Jun 19

 Yesterday was a busy work day. And my mood was pretty shit. It has been for a number of days. Gravitating down. Sometimes a little up. Mostly down.

I wander around stuck in the same loops.

I am ok for a while in the house on my own. And then the existential dread settles. The house is too big. Too empty. A tomb.

The last few days and nights, Athena has haunted me. Perhaps I am processing more of it as the days pass, letting that valve open more. I miss her more than I can put into words.

Sometimes I think oh, I need someone in the house with me. Oh, I need a dog in the house with me. Or something. And it's kind of true. But then I think on it. And it settles. And at the end of the day, all it really comes down to is that I miss Ares. I miss Athena. And I wish I could turn back time and have them back again. That's what I truly miss.

I guess I am just terrible at moving on. At accepting loss. At adapting to sudden change. I can accept new things. I find it hard to let go.

But. This is over thinking. My mutts were my best friends, my closest souls. Losing them is just plain hard. No analysis required. The loss is dramatic.

Today I was a smidge better. A tiny bit of mood improvement. Which isn't saying much. One little glance at the wrong thing and it washes away.

Tomorrow I have some work queued up on my day off. It's shit. The planning is shit. I made that very clear. But as I've been told, my boundaries are shit, and people will just nod, sure, bad, and then proceed just to fucking ride right over me anyway.

As I am working tomorrow, today I took the opportunity to go swimming. For the first time in I don't know how long. I think. Perhaps. This time last year ?

It was nice. I ached. And am out of shape. But not that out of shape. Not like the first time I went after decades out of the pool.

Everything I do now is often framed with the thought of Athena. Last time I did X, Athena was here. Athena didn't see Y. It's like a pre and post Athena age. Last time I went for a swim, Athena would greet me coming back, give me a proper smell all over. You smell weird !

But the pool is one of the few things I did on my own. So. Her ghost was not really there.

I know.

I am stuck in a loop.

Forever living in the past, haunted by nothing but memories. Oddly enough, it's not just Athena. It's all the memories. Everything framed in the past. Nothing in the future. I think this is connected with the whole not living in the today. Waiting to die. End of story. Book has run out. So now all I do is leaf backwards through the book, but in a way I can't connect to anymore, because all the words have disappeared from the pages, I cannot go back and re-read that book. It's a once only thing.

Anyway.

The swim was good.

My right foot grumbled in and out of the pool. Getting out particularly. It's still dodgy. I can walk around on it with a limp. But it's not great. In fact I tend to limp all round now. Recovering still ? Or perhaps this is just what I look like now.

I went home and back to work. And at the end of the day, for no good reason whatsoever. I hit up the boxer rescue sites. Lovely doggos waiting to be adopted. Beautiful. So full of energy and bounce. 

I showed Andy.

You should register he said. Do it. Absolutely. No question. Do it.

Not a good idea. My health sucks. I can't look after them.

Get help. Get walkers. You need a dog.

Ho hum.

So I sent the rescue an email.

And then immediately regretted it. I cannot look after them properly. Did I just forget I have been off my feet for the last 3 months or so ? And before that, I only have the energy to walk every other day at best ? No good for a boxer full of zip !

Idiot.

Ho well.

Perhaps. Perhaps. I can get a lot of walkers in. Every other day. Go for a walk with a paid walker. Perhaps. It's feasible. Ish. Maybe.

Andy said I could always return them to the rescue if it didn't work out. Hell no. Unfair to the dog. Do. Or do not. Don't fuck them around. Very unfair.

I doubt the boxer in question is still available. They tend to come and go pretty quick if they have no major behaviour issues.

I have rested my faith in fate. The powers that be. The gods. The entities. The random chance of the universe.

If it happens, it happens. If it does not. It does not.

Fate will decide. I am asking the universe for a little guidance. It will answer.

Tomorrow, a bit of work. Hopefully. It doesn't spiral out into a clusterfuck. If it doesn't. I have asked Hazel if she wants to hit the coast tomorrow. I want to go see the Norfolk coast. To feel the salt on the breeze. I am absolutely in fear of doing that on my own. The ghosts of my dogs will come with me. And it will tear my heart out. So. I have asked Hazel. And Poppy. And it will be better.

