Jul 31

 The "cold" seems to be getting worse. Uh huh. Didn't sleep much yesterday, so was doubly rough for work. I am taking it easy this week at work because of this. Swollen throat is slowly getting less severe, but, it's now started settling on my chest. The asthma meds are helping. But. Stuff sitting on my chest is no bueno.

I sorted through a bunch of pictures today. Just weeding out a lot of "spam" of board games from the pub from many years ago into their own folder. Along the way I found many pics of Ares and Athena hidden amongst the boardgames. After a while I stopped sorting. The pictures were lovely and sad. The one thing that comes across in them - pre 2020 bullshit. I am a lot happier. A. Lot. Happier. And. There's a reason I was so strongly tied to my mutts. They are adorable. They are always looking to me. Or snuggling me. Forever interested in what I am doing. Forever good natured. Clingy good natured babies. This is not true of all dogs. At all. But it was true of my two. And therein. Is part of the "problem". They were close to my heart. I gave them a beautiful life. But now I am without them. I get to pay that price. I don't regret it. I would give them a beautiful life all over again. But the price is brutal.

Ho hum.

So sorting my photos has made me very sad.

Coughing away.

It belatedly occurs to me I might have covid, not a cold. As they basically present the same symptoms. I don't have a test lying around. Not sure it's even worth doing that and figuring it out. I am isolating myself regardless of what it is. So. Eh.

Today I also ghosted around Facebook a little. The pictures had made me sad. This is part of the reason I don't use Facebook anymore. I don't need it to ghost around other peoples lives and make myself feel even more sad. Stop that shit. Social media can be insidious if you let it.

My sister left me a message on whatsapp the other day. She had tried to phone. Nothing too long. Just reporting on some tests of her legs. That she was due to go off on holiday soon. I left a long response. Somewhat miserable. But. I tried not to be terribly miserable. Not sure I entirely succeeded.

The problem is. I don't think I am good company. I am. Hopeless. And sad. And all I see is pain. I am not a fun person. At least. That's who I am to me. I know - others recently have enjoyed me being around. A different me. Masking. But I know. I have little if anything good to say. And with little good to say. I should say nothing. So. I find myself not talking to people. Protecting them from my darkness. Isolating. Like a plague carrier.

Which isn't good.

Bought some more hard drive space yesterday. Disinterestedly. But. If I am doing anything. Then it is watching stuff. TV series. Movies. Whatever. More hard drive space is probably useful. The passing of time in this space is also bewildering. My first ever hard drive - enormous and cutting edge for its time, was 120MB. Yesterday I ordered 32TB. That puts me somewhere around 50TB in total I think. 50. TB. It is an insane amount of data. But. Give it another 10 years and I dare say it will seem paltry. Not long now until we start talking glibly about petabytes I think.

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