Jun 18

Symptoms have flared. Yay. No bread. Just flares. Pains all over. That lull of symptoms was short lived.

Whatever.

Today perhaps Athena also caught up with me. I woke up missing her. Patches in the day where I really missed her. I smelled her bedding. Still smells of her. Probably a mistake.

I screamed in the kitchen.

All I can say is. It was like a popping of a cork. Having to hold everything in check. Having to try. Having to fight. Having to not be sad. Pretend not to feel ill. Or awful. Or hopeless.

The scream was all of that. And grief.

And then I cried.

As you do.

It doesn't change anything. Things are still are as they are. No one is going to save me.

I sat on the loo and contemplated suicide.

Right there. In the bath tub. Athena's ball still in the bathroom. Worn and scarred from her relentless pursuit. Now still and silent. Just lie in the tub. And slit your wrists. Oh some might say. We thought he was doing better. How surprising.

Calm. Cool. I hate it. I hate life. I do not want to be here. Cowardice and fear of pain mostly prevents me from leaving early. That suicide. Right there. Spur of the moment. It has a gravity to it. A relief. It feels like the correct ending. Its siren call increases.

Sigh. 

Carry on Johnny.

More suffering yet to come !

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