Jun 16

 Right foot is on then off then on then off with the squealing. It tends to flare up overnight, and in particular if the previous day I was on my feet more. It does seem to be heading in the right direction though.

My symptoms have calmed again. Less pains. Less everything. Not gone. But dialled down.

I have more energy than I have had in quite a while - a reflection of the symptoms retreating.

Behind it all there still lurks that hole. Still just peddling with no bicycle if that makes sense. I live from one day to the next. No plan. No nothing. Not confronting all the stuff that is missing. Perhaps overtime this will just be my new normal. And all the loss and everything else will fade.

Sometimes I dip into it. I open the door briefly. I get a flood of memories from all times. All the things I have experienced and seen. Particularly in this house. All the promise and life. All now just an element of history. The present is barren. It is weird. And awful. But. I don't dwell for very long on the awful. Before it starts to pull hard, I turn back, and let the memories drift away.

That absolute bone deep sorrow about it all is there. I am tapping it off. One tiny drip at a time. I honestly cannot see a point where that sorrow is now not part of my essence. Not a small part either. The overwhelming truth. Sorrow. I see no real point to anything. But I do things anyway. 

Waiting to die Hazel called it.

I am in a better place. At a glance I seem ok enough.

But I am still, just waiting to die. I don't know. Perhaps that is all life is in the end. I am pretty sure that's not true. It's just how my life is. I am not sure I can properly relate it to people. How can I make you see what I see.

I am still at a loss to understand what any of it is about.

I walk up the stairs to bed, and I can hear Athenas padding feet also coming up the stairs with me. Just a memory now. She is not there.

Is it me ? Is that not monstrously sad ?

I don't get it.

Oh well.

Sigh.

I might pack in the writing for a bit. I find I have little to say at this point. Nothing new. 

I am very doubtful I will go see my family at this point. What seemed like a must do thing to stave off if nothing else, my impending insanity, now seems. I don't know. Of a different world. In fact. I find I am numbing out to a lot of it. Numb. Quiet. Shutdown. I am not depressed. I am not hopeless. Just. Switched off. Why bother keeping the funfair running when no one is using the rides ? 

I think. Perhaps. There will be a bump down in the coming days. My mood will shift down. I will go into a long term slow spiral down. Definitely by mid summer when the friend who is largely keeping me company now becomes busy and disappears for a month and a half. I think. I have an inkling about how events are going to pan out. Timings. Happenings.

Uh huh. Whatever.

For the millionth time I find myself shaking my head. A manifestation of the I don't get it. The repeated error line of a stuck program. Does not compute. Error compiling. Day after day. No fixes. Just the same error. No one is going to save me.

And yes.

As clear as I am right now.

I'd still take that suicide pill.

I find life to be shit. The whole thing. Overall. Shit. To be sure there are lovely bits in there. Nice things. But it does not justify the rest of it. Doesn't make it worth it. Overall it's awful. Life is suffering say the buddhists. Learn to assuage that suffering or ... suffer more. My question is more fundamental. Why bother with it at all ? If it is right what they say, and all of this, is just a simulation. A matrix like reality built by a more advanced us that has recreated some simulated world that by and large engineers suffering. Then I find it to be horrific. Why. Would you do that ? If it's not a simulation, reality is what it is, but perhaps created by a God of some sort. Then. Why would you do that ? It is tortuous. And if it is neither of those. But just the accretion of properties and time and endless variation. Then. Why bother with it at all. A random pattern. That ends up as a recipe of suffering and misery. Return to star dust, and suffer no more.