Aug 25 ½

 Can't sleep.

Dipping in and out of feeling unwell and feeling ok - whilst just lying in bed. Not great.

I feel unwell so often now. Just. Doing nothing. Standing up is worse. I don't know. On a whim I have decided to get myself some rehydration salts. It has floated across my path a few times about the importance of them. And in the past on the rare occasion Hazel has offered me a drink with them in, I've noted they don't taste salty at all. Which. Apparently. According to Hazel. Is a sure sign I am deficient in them - they don't taste salty when you are deficient, and salty when you've had enough. I am not sure how water tight science that is, but a cursory glance through anecdotal evidence and even some more sciencey approaches seems to back it up.

So maybe I am salt deficient. It's definitely true that there are times I have little salt in my diet. I never salt food after cooking. But I am not shy of salting things either - particular starchy carbs. So I dunno. It's probably horseshit. I don't need rehydration salts. Christ. I am lying in bed for most of the day on most days. Not exactly sweating out my electrolytes.

Anywho. It's an easy thing to test for a while.

But really. I am getting some in because I am considering doing a serious fast. A 48 hour or longer one or the like. I regularly fast in an at least an 18:6 pattern. Not because I plan it that way. But because I just don't eat. Some particularly bad days I can do 24 hour fasts with a half hour of eating between each. And do that for days. Oh you might say. No wonder you feel ill and low energy. You're not eating properly. Uh huh. On the less common periods where I am not eating like that - and I graze little bits a lot - it makes no difference to how I feel. And in the past. Doing a 24 hour on off thing always made me feel a little better. In general. I feel better when I don't eat. And these days. Way worse when I do. Rock and a hard place however. Not eating also opens me up to feeling like shit because... I haven't eaten. But more often than not. It makes me feel better not eating.

What else whilst I can't sleep.

My smart TV has had a dodgy ethernet connection forever. It's a pain in the ass. Slick. Funky. And a fucked up connection that likes to drop out about 5 minutes after booting up. Given the pattern of failure and my general IT consultant programming idiot savant spider senses, I am 99.9% sure it's not a hardware issue, but a software issue. Either firmware or Android TV with shit network code. This is also backed up by the fact that the exact same issue happens regardless of make of TV. Same network dropouts on Android TV. So it could be one of two things here ( once you've ruled out shit like dodgy ethernet cables, routers et al ). 1) the network hardware is the same in all the different makes of TV, and theres some issue with the hardware or firmware. This is possible. No one makes their own ethernet hardware anymore. It's made by one of a handful of makers that then supply it to everyone else. Realtek is one. Intel is another. So it's possible whilst the TV makes are different, the ethernet hardware is the same. However. The prevalence of the issue across TV makes leans me towards surely not all of them can be using the same hardware, so its probably not that ? ( it definitely could though ). 2) the software, or firmware is fucky. Given this seems to happen on android tv across different TV hardware, it seems like the common denominator is in fact Android TV.  I think. There is some driver incompatibility bullshit that goes on. But. Like a lot of this stuff at this level, Google - author of Android TV software - refuses to acknowledge there is a problem. For anyone that has had deep rooted bugbears in motherboards, GPUs, routers, you know the score here. From time to time shit tech rolls off down the production line. Be it software or hardware. And the companies, by and large, ignore the issues, refuse to do much about it, and just quietly move onto the next model. It's kind of shit. It's also the way it works.

So. I've popped in a USB / ethernet stick into the TV to see if it fixes the inherent dodgy fucking hardware / driver issue. I have a strong suspicion it will ( because it goes through a different interface, namely, USB , different driver, and, different hardware, so whichever way round the problem is, the USB stick probably ends up solving it ). It's annoying you have to do that shit. But not entirely surprising.

I've ordered a new USB / ethernet stick to "replace" the now used one in the TV. Having these as a spare is always useful. They are inexpensive, but on occasion absolutely necessary. Particularly with some more modern laptops that have dropped an RJ45 port altogether - too bulky for the ultra thin nonsense ( in fact the laptop I am typing this on has exactly this problem - no RJ45 ).

A glutton for punishment, everytime I walk through my dining room, regardless of how ill I feel, I am now picking some small thing up, or fussing with it. It is within a whisker of being clutter free. Well. As clutter free as I get. It is I have to say, satisfying. It has been a hot minute since the dining room was clear - and in my defence that wasn't my fault. Someone else turned the room into a heap. And it has taken me this long to get it back in order. Low energy problems.

I have a goal in mind clearing up the dining room. To make it immediately untidy again.

I have kind of set myself a task of scratch building a medieval fortified inn. In 10mm scale. My friend - who when he has half a chance is super into miniatures and scratch building - has just recently bought himself the 28mm version of this from GW. It's lovely. Albeit. Over busy. But I noted that surely that was a scratch build project, not a bought one. So. I've set myself the project. He has bought the 28mm version. I am going to scratch build a 10mm version.

Doing so will create a lot of mess and shit. I intend to make it. Then give it away. Or maybe sell it if possible. But probably just give it away - I don't want the clutter.

This is what I am aiming for -

... which to me, is eminently scratch buildable. Boxy simple primitives. Easy. Famous last words. And in 10mm. Doubly easy. I can't say I am entirely sold on the aesthetics of the piece. It is very... modern Games Workshop. Which is to say, overdone caricature. I think with free reign you could do a better job than they have here. The question is however whether you want to replicate what they have - a test for yourself - or just use it as innovation to make something adjacent to it. Eh. Now I think about it. Whilst the copy would be a real test of skill in matching - and that's something I like doing in art. The better enjoyment would be freestyling something better. Uh huh. I dunno. I think. I will probably freestyle it.

There have been some moments where I question what the point is. Pointless project. No meaning. No joy. Why bother. And it's true. But I just ignore it. And turn on the hyper focus, this is the problem, what is the solution. Let's go. Because perhaps. In the process. It keeps the mind busy on doing. And less on grieving. And being miserable. Or being aware of how unwell I feel.

I dunno.

My friend has offered a few times to come visit me for a week or so. And scratch build shit together. It is his very pointed way of trying to help me. Support. Keeping me distracted.

It is by and large his efforts over the last few months that have kept me from completely self destructing. Of maybe not even being here. I am aware of it. He is aware of it. He has spent a lot of time with me online. Keeping me engaged. And it works. Most of the time.

He has been a great support. He is low key horrified at the lack of support I get. He has also started straight up addressing somethings in my life as me being pathetically grateful for even the smallest of trivial kindnesses done for me. He firmly believes that I am some form of beaten, traumatised neglect case. Which. As it's his profession to spot these things and diagnose them. You. Kind of have to listen to.

I am fortunate to have him in my life. He is a good guy. Complex. At times a pain in the ass. Not without flaws. But overall. Overwhelmingly. A very grounded good person.

If nothing else, if I were to cark it tomorrow, he has made the last few years much more bearable than they otherwise would have been. He has made me laugh even when I am at my most bleak. He can cut through my darkest points. And he gets it.

There are few if any people I regard as just out and out selfless good people. He is one of them. Very unusual. And endlessly fascinating.

I am glad I am friends with him.

Today was a tough day for him.

Which I wont get into. So today I spent time with him. We played a game he wanted to lose himself in. And by the end of it, he said he felt better. The game had done its trick. Released the anxiety the drama the shock. He thanked me for spending time with him.

Heh.

More than welcome. What goes around, comes around.

As I always say. If we all help each other a little bit. The world is a far better place.

I am not completely without use just yet. Not. Completely. Pretty threadbare. But still a little something.