Aug 1

 August. Already. My "cold" is both better and worse simultaneously. The coughing is horrendous. The feeling of gunk is horrendous. But at times it clears up a little. Sleep - and the very dubious dimming of the flame that happens to me during it - is awful at the moment. It - and everything else - gets a lot lot worse after I've been sleeping.

Good stuff.

August sticks in my head a bit.

At the start of this year. The end of last year. I had considered that August would be a loosely predicted tipping point. I had thought it probable that I would lose Athena in August.  Due to heat. Summer. Everything. ( I lost Ares in August, my mom in September ). I also thought that I too would struggle to get out of summer. August - the end of summer - had the feel of a bit of a death month.

As it turns out, Athena passed earlier. Although. I still. Struggle with how sudden and stupid and how that happened. I .. don't... dwell on it overly much. Because. It's an active source of doubt. And pain. And loss. And massive guilt. So. Not good. Blip. The thought of Athenas last tiny walk up the green flares into my head. No. No no. No no no no no. Shit. No. Goddamn. My god. So awful. Tears. Breathe. Clear. Breathe. Fuck me. Breathe.

Sigh.

This summer in the UK at least has turned out unusually blessedly cool. So far.

But August is here. And I am struggling anyway.

Last night I caught up with a friend. We talked. We got to a rubber meets road point. Where. I had to pull off my mask. Be brutally, miserably, blunt. No. I am empty. I have no joy. I have no hope. Everything is in my past. Nothing is in my future. The only thing I think we disagree on is you think I am in the middle of my story, just try again, just get up, a little bit more, another effort. And I am already at the end of that story, I have tried, and failed, and tried, and I have run out of road. Nothing left. An accumulation of sadnesses. That there is a wall. An end. Is a fact. Everything. Everything has an end.

It was sad. And emotional. I don't like doing it. Because it's so negative.

She still thought that I would gain a little spark somewhere in time.

Perhaps.

I highly doubt it.

What is the alternative she said. Live in purgatory until you die ?

Yes.

That's no alternative.

It's not my game ! I don't make the bloody rules ! This is what the game is, this is what I have to play, I get no say in it, this is how it is. I cannot wave a wand and magically alter life. I have to play with what I have. I don't like it. I hate it. You have a significant other I don't. I have nothing. Shitty health. No support where you might expect some. The only good is in my past. And even that is dubious. My life has been far from a bowl of cherries. But what little there is, is all in my rear view mirror.

I lapsed into quiet tears.

This is the raw state of emotion I am in. Take the mask away. There's the real me. Off the charts upset, sad, miserable, grieving for everything.

Ho hum.

No one likes a misery.

Today I have sent a couple of ultra shitty emails out.

Delivery failed to turn up today. Or rather it did. But the delivery driver did the usual ring and dash. I watched incredulously as he delivered parcels across the road from me, exchanged words with the mail man, and then left with my parcel. All whilst I was standing in my front garden watching him.

Cue absolute fucking chocolate teapot response from the worst kind of shitty fucking Indian call center humans worse than fucking AI service team. Oh just wait a bit they said. No. No fucking no. I have just watched him drive off. Do you fucking understand english ?

No.

They don't.

Cheap ass fucking overseas call centers. I am sick of everyone just pretending like that's ok.

It's not.

Fuck off.

Eventually I got called by a UK service center person who fully understood, was very apologetic, and promised to get it redelivered today.

Which also didn't happen.

Cue, two epically shitty emails.

Fuck them.

The delivery charge was £12 for that shite. And the order was several hundred pounds worth. Not only did I send a rocket up the fucking epic level of douchebaggery that is DPD, I sent two off to the company that was using them for delivery. Which I've been a customer of for nearly - holy shit - 40 years at this point. But no longer. I hope they really appreciate losing a decades old customer because they can't be arsed to employ a decent delivery service.

Fuck late stage capitalism and its automated bullshit services that hide complaints et al.

Whilst my complaint wont end up making much - or any - difference. I have made it nevertheless. At some point they become a tipping point.

In any case.

I will take my business elsewhere.

The salt in the wound is that I could have ordered from Amazon. Zero delivery charge.

I have flat up told them if it doesnt get delivered tomorrow I will outright cancel the order AND also never order from them again whilst they have that shitty delivery partner.

Assholes.