There is. As it happens. A beach. Everytime I go, it has marked some major thing. My illness. Sitting hunched on a sea defence. The loss of Ares. Missing from the next visit. And now. The loss of Athena. Missing from tomorrow.

The depth of sorrow that follows my steps is utterly insane. I don't really know how on earth you're supposed to deal with it. Or go on. It is suffocating. If I stop, I drown.

I must be. Very, very damaged.

Sigh.

I spoke to my dad today again. I phoned him again. I am going to make it a thing that I call him at least once a week. I am convinced he is not going to be around for too much longer. And I do not want him to go having had no one really to talk to. Even if I am only talking to him for 10 minutes. It is something.

I asked today if he was getting out. No. No interest. You have a lot of nice places to walk. Down by the estuary. Not interested he said. Boring.

You find walking boring too don't you, he said.

My emotions came up and strangled all the words in my mouth. I could not speak. My thoughts just filled with dogs.

I could not answer. All I could struggle out was. It's difficult.

It seemed he knew I had lost Athena. And that walking for me was now boring.

No I wanted to say.

I love walking in green places. With forests. And places to explore. And rivers. And countryside. It is beautiful.

But without Ares or Athena to explore with me, it feels like my heart is fucking ripped out. I am lost in grief and sorrow and it reminds me so strongly of the thousands of walks we took that I can no longer take. It kills me.

Not boring. Crushingly emotional.

But I couldn't say any of that to him. He wouldn't understand in the capacity of mind he now has. And also he wouldn't understand the feeling.

That he doesn't really know me is no surprise. Who amongst my family actually does know me ? And least of all, my dad. He doesn't know me at all.

It is sad. Very sad.

And there is more to it than that.

It is damaging. It leaves a hole. It is just another reminder of the unloving, unsupported childhood.

It is brutal.

It is perhaps, at least somewhat, if not entirely, the reason I may be very very damaged.

The legacy.

I will struggle on and do my best. For the moment. For today. For tomorrow. No guarantees. I am sick. I am ill. I am so mind bendingly tired. And I am so sad.

Sigh.

Eh well.

From yesterday. A bit of pop psych. People who had unhappy childhoods usually develop these traits :

1. You're a bit of a micromanager and feel responsible for everything

You weren't parented. You had to practically raise the grownups. A need to be in control stems from a childhood where stability was rare.

Yeah. I suffer from this to one extent or another. I have learned to loosen my grip on this and be much more zen. But it is part of me. And there are times and places where it absolutely is in control. I think it's also why I ( and my siblings ) almost always step up to the plate and Do Better, and end up doing things Better Than Everyone Else and Running Shit. It is not a good thing in this context. It's a sign of deep seated fuckery.

Parents wise, this was our parents by and large ignoring us, or worse still, us being treated as an annoying hurdle to our parents freedom or enjoyment of things .We learned to get out of the way, look after ourselves, have to do everything ourselves, otherwise there was pain and unpredictable mood swings. You learn to make yourself scarce as one way of coping with that. ( the follow up way is then you have to learn to a) read emotions on people very well, particularly negative emotions and b) placate those emotions to try to avoid an eruption ).

2. You're an approval junkie. A desperate need for external validation likely comes from a childhood where love and support were conditional.

I suffer this in an odd form. And again. It's something I have disciplined myself half out of. I have a very strong compulsion to make people happy. Not just as in, relieving suffering. But also entertain them. Keep them happy. In the past I have burned huge amounts of energy dancing to the whims of others in the hope they like it. I have, mostly disciplined myself out of this. But it's very much there. And the fight against it is very real and continual. I have absolutely not mastered this. I have to actively counter it.

We got fuck all love and support in our relationship with our parents. At no time whatsoever did I ever get a well done, or encouragement or shit all. Ever. Or any sign of love at all. I got tolerance at best. And irritation and emotional outbursts at worst.

3. You have serious trust issues. You have emotional walls. This is instilled from broken promises from parents as a child.

