Jul 8

 It has to be said, my moods can be a little temperamental at the moment. "Little". This doesn't mean I am flip flopping around screaming at the world before collapsing into tears every five minutes. But it does mean that I am finding they can escalate up and down within a few days to some pretty edgy levels. I am more than half aware they are doing that. I am not blind to my being ... flakey.

By and large I keep them within a caged area. Ok. This is what I'm feeling. I'm not sure they need to be out there ripping people to pieces. Letsssss just have them in here. Until we can get some more rational facts turn up. You. Are not 100% reliable. Yes ? Yes. Good. So. Moderate.

Easier said than done.

I am finding I am sensitive towards people, and, my stupid hyper vigilant always good at reading people bullshit means, I am sensitive to any ripple they exhibit. Which if you know people is normal. People often go through a bunch of less than stellar responses or thoughts of which they consciously think are private. Which is normal and fine. However, most of the time those "private thoughts" are absolutely not private. At all. Even slightly. Body language and just speech pattern itself sits there shouting loudly what the actual state is ( think about the classic "I'm OK" statement with a set of folded arms, bottom lip pouting and frown. The words and intent says one thing, the body language screams the opposite ).

On a tangent, I've often wondered about this paradox between the conscious stated intent, and the actual given intent, because almost always it seems like people really like telling the blunt honest truth, but it's just that small conscious speaky bit, that likes to either lie, or not directly say what's on their mind. Think about it. Tell a lie. And yet your body then screams I'M LYING. HERE'S WHAT I REALLY THINK - sulky pose. Uh huh. It's almost like one of those want to be caught things. A passive aggression. Even the pauses in speech or the order of words often gives away what's really going on, and, this absolutely is a conscious choice ( albeit for many of these signals it doesnt seem to be conscious at all  - at least, not high level conscious ). A conscious choice to say one thing in words, and yet, the delivery, reveal the actual truth. I've often somewhat jokingly thought of it as body language being an entirely separate entity in a person, like the person sitting behind the train driver, who is desperate to communicate the actual state of the train, regardless of what the train drivers announcement says. It's comedic. "We are delayed due to a signal error" says the train driver. Meanwhile the dude in the back is frantically shaking his head and indicating its because the driver slept in. And there you are looking between the two of them. It's polite social etiquette to only acknowledge the spoken words of the driver, and not to bring attention to the wildly waving person in the back.

It's a fascinating bit of metaphysical disagreement of intent going on in a person. Body language particularly so often gives the game away. If you were truly committed to saying something and meaning it, everything from body language to how you say it to facial expression would be inline with that. Unless it's 100% genuine that's never the case in my experience. Unless someone is very well practiced at lying. And I do mean practiced - something that again in my experience is very rare.

Anyway. Whatever.

The upshot is.

If you have the ken to see it, you can routinely see what someone is genuinely thinking or saying.

It has far less bandwidth than spoken speech - so, you can't infer an entire political stance from it - but it does communicate simplicities very well indeed. I think you suck. Or. I am very unhappy. For instance.

Being able to interpret that stuff as another channel of input, basically sucks. It's like a permanently on lie detector. And surprise. People are forever lying. All the time. To themselves. To others. From micro to macro. At that level it's just the continual interaction with the world and the filter required to have some level of sanity within it. Everything is a subjective piece of interpretation and it requires a lot of fudging and guesses and seat of the pants thinking to get you, the thinking bit, any kind of workable data.

It's not a character flaw as such. It's just human.

In realtime you get to see the shiver of fear, anxiety, anger, jealousy micro ripples that happen in a person. The consistency bit, IE, not being a lunatic every five seconds is I think a very conscious management of all those blipping signals. A signal to noise ratio if you like.

In a way it can be imagined like a big board of lights. Each one that lights up is a triggered detector ( response ). Anxiety. Blip. On. Off. Fear. Blip. On. Off. Discomfort. On. Off.

The rational bit of you is the person watching that board. It flicks switches on and off. Acknowledges ah ha, we got a I DONT WANT TO DO THIS trigger here. It then considers a response - if any. I have a warning here that this makes me anxious and I dont want to do this. But. I am an adult. I want to help this person. So we will do that. And say. That's fine. I am good to do this.

This in my opinion - and from what I observe - is what is happening with people. There is it has to be said some parallels there to Freud and his Id, Ego and SuperEgo model bit, with the competing compulsions and the arbiter deciding which vote gets it. I can see what he means, but as I've said before, for me, it's not so much three entities, as a whole pack of different personalities in there. A village. But anyway. Digressing a little.

If someone is entirely comfortable in a given space, then you wont see any of the conflicting say one thing body language another above. What you see is what you get. That person is relaxed.  Not having to vet anything.

However. When someone is not comfortable, then the above kicks in. And comfort here really comes down to a situation where the animal bit wants to do one thing, but the higher level conscious wants to do another. IE the animal bit says, run away from this person, I don't like them / I am nervous of being a twat / they are boring / unsettling / smell. The conscious bit of you sticks with it, be polite, be nice, calm down.

You end up with that awkward conversation oh so very common.

