Jun 30

 Ok. So. Yesterday was horrible. I skated dangerously around and in, and out and in of full on mental. I was having panic blips in the kitchen. Holy fucking shit.

As it turns out, whether I liked it or not, I have developed a major fucking aversion to the CPAP machine in very short order. And. Most of yesterday I sat around in some form of really fucky state, at times panicky.

Yikes.

This has entirely blind sided me. How fast and how hard my mental state has slipped out of my hands, and how much of a shit and - surprise - panicky reaction I had to the thing.

At this point I think I'd rather set the thing on fire and kick it out the window than ever touch it again. And it's not a rational thing. It's an animal thing. Can't breathe. Machine bad. Fuck machine. I said to my brother later in the day. I think I'd rather not breathe. Than put it on and feel like I'm drowning. I'd rather suffer a shit descent into apnea related health issues than do the CPAP.

Hmm.

I did my best over the course of the day not to lose the plot entirely. Tricky. And it sounds so easy and calm in that sentence. It was not. Even close. It was sketchy as all fuck.

Over the course of the day I eventually calmed down. But. It's knocked me for sure. Uneasy. Anxious. For christ sakes. Can I be normal for 5 minutes. No. Fuck you. Are you kidding me ? This level of panic and mentalry over a mask ? Ah. Yeah. But. It's not the mask. The mask I can deal with. The machine and the pressure is like drowning to me. And also, it's almost certain that rising anxiety and panic combined with the iffy drowning feeling only exacerbates the whole thing, and then makes it feel even worse, and that heightens the panic. And yeah. You can see how that goes.

Having thought about it a bit, I think I will give it another go, but, only if I get a nose only mask. I figure that way I can breathe in through the nose, and out through the mouth and that way, it wont feel like someone is trying to suffocate me with a pillow. It's not the breath in that I struggle with. Nor the feel of a mask on me ( although it's not great ).. It's fighting to get the breath out when the machine is pushing against you. I. Can't. Fucking. Breathe !

Perhaps it's just me being quirky. Panicky. Maybe it's my asthma making that particularly hard for me. Not sure. I do know that my asthma always complicates stuff breathing wise. I am used to it. And I roll with it. But. Hmmm. Perhaps the CPAP is a bridge too far for that delicate balance.

But I can tell you the precise pain point. If I am actively breathing, and thinking about it. I can handle it. It is not great. But I can handle it. However. When my breathing winds down - and I do very shallow breathe - it suddenly becomes not enough because the machine is now pushing against me as hard as I am breathing out, meaning, suddenly, I am not breathing out at all. And now I am drowning. As that tickle sensation triggers, hey, we're not breathing. No. Really. The asphyxiation automatic panic response starts to bubble. And off we go. My conscious thinking bit of me picks up on this, is alarmed, anxiety heightens. We end up tearing the mask off, saying fuck that, and developing a fully blown fucking panic response to even thinking about using it. Somewhere in my brain the question comes out as - would you like to trying drowning again. No. No thank you. 

So. I figure. Two realistic choices here. Either I bin the machine and just resign myself to a possible shitty apnea state permanently ( but at least I don't feel like I'm drowning.. well... consciously... ). Or two, get a nose only thing, breathe out through my mouth. And sure, if at times I end up mouth breathing or my nose is blocked then I will get no benefit. But that's better than throwing the thing out of the window and getting no benefit ever.

I don't know. It could turn out I'm just as sensitive with a nose mask as I am a full mask. After all. 90 minutes of trying it was enough to turn my nose into a blocked up mess of mucus. Not great. I think in reality this will probably be the case and I wont be able to tolerate a nose mask either. Apparently this is also not uncommon. Hooray.

Whilst technically there's a third option - get used to the full mask, and or fiddle with settings et al. That's not happening. Whatever it is. I cannot do that shit. It ends up inflating me like a balloon as I struggle to release a breath.

( There also exists a different kind of thing called a bipap. Which is for people who struggle to breathe properly against the pressure. No fucking shit. This is a machine that instead of a constant pressure breathes with you. But. Still. I feel like I am very gun shy now of a full mask. I no longer trust it. And the animal bit in me is absolutely freaked the fuck out by it. )

Today I spoke to my brother. A catch up. But also. To calm my absolutely fucked up nerves. I sat and listened to what he had been up to. Calming. Just. Listen. Someone elses normal life. No fuck ups. No impending doom. It sounds nice.

