Aug 15

 Work was ok this week. Don't get me wrong. It was the usual round of bullshit - this time supplied in abundance by one of our better clients - who seems to have gone off the rails at the same time as the former director has retired. But. It was ok.

On the plus side, the new senior guy we took on, what, a month ago now, continues to show he is on the ball. I spotted some absolute bullshit put into one of our systems by our "senior" dev - abso-fucking-lutley NOT senior - and after some sidetracking to find out what the fuck he had done, I left it with our new guy. Who had already spotted the issue, talked to the dev, and was in the process of removing it all. So. Yay. Someone, finally, competent in the house. So far everything he has done work wise has been on point. What I would expect from a senior dude. Old school competency. Unlike the rest of the shitshow that rotates through our office.

Today has been a very shit day. I spent most of it asleep, feeling rough. But the sleep did me no good. It's getting bad. I am struggling to get out of bed and make it up and downstairs. Brutal exhaustion. Pains. And my eyes have sand poured in them. They were horribly blackened today. It is a constant source of mockery to me everytime I look in the mirror that the docs refuse to do shit all about it. It is not in their book of things that mean anything, therefore, it must be ok. Infuriating. Like watching a boat sink. But because your repair book has nothing on holes in boats, the idiotic conclusion is, that it must therefore be ok. Or at least ignoreable.

Whatever.

I made the point to a friend, not to be insensitive about it, but I often had the look of someone suffering from cancer. The chemo look. Haggard face. Deeply shadowed eyes. That whole. Life sucked out of them look.

Today I was gun shy of eating. Everytime I eat of late it makes me feel very bad indeed. So. I am getting shy of eating. When I did eventually eat something light - at 8pm - 15 minutes later I felt like shit. Predictable.

Eh well.

None of this is a surprise. A slow worsening of symptoms, seems to be the pattern. Almost as if something is seriously wrong, and it's going untreated and degrading over time. Still. Always room for optimism. Maybe next month, after a solid 4 years of bullshit, it will be different and turn around.

Uh huh.

I think tomorrow as something of an adventure, assuming I can get out of bed, I will take a trip into the city and go have a nose around the asian supermarkets. Looking specifically for Tamari. But also just nosing around and seeing if I can find anything interesting. Some legit soy sauce would be nice. Not that I use it very often anymore. I haven't been in a legit asian market since I was a kid. It will, weirdly, be a bit of a treat for me. And I am left wondering why it has taken me so long to do so. Sometimes I am like that in life. It takes me an age to realise something that should probably be fairly obvious. I can be stupid like that. Perhaps it will also be an excuse to get some lunch or something in the city too, although, I suspect that will be a bridge too far. The trip itself is likely to wipe me out.

I still need to make an appointment to see the private GP about my SIBO stuff. It feels very much like rearranging the deckchairs of the Titanic at this point. But. I should try I suppose.

I am finding myself of late leaning into isolation. The loneliness is ebbing away. And now it's drifting the other way. I find myself not wanting to see people or go places or maintain friendships. I just want to stay in place. And if I am totally honest, just die slowly in peace at this point. As miserable as that is. It's not a bunker mentality thing. At least I don't think it is. It's just a very tired thing. And, losing any kind of need for human contact kind of thing. Or perhaps, I am just pulling my circle in to a very close circumference. I'm not avoiding everyone. Just. Most everyone. I am unsure whether to keep leaning into it, or, put up a fight knowing that isolation is a Bad Thing.

I dragged myself out this evening - before eating - just to nip around and get a few basic groceries. Along the way I got a couple of smiles from women. And. The absolute horrific trauma response in me was, oh no, no no no no no no no no no. Suffering and horror and trauma, no. It actually gave me a physical response. It made my stomach clench as a trauma response, and left me feeling emotionally sick. Which. Is very bad. I am like a beaten dog. Flinching at even the slightest thought of interaction. Yikes. My dysfunction is showing. Perhaps it was just a bad day. Even so. A very bad sign. On reflection as I left the supermarket I realised I absolutely wanted no part of it. Even though in theory, a companion would be lovely, I think in practice the trauma I have about everything now just makes it.. impossible. Some of it, is that I can't bear how positive or happy someone might be. It's not that I begrudge them that. It's that I just can't be around it. It jars so badly with my experience that it actually hurts. Ay ay. It's also something to do with being so ill, that I retreat from anyone that is well, because, like a leper, I should not be seen or interacted with. Unclean. Leave me be.

I can step back from myself and examine me as just another case. And I can see the damage. Very not good. Not much I can do about it. I am I think, in such need of healing that it would take a bottomless pit of care and kindness at this point to start to undo all the shit. 

Ah well.

Perhaps it really was just a bad day.