Jun 27

 Invalidation.

Sometimes this gets passed around as one of the on trend, pop psych buzz words used from everything from a genuine problem, to someone just not getting their own way with a tantrum. As is the way with pop psych buzz words.

But. This has come up a few times over the last couple of weeks. Invalidation of how you feel, your emotions. Lack of support. The perpetual glossing over and minimising of issues for, at best, a misplaced attempt at making someone feel better.

I commented recently in the blog about the fact that any sentence that started with "At least it's not..." was never useful.

A friend of mine who is going through numerous serious problems all at once had complaints about her spouse and his continual waving away of how she felt. The upshot being. She would demonstrate anxiety. Fear. And he would tell her she was stupid. Over reacting. Go away. Leave him alone.

Poster child of invalidation right there.

How you feel is how you feel. It doesn't mean it's correct. Correct lives in the realm of rationality and problem solving. How you feel lives in the realm of emotion. As one of my GPs always used to say, you can't think your way out of an emotion.

The edges are blurrier than that. There are definitely things you can do to help or hinder how you feel. CBT is all about this. Learning how to avoid negative spirals.

But. There is a core truth there as well. Emotions and rationality are not on the same plane. You can walk into a funfair haunted house and get spooked. Even scream if you're that way. Of course, intellectually, you know there are no killers in there. You will come to no harm. Doesn't matter. The physiological response you get, the dumping of adrenaline, the emotional kick you get is real. Regardless of whether the stimuli is genuine or not.

The biggest example of this phenomenon would be stress in my humble opinion. The fight or flight response that is invoked whilst sitting in an office meeting. Intellectually you don't need to either fight or flight. Doesn't matter. Monkey brain thinks you do. So you do. Hormones. Reponses. Heart rates. A bio chemical soup kicks in. And you alter in a very real way. Despite there being no tiger in the room that's going to chase you and eat you.

Those responses are more often that not correct however - stress in workplaces aside. Getting scared about scary things... is the correct response. It is part of your defence mechanisms. Avalanche starts. Scared response. Adrenaline up. Go go go. Is the correct response to that stimuli.

So. A person says how they feel.

I feel happy. I feel sad. I feel scared.

The absolute shit response is to invalidate that feeling. Because. Perhaps that person rationalises it's the wrong response to a situation.

Which may, or may not, be true. And if the person is at least not entirely braindead, the thought should occur that "right" or "wrong" response can be very context based, depending on the individual, and that anyones analysis of the situation is subject to the same flaws as everyone else. In other words. What you think might be a) not what they think and b) you might be yourself wrong in what you think and projecting that.

Regardless of the question of whether a stimuli warrants the response, the person still feels it. Half of human experience is about triggering those feelings regardless of the stimuli ( watching scary movies, bungee jumping, sky diving, any andrenaline junkie shit ). 

Invalidation is so often used as an excuse to not care. This is actually what it boils down to. To not have to respond to anothers emotion. To walk away, yeah, whatever, you deal with that, I can't be arsed offering any support.

So in my friends case ?

Yeah. Slam dunk. Invalidation of how you feel - and in my opinion in her circumstances she is fully justified in her response. And her other half is not only invalidating her, but also fundamentally fucking wrong in judging the stimuli is not worth it. ( To make it clear, it's about whether they have a possible terminal diagnosis or not. Which. I think we can all agree, unless you're a fucking brick, or some kind of enlightened zen master already halfway to being a tree, is indeed something that you're probably going to worry about a lot ) . Anxiety. Over a diagnosis ? Yes. That's called being human. And having a normal fucking emotional response.

Let's also make it clear that yes. There are definitely times when a continual emotional response becomes overreaction. And something needs to be done to address that. But there are usually proper diagnoses for that shit. Anxiety disorders. Disturbances. But again, it doesn't mean the person doesn't feel it. Self inflicted hell is still hell. One school of thought is that they are not worthy of any support because it's their own fault ( which, ignoring the fact this covers like 80% of all fucking human failings seems rather hypocritical, but ok ), so, you get to walk away from them, guilt free. Which. Ok. Doing that to people you are in close relationships with however. Uggghhh. I think in all honesty at that point, you have to have a real hard look and reassessment of what those relationships look like and mean. Because. Not supporting someone is grounds for being a deal breaker. If you're not going to support those close to you. Then what the fuck is that relationship ? A happy go lucky easy breezy one ? Sure. Possible. Surface level. No time for the bad stuff.

In sickness. And in health.

Or maybe just in health. Sickness you're on your own. Lolz.