This I don't have. And. My parents never really broke many promises. A few very key ones. But otherwise. They never made any fucking promises. There were no offers. Or support. So you don't need to make promises in that context. Just get fucking on with it. Also as an adult I have leaned hard into being trusting and generous with people. Some of that is a counter reaction to my parents being the opposite of this and being distrustful, scouring, and mean.

4. Your self talk is extremely negative. Nobody talks down to you harder than you do to yourself. This is caused by a judgemental raising. Where nothing was ever good enough or feelings were constantly dismissed.

Ah ha ha ha. This. I have the olympic gold medal in. The poster child. And this rings so horribly horribly true and on the nose that it's awful. Yes. To all of the above. Judgemental. Not good enough. No encouragement. No nurturing. Just kicks. And fuck you. Do better. Stand on your own two feet. My inner critic is savage. Even knowing that and with discipline, it can be brutal. I have not outgrown this. And I doubt I will.

5. You always take the shine off your own accomplishments. You constantly downplay achievements, praise and compliments. This is a sign of insecurity and caused by a childhood where you got no encouragement.

Another absolute on the nose problem I have. To a massive degree. It has at times caused issues where I cannot take a compliment. And people get angry that I cannot accept a compliment. Most things I do turn to ashes in my mouth as soon as I am finished. I get little satisfaction. And this combined with the inner critic means I get shit all enjoyment from things I do. Regardless of how good they are. And yes. Of course I had no encouragement as a child. Duh. Never. Ever. Zero. If you want to see what that looks like as an extreme case, then I am it.

6. Opening up to people is extremely uncomfortable for you. You've perfected the art of hiding emotions. This was probably due to not being able to emotionally express yourself as a child.

So this one is not me. However. I would say this is something I have entirely taught myself in spite of how I was raised. Emotional outbursts or opinions were not allowed as a kid. Shut up. Fuck off. Go away. I can absolutely mask my emotions and adapt socially to a very high degree. I have learned to not do that if I don't have to - and probably even overshare. My default is now to share. And be emotional. I like to be open. This one I have conquered despite having been brought up to not do that. That being said. I am very likely now too far the opposite way. My negative emotions often fully overtake me. However. This is also probably a manifestation of long term hardcore mental health issues that have done damage.

7. You have people pleasing tendencies. You bend over backwards to make others happy even to the point of self sabotage. Saying no is difficult. This is fawning behaviour a trauma response born from a childhood where your survival depended on staying in the good graces of unpredictable caregivers.

I have this. I can tolerate the idea of people not liking me. But also I am super shit at boundaries. Saying no is very difficult. And I will try hard to please others. And yes. My survival did indeed depend on unpredictable caregivers who I had to scrutinise carefully to read emotions, and either retreat hastily, or placate or suffer. And typically placating didn't work too well anyway and you'd end up suffering. This also explains why at a certain point in my life I stopped entirely interacting with my mom. Placating didn't work. Suffering was all that was to be had. Your only solution left is to make yourself scarce and as small as possible, and don't engage. At all. Ever. ( this infuriated my mom, of course, and just brought on more suffering and fighting - with silence on my side of it )

8. Conflict sends you spiralling. You avoid disagreements, confrontation feels like a personal attack. This aversion likely stems from witnessing constant hostility or volatile situations.

Not so much this one. I get it a little, I heavily dislike conflict, but at some point I will turn and give as good as I get. Albeit as an older adult I have disciplined this out of myself by and large and I will not escalate or respond in kind. Zen. Negativity gets you nowhere. Nevertheless I do find disagreements not easy unless there are no stakes involved.

9. You're a social chameleon. You change who you are depending who you're with. This shape shifting ability probably arose from a childhood where love and acceptance were inconsistent.To get by you learned to be what others needed.

I do this by default. To the max. I can slip between people and groups without thinking about it and I adapt who I am. In later life it has become tiresome and has slowly ushered in a realisation that few to no one knows who the fuck I actually am. There are few people I am just some semblance of me with, and almost none I am truly me with. In my parental case I think this is just yet another extension of having to adapt to a tricky home situation with no love, irritation and volatile moods. This would come under the "placating" to head off a mood snap. Also a shifting around to try and elicit some positive response ( didn't work ).

