier or are actually the root issue, but, ultimately, it's a very personal decision for her, and only she can make that call or know. And if she's very unhappy with the current situation and wants to change. I hope she can find peace however she can. She still has a lot of life to live - if there's one thing my shitty healthy perspective gives me, is a much clearer perspective on living your life and enjoying it while you can. Because it doesn't last forever.

In a weird way.

My words here are like a bastion of slightly more peace and slightly more stability. Here. In this space. Mostly. I can dictate what happens. Write it out. It makes sense. Away from here. In the real world. I flake out. I can't control it. I suffer. It's horrible.

Anywho.

I have fought hard today. But achieved little. Flaked out. Been shown right to my face how flakey I am.

Yikes.

We talked about it a little.

I said, in a perfect world - which wasn't going to happen - but in a perfect world, I just needed to be looked after for a while by someone that gave a shit. And to have the wind blow in my direction for a while, instead of constantly in my face.

It's not going to happen.

But I can see being cared for, in a caring kind of setup, would help me a lot.

Uh huh.

I don't expect anyone queueing at my door to fulfill that.

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