He eventually asked me how I was. I fell silent. Are you still there he said ?

Yes.

I was silent again.

Well that's not good he said.

You don't want to hear it I said struggling with emotion.

He said he did.

Anywho.

Long story short. I didn't confront him today. It wasn't like that at all. There was no hostility there or grudge. But I finally told him that he said that to me once. That no one wanted to hear it. Was I sure it was him who said that ? Yes. Not our sister ? No. Was it a long time ago ? 2021. I can remember it very clearly. Sitting in his car. Just pulling away from my house. Me half curled into a protective ball in the passenger seat.

I am sorry he said. I'm sorry I said that.

It's ok I said. 

I've learned a lot he said. I understand a lot of things better.

And just like that. It was much better.

 We talked about other stuff. What to do with people who need support. Listen. Shut up. Don't try to constantly fix things. Don't try to silver lining things. Don't invalidate. Just listen. And empathise.

We got into some stuff about childhood emotional neglect. I said I nearly had sent him the list of things but didn't in the end. But I read a few out. He identified strongly with them. And a few things came out that I didn't know.

It is very sad.

It is so very clear the level of damage done to all of us by our parents.

Two things stuck out that I didn't know.

The first. Was about not getting any encouragement, support, etc. My brother said he had made a submarine and a ship at school from clay. Proud of his effots. Brought them home. Where my mom immediately threw them in the bin. From that day on it seems my brother was then shy of showing anyone what he was doing. He said he would often do things at the bottom of the garden in the shed, creative stuff. But would hide it from my parents. And on the rare occasion my mom would go looking for him, in the combative way that she did, he would hide his work. For fear of it being binned again no doubt. And that. A half a century later. Still hangs around his neck. Trauma.

The second thing. About people pleasing. He said for a very long time he would always give away his things to people who visited. Because he wanted them to like him. It had taken him decades to correct this, because he knew something fucky was going on.

Each of those things directly related to one of the neglect traits. Textbook.

Brutal. And sad.

My mom could be like that. Back in her prime. Cruel. Combative. Always looking for a fight. No love. No affection. Just duty. And criticism. It was only when she was much older, and got seriously ill with MS that she softened. I always thought that the fear and vulnerability of her condition was the thing that in the end took a lot of the venom out of her. But even then. She would still be horrible to my sister.

I had a much better relationship with my  mom in the latter years. We talked a lot. Shared a lot. I think on the whole I forgave her for all of what she did. Perhaps forgiveness is the wrong word. I am not sure. I didn't forget. Didn't agree with it. But. I ended up leaving it alone. And moved on. And ended up with a different relationship with her. But then. She was a different person to me at that point. Very much like two different people.

I know that neither my brother or sister had the same journey. There's was more difficult. And never resolved to a better place.

Anyway.

It was good today with my brother. He gave a shit. Very clearly. And I liked talking to him about stuff. We bonded over the past in a good way. A bit of resolution over why things were the way they were. I don't know.

Today was a closer day with my brother.

And it was good.

Elsewise yesterday I was ( and am ) absolutely exhausted. Which figures. I got a few hours of sleep in. And that was anxiety riddled and bracketed by fuckyness. So. 

I tried sleeping in the late afternoon. I was literally buzzing by that point. Concentrating is hard. White noise. Delayed responses. Been there. Done that. I desperately needed to sleep.

But all I could manage was 15 minutes here. Then awake for a prolonged period. Then 5 minutes there. It was very much like something about me no longer trusted me. Are we breathing ? Are you sure ? Breathe. No. Wake up. Check we're breathing.

Holy shit.

That stupid machine and my dumbass reaction to it have really done a number on me.

But also. It's probably quite a lot to do with a really fucky mental state ( and no sleep ). My brother was of the strong opinion I needed to bind myself up in mental meds again. And stay there.

He's almost certainly right. Though that too, is not a happy place, and brings its own problems with it.

Pick. Your lesser evil.

I'm buzzy again. Nearly 3 am. Working on only a few hours sleep in the last 48 hours. And. I can actually feel it. I can feel what that felt like to struggle to breathe out. Caught in my chest. Can't breathe. Like a weird reverse asthma. And along with it. I can feel that instinctual panic there too. The holy shit can't breathe panic.

Uh huh.

Boy have I had a bad reaction to that thing. I am going to have to tread very carefully if and when I get a nose only mask and try that. Because I suspect I will be like a spooked horse.