Don't get me wrong. This is definitely one - not so nice - aspect of the human condition. When the going gets rough. Or slightly rough. The tough leave thank you very much. It's definitely a sliding scale thing too, rather than black and white. Sticking with someone that has turned into a raving psychopath is a hard ask. Sticking with someone who has some anxiety however. Yeah. You should be able to clear that bar.

I find that I also get this from m family. I know in their case, they don't mean it. It is unintentional. The constant trivialising of symptoms and problems. The almost force feeding of YOU'RE OK NOW. Are you joking ?

It makes me retreat. It makes me stop sharing and talking. Because I get continually invalidated.

I understand. I even know where it comes from.

In our family it is our parents legacy. That upbringing.

It is another problem I then have to deal with. As does anyone in that situation.

You have to deal with an added emotion of rejection, isolation, frustration, anger. You have to work on it to let it go. To forgive the other person. To understand they don't always say the right things. That they are flawed. An uncaring idiot at times. 

It's not an easy ask.

Add that to a stew of not being well, or sad, or whatever predicament you found yourself in in the first place and it's even harder.

It's no wonder that you often see either a response of either anger or withdrawal. Which then frequently just inspires the other to double down on their invalidation. 

The issue becomes difficult when you start hitting the gnarly end of mental health issues. When you do have anxiety disorders. Paranoia. Whatever it is.

But I think by and large, caring about how someone feels is never a bad choice. Regardless of how genuine the stimuli is. I think anxiety in general works this way, it's often the case that anywhere on an anxiety scale tend to blow things out of proportion. I've been there multiple times myself. When putting a foot out the door is horrendous. Anxiety riddled. Scary. Panicky. Why ? It's just outside ! Sure. Except. It doesn't feel like that. You can I think straddle that gap. Be sympathetic. Care. Hold someones hand. And also be aware that their response is just their world and does not reflect reality.

I guess in the end it comes down to this.

When a small child is scared, do you kick them up the arse and laugh them off.

Or do you support them, be kind, and if necessary, work through their fear to see it wasn't something to be afraid of anyway.

There are a couple of things I have learned / am learning about this.

The first is. Listen to the other person. And as my friend recently said. If someone tells you something about themselves, believe them. If someone says, I am doing a bit better. Then great. I am glad you are doing a bit better. If someone doesn't say that. Then do not offer it. Oh. I have judged you to be doing good. Well done on that.

I've got this recently with my beach pics. Oh, beach pic means, you must be doing good.

Sure. Ok.

What I didn't fucking tell you is the absolute mood crash and misery I had 2 hours before getting to that beach and the sense of loss, grief, hopelessness and loneliness and talking to myself like a fucking mental case in a public swimming pool*.

But sure. Lets go with. Beach pic = I am all fixed now great.

It is me doing my fucking hardest to heal. What I don't want is someone telling me I must be all good now. It. Trivialises my absolute bare knuckle drag down knock out fight I am in. It glosses over the suffering going on.

But I deal with it. And learn. It's a useful lesson. A mistake that I will try not to commit against others.

Just another notch in that, understanding, empathy, yeah I've walked that shitty path, here is what to say, and what not to say, what to do, and what not to do.

So I get it.

And when I see it happening to others. I understand. And I do my best to not be like that. Care. Support.

I guess they label this kind of thing as emotional intelligence.

And I get it.

Some of this stuff is so above the paygrade of Average Person, who will continually stick their foot in their mouth, that it's not even funny. Expecting people to behave like a sure footed guru of therapy is unreasonable.

But. Some people. Really are utterly fucking dense with this stuff. And are hurtful. Without even realising it.

I wish they'd teach some of the basics of mental health shit and just how to behave around people in school. The How To No Be A Dick Intentionally Or Otherwise lesson. Just a bit of an emotional intelligence lesson. It can't be a bad idea to teach kids some meaning of empathy. How do you think they feel ? What would be a good response here ? Do you think that might be hurtful ? etc. Jesus.

Anyway.

Pflah.

Hot today.

Think I will see if I can hit the pool. I am not in the mood for it really. But I need to keep going.

*( When I told a friend about crashing in the pool and talking to myself, they joked I must have been a real treat for the lifeguards watching the pool. I said something along the lines of I don't think it was that noticeable. But uh. Maybe it was. You would definitely have noticed if you were watching me. I mean. I stuck my face in my hands at one point. So. If you were watching. Which. I guess. They have to be. It's noticeable. Ho hum. Funny. In a very dark way. Happy to be the local grief riddled raving lunatic. )