Jul 4

 A few slightly better days. Not much. At times shit. At times passable. I think honestly my brain is doing an even harder job of scrubbing the bad bits. When I am slumped in bed. It's kind of. Glossing over it.

Uh huh.

I am slowly getting used to mooching around the house on my own and the place being empty. Athena still haunts me. But it's fading. It's been nearly two months since I lost her. If I dwell on it for longer than a blip it starts to eat me alive. So. I tend not to do that. I miss her terribly. I think I will miss the both of them terribly forever more. But. It's getting easier to get by. Part of me hates that. Part of me also realises it's necessary for me to have a chance of surviving.

I still feel lost. But. I'm just drifting. It has to be said one of my friends has done an outstanding job in keeping me busy, distracted, and rarely without his company. It's hard to quantify how much help that has been. I think it has made a huge difference, and largely kept me on the better side of the line.

For the record.

I'd still take that pill.

No hesitation.

On Tuesday for the first time in what must be more than a year, I went to boardgames. I felt a little better, which is not saying much, I was tired, my eyes were a mess. But. Eh. I realised I would be at a loose end. And whilst I wanted to just rest and sleep, I know that resting and sleeping whilst critical for me is often a losing game. And. The more time I spend on my own, the worse it gets. A day or two on my own starts to drag me under.

So I had an evening of board games. It was nice. A lot of the old guard had gone. Covid did such a number to our group. But there were a lot of people there I did know. And I got a lot of hugs and much love. Which is nice. It is for me a really lovely space, and one in which I am really appreciated.

Was exhausted by the end of it. A few years back I would have been up front doing all the organising, running around, clearing up at the end, and home with energy to spare. These days. I can't do shit. Just turning up is exhausting. Still. It was good.

Today I went for an x-ray on my foot. It is still iffy. I regularly walk around on it now without too much trouble. It grumbles a lot. But that's about all it does. Today the walk to and from the parking lot to the hospital is probably 500 yards. Not including the traipse around the hospital. By the time I got back to my car my foot was squealing. Uh huh. I cannot walk far on it it seems. Buggered.

I doubt the X ray will show anything, it's more precautionary than anything. But we will see. Perhaps there is some fracture in there or a spur or something. I really doubt it.

I also went for a swim today too. I am not swimming hard at my swim sessions. I go up and down the pool, stopping inbetween. I think I did around about 400m today. Hardly trying. I am not pushing it or going for ever more. I am just using it to get out get some exercise in and move around.

I've been eating light of late. Which seems to be helping. There's definitely that issue with my stomach that goes on. Eating the wrong thing. Or a little too much ( which is not a lot these days ) and it kicks off a cascade of problems. I don't know.

I'm just trying to eke along at the moment and not trigger any major downturn.

There was a lovely doggo at the pub on Tuesday. A lab. He was sleepy and slow. I asked how old. 7. He seemed a lot older. I gently gave him my hand to sniff. Then gave him a gentle head stroke. He was very chilled.

I am still very lost. No joy. Just. Existing.

I've been watching the news coming out of the US. 2024 was always going to be the turning point. The supreme court ruling that the president can basically do no wrong - above the law. And also the news that the republicans are making plans in secret about what they're going to do if they win. A complete break from their usual discussing of plans and policy. It seems fairly clear the plan to overthrow the system is well on its way. One of the right wing lot even went so far as to say that the US is on the verge of becoming a new republic. Many on the left are drawing parallels to Germany in the 30's. Exactly the same steps. I think the US is doomed. Time turns, empires rise and fall, things change. I think the US is going to become an autocratic ultra right wing christian state. There are going to be lots of people persecuted. And shit is going to get bad.

In the UK our own right wing government are about to have their asses handed to them in a way that has never been done before. The timing couldn't be better. As the US looks to be going down the plughole, perhaps, at least, the UK will have a bit more common sense and more social care. It's going to need it if the US rises as some new age fascist state.

I think even if the US does manage to miss becoming some fascistic state this time around. It wont the next time. Precedents are being set. The checks and balances are being undermined. The supreme court is hopelessly corrupted. It's just a matter of time. Unless some radical changes are made. And it seems like that's not going to happen.

I think it was probably always going to be this way. There is a rump of the US that is that right wing. That is that bigoted and shitty. It always has been. At some point, unless that attitude shifted - and it never has, it was always due its time in the light. It will have major implications to the rights of citizens in the US. It will have major consequences on the world stage. The "modern" era of Pax Americana will dissolve over night. And a new - much darker - normal will appear.

Now's probably a good time to move to New Zealand.

Addendum

Had bread today for the first time in a while.

A few hours later I am wracked with muscle pains.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.