Aug 20

 This blog. My random almost bare to the metal thought spew onto page is a strength to me. It is without doubt helpful to me. I could not tell you 100% why, other than recycling the same things that shrinks say, about writing things down, getting it out there, different bit of mind, whatever. But it does something. It gives me a tiny bit of strength. A tiny bit of support. It is perhaps, the smallest scream out in the void - and, it helps. It feels like a place where I can be as close to myself as possible. I don't have to second guess how my comment lands. Or the feelings of someone else. Or whether I come across nuts. Or anything. Even though, those things do at times kick in a little here. It is a freedom to be.. just me. Which in my life is beyond refreshing, it is a weary shaky sigh of relief. Like putting down a heavy weight for just a while and taking a rest.

Anyway.

It's useful.

The shrinks are not wrong.

I struggled yesterday and today again. Yesterday I had a slightly better patch, meaning, I still felt like shit, it was pretty fucking awful, but it wasn't as bad as it had been. And that lasted until I ate something. And everything went very shit, very fast, and I was at the bottom, pondering that the end had to be very close at this point. Surely.

Bad.

When I recovered I had something of an epiphany. Were some of my symptoms now escalated to a horrible degree after eating in line with the effects of an ulcer. The internet said - yes. If you had a bad one. A bleeding one. The weakness, exhaustion, wiping out, nausea after you eat was consistent with a bleeding ulcer. And. You should get that looked at.

No shit.

Hmm. This also chimes with my theory that I have been suffering from stomach ulcers regularly since I fell ill in 2020 ( of which part of that horrific period I think was indeed down to a wicked stomach ulcer ). This goes under my "gastro bullshit" issues that I have. Closely related to my "cardio bullshit" issues. As they can to one extent mimic the other.

I have finally booked my follow up private GP appointment for the SIBO results and what to do about them.

However.

As I have become so very bad after eating of late, it has again, as it tends to do, pushed me into a little action. It appears that I only really get pushed to do anything if my suffering gets to the point where I think I am going to die imminently, it happens often, and ends up coinciding with a burst of energy. I have decided I am going to bring it up with the private GP. And. More than that. I am going to strongly float the idea of someone sticking a camera down my throat. I want. To do that. I think. You might find something. I could be wrong. If I am. Good. I will have crossed another thing off the methodical list of Shit To Check. If I am not wrong. Good. We will have found something that needs looking at.

So yeah. I have made up my mind. Lets do that.

I know. I am utterly shit at it all. I am not entirely sure why. I suspect it is some ADHD bullshit nonsense. I get a "feeling". Its not the right time. Cant do something. I get stuck. I get it all the time. I get it with my own healthcare. I get it in my head that "now is not the time". Because of Reasons. The universe has not willed it. It's bullshit. It's just, whatever my brain does, doing what my brain does. I know that for other mundane stuff I often get caught in endless loops of If this, then that, then this, and first yada. So. To do something. I end up in a list two dozen long, because clearly, to pick up a box in room A, I first need to sort the garden out, paint the walls, move everything in room B, and fix item C. I am aware nowadays that is how my brain works - and its fairly fucky. I also do it at the micro scale passing through rooms. I will say, go to get a glass of water. And then spot a piece of rubbish. And then a t shirt. Then realise I need to pee. And end up putting a bin out, going upstairs and never doing any of the other things. At times I can get caught in a loop where those things each precede the next until I get back round to the start. I have sometimes had to stop myself, with a stupid idiot comment to tell myself just fucking pick a thing and do it. Some of it is like some fucked up efficiency thing. I will go to pee, but say to myself wait. I should put the kettle on first - it will boil whilst I pee. And wait. I should stick the washing on, because it will work whilst I pee. Some of the rest of it however, is just literally fucking dog sees squirrel level of brainwork reacting in turn to each new thing I see.

This is, apparently, textbook ADHD. Including the bit where you forget what you just did 3 seconds ago in that chain of events. Which I do all the time to the extent that I have to be very disciplined with where I put my wallet, my phone and my keys, otherwise I lose them. Instantly. For reference. My dad has exactly the same thing going on.

In any case. For all those reasons this is why sometimes I do a whole heap better with someone around me that isn't like that. They can, to a lesser or greater degree push me along, unstick me, or find the unfindable.

Looking at the wider aspect of everything in my life there is a vague picture there that everything in my life runs like that. And this is why I can be passive. And also why I tend to do better with others "running" bits of my life.

Doc appointment is next week. Inadvertently booked at the same time as my blood test. Flaking out hilarity might ensue.

I am tired. And ache. And have half a migraine. I need to sleep to try and get rid of the worst of it.