10. You're addicted to apologising. This reflects low self esteem and a fear of taking up space. This can come from a childhood where you were treated as an inconvenience or mistakes were met with harsh consequences.

Ok. Interesting. I am not super into apologising like that. I don't think I have a problem with that. However. That being said. Low self esteem and taking up of space definitely. It's just that it doesn't manifest in me as apologetic. Mostly. Sometimes, particularly when I need help, I can be nothing but a barrage of apologies. Fundamentally I don't think I am worth anything. But apologising is not the order of the day usually. I think this is a thing from my upbringing where you are shown an example absolutely about being unapologetic about stuff ( I can't remember my parents apologising once for anything ) - instead you fight, you kick, you do not back down. But at the same time you have no worth, you are an irritation, you are a pain in the ass, and all you can look forward to is a clip around the back of the head. I think that's probably how I mostly skipped the apologising bit, and just went straight to the no self worth bit. Unless I need help. In which case. I am with my parents. I know I am being a burden and a pain in the ass. And I cannot apologise enough. Oh dear.

11. You're extremely sensitive to the slightest disturbance. Loud noises, sudden changes, others moods affect you intensely. This is developed from a chaotic or unpredictable childhood.

Interestingly I never had this. And I don't think I had a chaotic or unpredictable childhood - it was shit, but it was predictably shit. No surprises. Apart from the moodswings. However. In adulthood I absolutely have picked this up. Which tends to imply I have been subject to that kind of trauma as an adult. There are some really obvious candidates in there to trigger that, mostly to do with dealing with other adults mental instability or outright abuse. I think this has actually done some damage to me. My time in the trenches has left some scars it would seem. Also. The huge anxiety and mental health problems just for myself in adulthood are going to not help here.

12. You're a black and white thinker. Everying is amazing or terrible, no inbetween. This reflects a childhood where emotions were all or nothing - intense feelings were unacceptable, so you learned to suppress complexity.

Nope. Not got this at all. Or even a sniff of it. We were not allowed emotions as kids. At all.

13. You're terrified of screwing up. Your inner critic is a perfectionist. This can be caused by being raised where any mistake was met with severe criticism.

Yeah. Kind of. I have learned to accept screwing up. Being in IT its part of the job - risk management, and putting in place safeguards to mitigate it. I absolutely understand this is part of life. Also part of being human. This is adult me picking up wisdom, discipline, and getting professionally trained in it. That being said. This is definitely part of me still. And some aspects of my life where this zen wisdom or discipline escapes me can mean I am absolutely paralysed by fear of failure. I cannot do something if there is a chance of failure at times. Not Good Enough. My inner critic reinforces this brutally. It often shows up in places you might not expect of me. And yes. Failure was met with derision by my parents. Because This Is The Way. No encouragement. No guidance. No love. Kicking on the other hand. Ah ha. Yes indeedy. Also see my dad actually kicking my mom on the floor because her MS had made her collapse. No encouragement. No help. Just fucking kicking. And name calling, specifically, you fucking bitch. Also see when my mom wanted to go outside into the garden and would trip, my dad would not help, not be worried, but just give her a dressing down. Again. No help. No empathy. Just another fucking kicking. Excellent. I did confront him about both things at the time, to one mild or extreme level as the case maybe. Pointless. Like talking to a brick about how to not be a brick.

14. You're a little too independent often to your own detriment. This came from a childhood where you had to rely on yourself and relying on others ( your parents ) led to disappointment.

Uh huh. Poster child for this one again. This is probably one of the key things I share between me and my siblings. We all have this. In spades. And yes. We did all have to fend for ourselves hardcore and never got shit. That being said. In much later adult life I have learned / been forced to not be so independent. And I absolutely need help. Particularly with ill health and mental health. That's a different issue. And starts going down the rabbit hole of, I am shit and can't do anything and now I need to often be babysat ( my ill health feeds my lack of self worth ).

15. You catastrophise everything. Minor setbacks spiral out of control. This thinking often represents a childhood with instability.

