Jul 12

 A slow malaise this week.

I could not bring myself to do work per se. I helped out here and there. But by and large. I did nothing. I wasn't playing games. I wasn't skiving off. I was. Drifting. Sleeping. Zombified. Staring at the walls. Not hopeless. Not.. quite. But also. Just not there.

I felt better yesterday, perhaps a bit of a break from work is what I needed. But today. Despite getting up and being active, taking some stuff to the dump. Getting lunch. I have fallen into a hole.

Perhaps it was because I dreamed of Ares and Athena last night. They were back. And it was lovely to have them back. But at some point I broke down into tears and asked someone, do you see them ? Yes. They saw them. How are they back ? How are they alive ? I cried. Not wanting to question it. Just. Accept it. They are back for now.

I woke up. Their presence lingering. I turned over went back to sleep.

Today as part of my being a little active, I pottered around and did the hoovering. Bits of Athena's hair still clinging to the stairs. Collected into the corners. And all of a sudden it felt like I was getting rid of the last of her. Another exit.

Goddamn.

And suddenly the hoovering became awful. Emptied out her hair into the bin.

Fuck. Me.

My mood plunged. The sadness strangled me. Goddamn. I cried.

It has been two months since I lost her. And I'm doing better. But that depth of loss is still there. I very much doubt it will ever go. My life is a shadow. I continue on, as you do.

I don't know.

I am. Pathetic. I am just not built for life, for this world. It should affect me less. It should hurt less. I should just be able to move on. Skip ahead. I can't. It hurts like a fucker. It turns my life into a wasteland. Clearly there is something wrong with me. I live my life often in abject misery. Whatever key other people have, I don't have it. Over sensitive. Prone to the negative spectrum of moods and feelings.

I cannot escape that the older you get, the more grief, sorrow, loss you accumulate. How can it not begin to weigh you down ? They talk about emotional baggage for relationships. Does not the same clearly hold for life ? I don't know how people deal with it. Some people tell me that others just don't think about it deeply. Or they escape to the bottom of a bottle, or some other coping mechanism. Few raw dog it and embrace the pain - which the implication is, that I do. I don't know if that's right. I think surely it must be my failing. That I have become sensitive. Too sensitive to properly function. I don't know. Perhaps this is what being human is like. The buddhists certainly think that life is suffering.

My demons crowded in as my mood dropped. You're sad again. Everyone is sick of you being sad. No one is going to like you. No one is going to want to talk to you or spend time with you. Because you're hopeless. You deserve to be on your own.

They were punching down.

So. As ridiculous as it is. The hoovering was a major test. I did it. I cried. I zoned out.

Sigh.

My friend got her test results back. Not terminal. A relief. She is relieved. I am glad for her. Hopefully she can use it to regain her fighting spirit. Not down yet.

Kept up the swimming this week. Slowly I am getting into better shape. I am not pushing it. Not even aiming for anything. But my stamina and strength are increasing. Slowly. I can do more lengths before flagging. Longer stretches of activity in shorter time. I think the swimming is crucial for me at the moment. It's the only excercise I get. I have stopped walking entirely. Today I caught myself kind of wanting to go for a walk in one of my usual haunts. No dogs. It's very weird. It's hard to get across. 14 years of habit. Gone. In the blink of an eye. The muscle memory remains. All those things in my head. I remembered taking Athena out in her old age across the Heath. At times either her or me struggling. I so badly wanted to take her for a walk again right then. To have the joy of just walking with her and experiencing the world. But she is gone. And nothing I do can ever bring her back. So many memories. And nothing in the current time and reality to say it was ever so. I might as well be crazy. The two most beautiful souls gone. And no one would know. It blows my mind. How can such beauty exist and yet pass without a glimmer that it existed. It is terrible. Unfair. Cruel.

Life sucks. It is monstrous.

One foot in front of another.

I am devoid of any meaning or understanding. I am just waiting for some glimmer of an answer that makes sense of it.

I have so many possibilities at my finger tips.

And they all feel like ash.