Jul 1

 Slowly. So slowly. The anxiety comes down a notch.

Still sketchy today. That swivel eyed mad horse malarkey just beneath the surface. A constant hand required to stop it from bolting. Ssshhh. Calm. Calm. It's ok. Don't think on stuff. Calm.

Eeesh.

Today I slept quite a bit, as, my anxiety wasn't terrible in the morning. It was there. For sure. Twisting up my guts. But it wasn't terrible terrible. So I got up mooched around then went back to sleep. Still catching up on my abysmal lost nights sleep with the CPAP.

Slept until swimming time, then went out for a swim, not enthused. But. It's a good distraction and filler. If I stop for very long at all, the walls of darkness around crash on top of me.

Uh huh.

What a lovely existence.

I'm on a bit of a restricted diet for the next 24 hours. Got to redo my SIBO test, which means nothing but plain chicken and rice for today, and tomorrow, nada. I think the SIBO test is probably a waste of time at this point as I suspect I already fixed it. I read between the lines, saw the first test had me down as bacterial fuckup, and a SIBO should be run, so, whilst doing that and waiting, I went ahead and just treated myself as per recommendations. IE. Get some bifidum into your system. Regularly.

Anywho we shall do the test and see.

Swim was alright. Better than last week. I struggled with it last week. Was easier this week.

Whilst swimming and pondering on my shit life. And grief. And all that crap. And just how much I didn't want a girlfriend or wife because of many reasons, but mainly because of compatibility and also I have little to offer. I came to a realisation that perhaps I was just put off of the whole thing by the thought of a regular kind of thing. And if I were say, in a perfect world, to find a geeky kinda gal, who was easy going, and willing to put up with my shit. That. Would be ok. Better than ok. Pretty cool.

Huh.

So. You're not against this per se.

Ok.

Next question.

Where at this point of the 21st century, does one find laid back geeky gals ?

Because I have no fucking clue. Once upon a time at the dawn of the internet, the internet was entirely populated by geeky types. So. That was easy. Now. With everyone and their mom on board. It's hard to weed out the TikTok influencers, from the duck pouts. And the quiet geeky types have retreated into the shadows for all the loud mouthed normal people.

In any case.

All of this is almost certainly moot for someone dying on their ass. Who. Is going to want to get into a relationship with someone dying on their ass ? On the other hand. We can go to the beach once in a while. I'm good for money. Said person wouldn't have to lift a finger. Would have a secure home. Peace. Quiet. It's not all shit. That being said. I have poked around places where you can find geeky dating. Likely too old. And fucked. But eh.

I got a reply back from the CPAP people. I missed it. Short advice. Read the newbies stuff again. Join the facebook help group if possible. And also. The person who runs the charity admitted she also struggled at the start. As did her husband. As do many. Stick with it.

Ho hum.

It feels like a bit of an evil to be honest. I am not encouraged by the number of responses or feedback that offer a Oh Yes, Me Too, It Was Hideous.

Hmmm.

I will think on it.

I am not rushing it.

I am instead opting to let my mental health settle before emarking on challenges.

Taking my own advice for once.

When beaten up. Feeling shit. Destroyed.

Take it easy. Give yourself a break. Rest. And try again tomorrow. Or next week. Be gentle with yourself.

Ok.