This situation also can turn in an instant. Even where two people may ordinarily be comfortable with each other, a sudden shift in conversation or something will suddenly push people into that paradoxial yes and no state.

It can also occur when the other person has a pre baked mood shift - they are already tired, or upset, sad, horny, anxious.. even just hungry.

The upshot of all of that is.

If you can see it. You can see those signals popping off. The small movement that indicates discomfort. The micro facial expression that ripples impatience, disgust, boredom. Whatever it is.

Ordinarily you build up a thick skin to that emotional noise. Because it can be noise. It's not necessarily the final output of the person ( it has to be processed ). So seeing a fear reaction doesn't necessarily mean they will run away. It does mean they are uncomfortable with it.

You gain a tolerance to the randomness of reactions, and just wait for the actual stated response. Mostly. But you can also see when there is rank bullshit - a host of screaming I don't want to signals, and then a begrudging OK explicit signal. Yeah. No. You don't want to.

Personally. If I am in a bit of a state myself. My capability to patiently ignore that storm of micro signals weakens a lot. And I am aware when someone has a negative response to me. And I take it hard.

This is absolutely my parents training. Of having to be excruciatingly good at reading people in order to find the negative reaction and be able to take action on that before it's even uttered. A heightened fight or flight response. Keenly aware of the incoming balled up fist. Watch the eye twitch, the fingers start to move. Run !

So. I see them. The impatience. The, I'd rather be somewhere else. The. I can't be bothered with you. The. I am fed up of you complaining. I see them. I take them. And I stab myself with them.

Ha ha.

Overall this is just the same old malarkey of being in a stretched mental state having a very wearing effect on your level of control. As your mental state becomes more tenous, your overall control of everything drops. Your capability to deal with shocks reduces.

This is why small things can suddenly trigger the person in crisis into a full blown meltdown, whilst the person standing there is wondering why they are in crying fits over a dirty knife being in the sink.

Also.

The above is a neat description of why your energy can get drained in some situations and not others. We talk about a social battery. Introvert, extrovert. The conscious monitoring - and overriding - of your base signals into some constructed higher output takes effort. The more signals and bullshit going on, the more effort it takes.

So someone with a lot of say, social anxiety, where their board is lit up continually with a I AM NOT COMFORTABLE signal, and is having to perpetually switch it off and alter that to, just stand there and smile, is going to wear out in 5 minutes flat.

Someone who has none of those signals - who likes being in a crowd, is enjoying chatting - has no drain of energy whatsoever, as what they see is what they get. In fact. They may even be energised by talking to people because it starts to excercise bits of their brain that have got bored.

Anywho.

So saying all of that.

My sister sent me a short message this morning. Apologising for not talking to me. And that she had been very busy.

Cue, one of those mood shifts.

I had already very clearly picked up from her previously that "she couldn't be doing with my shit".

That. Was clear. She didn't say so. She tried.

But yeah.

It's me.

And I see what you mean. Not what you say.

This had caused me to drift downwards with my mood, family relationship, everything. Gloomy.

I am not - yet at least - an entire nutcase. And kept it somewhat in control. Breathe. She has her hands very full. She has her own life. I am at best, a satellite.

But still.

In my fairly fragile state, it's another thing to deal with.

So her apology this morning, short as it was, and honesty about being busy, was like the release of all that negativity. I told her it was ok, I was aware she was very busy and that she needed rest. I was doing a bit better.

It comes down to that.

Honesty.

I am an ass. I can see through people. It's not a good thing. It's a shitty trauma taught super power necessitated by emotional abuse.

If you are dishonest around me in certain ways ( see trauma training ), there's a good chance I will immediately recognise it. Depending on how I am doing it will affect my relationship to you. I heavily dislike dishonesty in a person. I need to know they are ok with me. Open. Honest. I think this is why I adore getting to know people, at being let in and seeing their internal thinking and hopes and fears and desires. If you're dishonest. I have to watch you. And guard against you. And it instils that childlike trauma response in me. In a very basic way, you become my mom. And I need to be careful of you. If I don't stay one step ahead of you I will pay the price. This is uncomfortable for me.

If I'm robust and zen and not in a fragile mind state, I will deal with all of the above without much fuss. Although, if you're in a continual state of dishonesty with me, you'll get pushed to my periphery. Not even really a conscious decision. Just a, you take a lot of energy to be around kind of instinctive reaction.

Oh.

A final addendum.

Not really pertinent, but more of a completionist thing.

As well as body language going against what's said. You obviously also get the whole everything lines up. No filter. This can be both positive and negative. Where someone likes you, is happy with you and genuinely smiles or touches you. And the reverse. Someone is angry with you and is not afraid to state it and show it. I think outright displays of negativity hit like a hammer - I think we are tuned to see these as Shit Is Going To Go Down displays.

Anywho. Just a point to say that body language it not always turned against the spoken intent. It just so commonly can be. People often are dishonest in their lives - for good reason. The shocking bit to me is how bad people are at reading it. But then. Perhaps I would say that. I have a trauma induced skill beaten into me. From my perspective. It's easy.