Jul 16

 Mental health continues to bump "up" and down. Wicked anxiety the last two days in the morning. This seems to be something of a haphazard pattern - brutal anxiety in the period of beginning to wake up until fully awake - and then it lingers. It is no doubt down to the cortisol spike you get of a morning to help you wake up - in my case it amps up to a high degree, and proceeds to wreak havoc. Not uncommon.

My physical health is definitely in general on a turn for the better. It's not great. But it is mostly, or tolerably, behaving itself. Apart from the shit eyes every morning, bloodshot, stinging, sandy, and of course, the perpetual panda black eyes to go with it. The black eyes in particular are getting worse - now they are black at all times of the day. Perhaps the swimming is helping. Perhaps the closer attention to diet - although that being said I've kinda eaten a fair share of garbage in the last couple of days. Perhaps it's just the time of the year. Or. The wax and wane of whatever bullshit goes on with me.

I've struggled to maintain even a glimmer of positivity the last few days. The mood has been down, even when it has calmed into a non anxiety ridden state. I see little hope or end goal. Athena haunts me at times. The depth of grief in there is enormous. My confusion and inability to understand what any of it is about is still absolute. Life. Does not compute. Error. Compilation fail. See debug output. But there's nothing in the debug. Just a fail.

Today I was talking to a friend at length, and unusually, very unusually, I was under the knife for a change. He spent some time in a monologue talking about where and who I am. Expanding on his opinion that "I don't get the support I need" into a "your experiences are not normal, abusive, shit. Despite being smart, you are very vulnerable to being taken advantage of, and, your engaging with so many damaged people - often acting as their therapist - does impact you in a negative way.". He was particularly critical of some of my relationships, feeling that some took a lot from me. It was he noted, one of the first warnings he got from another of my friends - to make sure that I was not taken advantage of, because, in their opinion, I was pepertually taken advantage of.

Uh huh.

It's also something that others have said.

There is it seems a feeling that I get fucked over. That my parents did "a number" on me and my siblings that has had profound fucked up effects.

I do get it. I think. My generous side. People get defensive about it. That I am too generous. And that I put up with too much. The difference perhaps is in the degree. Or opinion about it. To which maybe I am blind, I think it's ok. Others do not.

He was also clear that I have been in no uncertain terms, abused in my time. No doubts. Slam dunk. Abused.

He works with abused people. So. You would think he knows what he's talking about.

I sat and listened. I didn't say anything. Didn't disagree. Just listened.

If anything, it was sad. As he talked. I grew more sad.

It is perhaps. Some of my core bits of damage in there.

I wont go into the exact details of what he said further. It referenced some very specific things said to me in the past that were... really not good.

It was unfair he said. At the very least.

That. Is life. I said.

No he said. It is not. That's your life. You have a fucked up perspective because of the shit you've been through. It is not normal.

I said I appreciated that perhaps, just like someone abused, that if are down the bottom of the pit looking up, then what you take as normal is anything but. And your world view, grim, negative, little support is just your warped version of what you've experienced.

According to him, life is not like that. And I am traumatised.

The things I do for people he said, mark me out as someone who goes above and beyond. Who tries hard. Is always there for people. But gets little back. You seem to be in a position where the people around you are not good people. Some, much worse than others.

Hmm.

I have listened. I am pondering it. That slow absorption and turning over. It does strike a pretty resonant chord in me that few things often do. On some deep level, not an entirely conscious one. Which is. Uh huh.

I think perhaps some of my hopelessness is the giving up of the world ever being "nice" to me. It is I think a reflection of the lack of support or care I get in a real way, on the ground, hugging distance. I am still, as I was as a child, left alone, deal with it by yourself, suck it up. Which is to me, the way the world works.

My friend assures me, it is not the way the world works.

I believe him. I have just... it's not in my wheelhouse. I don't know what that looks like.

Hmm.

I am thinking it through.