Jun 11

 A better few days, with some alarming bits in the middle. Of course. My health is nothing if not an always crashing clown car.

On Sunday I felt a bit better, ordered a Sunday roast, ate it, figured I would crash, and just took it slow and dozed off. Woke up to the weirdest alarming sensation ever, stomach was on fire, intense heat, and as I woke up a massive heat flush rolled through me, all my nerves on fire and I instantly broke out into a heavy sweat, heart hammering.

What. The. Fuck.

I didn't move. Just let the shitty weird fucking feeling flush through me, nerves tingling.

For. Fuck. Sakes. Can I get a day without some new and fucking exciting weird set of symptoms ?

No. Fuck you.

Ok.

So apart from that. And the usual grab bag of assorted bullshit. The days have evened out a bit. Anxiety has crept down each day. The mentals have calmed. The left leg is basically miraculously all back to normal at this point, from excruciating can't move pain, to all fine in a single week. The right foot is still grumbling. Perhaps a bit louder. I don't think it appreciates time off the crutches. I need to be careful with it, it's weak I think.

Since Sunday however a new symptom - or rather an old one - has crept back into the fold. A strange nerve jangling fizz from my stomach. My arms jangling. Everything jangling. This was the same shit I got back in 2021. But far far worse in 2021. This was like a ghost of it. But enough of an issue that I have failed to get to sleep against it two nights in a row. Paracetamol eventually lets me sleep with it - that I learned in 2021. Paracetamol to tone down the pain and jangles.

Who knows what that's all about.

I am still not trying to dwell on anything mentally. Just getting through each day. Being able to move about with crutches is a huge boost.

I had briefly pinged Hazel over the course of the last few days. Just to see if she was ok. So so. Today she wasn't doing great, so I went round to see her. My first day out of the house in .. ooh... two weeks. I was taking a risk with my right foot, but meh. Hazel is upset about the prospect of her dad coming to visit in a week or two. Unresolved issues. A lot of upset. The fallout still stinging from Christmas. She is unsure how to begin to get her reservations across.

So I visited her, and after going through my bullshit of the last two weeks I sat and listened to her work all the way through it about her dad and her step mom. Her family in general. At points she got very upset and tearful. Difficult. I offered a few opinions and bits of advice where it was asked for, but for the most part just listened and understood. I think it's important for her to maintain her relationship with her dad, but, it's her choice. He is trying hard with her. But like most people, isn't the best at some things. Ends up inadvertently hurting her. There is a lot of undiscussed pain and issues sitting between them muddying the waters.

It remains to be seen if she does end up agreeing to him visiting. 

All in all she seemed upset and down. I asked if she wanted to spend some time back at my place again. No ulterior motive. But. I think she definitely does better when she's at my place. I think the transition back to her flat - and other issues - has been no easy ride for her either.

She's going to come over on Thursday, spend the night, then hop into town on Friday for an eye appointment. She ends up closer to the city with me, and can come with me to my doctors appointment just before her eyes. So. Lines up. Not sure how long she will stay after that.

I suspect she will end up agreeing to her dad coming up. And I think. She might end up leaving Poppy with me to go back home and deal with her dad. She asked me if I would be ok looking after Poppy if her dad came up. Sure. But. I am not sure you need to do that ? You can have Poppy with you ? No. She doesn't like upset people.

Hmmm.

We went for a short walk with Poppy. Taking the piss with my right foot. Bitter sweet out for a dog walk again. But no Athena. No Ares. Just memories. I still have no clue what life is fucking about. Bullshit. If you ask me. Pain. And grief. Sigh. Anyway. The short walk was nice.

The weather is blessedly cool at the moment. Very chill for June. Which is helping me a lot. My issues are way better in the cold. And much worse in the heat. Let the cold summer continue. But it wont last.


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