Uh huh. I used to do that a lot. I have worked hard not to do this anymore. I have not mastered it. But I am a lot better at it now to the extent I can get along with it ok. My sister has issues with this. Albeit she doesn't spiral - she doesn't let herself do that. But she does sit and game out all the worst outcomes which is really fucking bad. I have actually talked to her about this, and learning not to do this. This also comes up in CBT and is a trait of depression and learning how to handle that and not spiral. I have picked it up in my battles with mental health and depression and the realisation that planning for every possible shit outcome means you are constantly living in a world where you are thinking of the worst things. There is a very great wisdom in not crossing bridges until you get to them. Foresight is good. Obsessive foresight for the worst outcomes is mentally corrosive. Balance is required and some aspect of being able to let somethings go and leaving it til later / trusting it will be ok. Oddly enough. My dogs also helped me a bit with this. Learn to trust it will Just Be Ok a little. This is also anti control freakery. Learn not to have to be a control freak. Let go. Loosen the white knuckle grip. Ease down.

16. You're in a constant state of emotional numbness. Emotions seem distant or you experience a delayed reaction to them. This defence mechanism is a response to overwhelming chaos in childhood and or neglect. You learned to shutdown.

Yes and no. This flicks on and off for me. I don't know if this is from a childhood thing - which I definitely had - or, whether this is hardcore disassociation and mental fuckery. Or perhaps it's both. I absolutely disassociate hardcore at times. Very bad. Perhaps all those things are related. Hard to say. I am also tentatively inclined to say that some aspects of this are normal ? But that could be very much me thinking that's normal, because I get it a lot, and it actually being pretty fucking abnormal. Disassociation in and of itself is seen as a pretty bad fucking mental health sign. Ha. Yeah. I got my frequent flyer miles with that one. Look at all my pretty stamps in my passport !

17. You self sabotage all the good things in your life. This reflects a deep insecurity and a belief you don't deserve good things.

Don't have this at all. Nada. Zip. Zero. Hooray.

18. You over analyse everything. This obsessive overthinking can stem from a childhood where you were trying to gain control in an unpredictable environment.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha. The length of this blog post alone tells you all you need to know. Yes. I have a suspicion I may be one of the worlds greatest over analysers. That being said. I do believe it serves a purpose. And I am pretty up in my own head most of the time. I quite like thinking about shit. And learning stuffs. My brain is always on the go. So. Uh huh. But sure. I can see that it possibly stemmed from that whole, learning how to think on your feet as a kid, be hyper aware, read emotions extremely well, placate, yada blah. That all takes a lot of analysis power. And at some point it starts to stick. Then you get into IT where analysis is in the bloody job description, day in, day out, think like a machine, and your fate is sealed.

Whilst we're here, also something to read up on

Childhood emotional neglect.

Examples :

    Lack of emotional availability: Caregivers may be emotionally distant, unresponsive, or emotionally unavailable or rejecting, making it difficult for children to connect with them on an emotional level.

    Ignoring or dismissing feelings: When children express their emotions, caregivers who emotionally neglect them may ignore, minimize, or dismiss their feelings, telling them to “stop crying” or “toughen up.”
    Absence of affection: Emotional neglect can involve a lack of physical affection, such as hugs, kisses, or comforting touch.

    Inadequate attention: Neglectful caregivers may not provide the necessary attention to a child’s emotional needs, such as listening to their concerns, offering comfort during times of distress, or celebrating their achievements.
    Failure to validate: Emotional neglect can also manifest asTrusted Source a failure to validate achild’s experiences and emotions. For example, a child experiencing bullying at school may not receive validation or support from their caregiver.
    Lack of encouragement: Neglectful caregivers may not encourage a child’s interests, talents, or passions, which can hinder the child’s self-esteem and sense of self-worth.

And then what it looks like in an adult :

    fear, or be hypersensitive to, perceived signs of rejection
    overreact to stressful events
    suppress or avoid negative emotions
    have difficulty forming and maintaining new relationships
    depression
    have trust issues
    find it challenging to communicate their feelings effectively
    develop insecure attachment styles

Uh huh. Something to chew on.