Jun 30.2

 Today has not been a good day.

I woke up with super anxiety. A scrunched up wincing pain in my stomach. The pain you get when you are very upset. That woke me up.

It.. kinda.. makes sense. When you wake up you get a cortisol kick to wake you up. Which also has a side effect of raising stress. So if you're already anxious, stressed etc, it kicks it into overdrive.

Uh huh.

Today was sketchy. Anxiety. Jumpy. On a knifes edge. Exhausted. I did my best to just noodle around today, and, I managed to do that without triggering anything else. But it's a very shit way to exist. Permanent high anxiety. Misery. And my mind is flirting with going crazy. On the edge. Dancing. Where your thoughts spin out. Every stimuli is weird. I can suddenly feel my thumb clenching. I can't relate to anything. Disassociating. Everyone else feels like a story. Life is weird. Observing it for 10 feet above. Turning over how horrible it is.

Oof.

Today was also about competing tortures. Athena was back on my mind today. The emptiness of the house pressed in on me. No Athena there. No anyone there. This is how it's gonna be. Empty. This is the future.

This is rough. Rough to deal with on it's own. At the moment it's just one piece of bullshit amongst many.

I am struggling hardcore.

Give it time. Give it time for things to settle. Don't push at anything. Keep it simple. Let the meds do their work too.

But even this is new. No mutts. No one there to talk to. I have not been here before.

I got an email today from the Boxer rescue place. They couldn't consider me as I fell outside their area - and they did home inspections and support, so they didn't have infinite range.

Fair.

The email was another emotional bump.

It absolutely should not be. If I was in anything close to a normal state of mind, that email should not have affected me.

As I am, it did. And I wrestled to keep my emotions in check with it. I felt a sense of loss I would never get to say hello to the young boxer I had seen.

It goes without saying that it was a mistake to inquire about rescuing a dog. I can't rescue myself at the moment. Let alone a poor mutt.

Suicide danced through my head late afternoon. Just turning it this way and that. Not for long. But it hovered there. It's bleak. You always knew you would get to this place. None of this is particularly unforeseen. The exact details yes. The overall picture. No. You always knew it would be terrible. And here you are. Why are you still here. Let go. Your story is done. The road has run out.

I put those thoughts down. I cannot argue against them. But I just put them down. Got a cup of tea. Watched some TV. Ignoring the elephant in the room.

No answers.

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