Jul 21

 The anxiety stayed with me all day yesterday. It did not shift of the evening, albeit it reduced.

I did little to nothing yesterday. Slept. Watched a little. Slept more. A single load of washing. Fragile.

Today I am a bit better. Fragile still but head above water. I feel a desire to go out, drive, sit in nature, enjoy the cool evening. But I cannot. Doing it on my own just feels empty. Awful. Lonely. No furry butt in the back with her head over my shoulder snuffling my ear. Or head out the window. And no other soul to enjoy it with.

It feels empty. Pointless.

That 14 years of muscle memory, always with a dog or two in tow.

It's hard.

A bit of me that I enjoy, a part of the world I enjoy feels closed off to me now. No more of that.

It is another loss.

It has been a long while since I have experienced things on my own. And to any extent, even longer than that. I have, by and large, always been around someone. 

The evening is cool. Light. Beautiful. It is a perfect evening for a slow explore with a mutt. Investigating the green. The rivers.

A photo from an age ago. Ares. Out the window. Approaching Mousehold Heath. Those were the days.

I miss you handsome boy.

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