Aug 28 addendum

 Good god today was very bad. One of my worst. With a minor funny turn in the early evening.

I only started to feel a little better around 9pm. By 10.30 pm was a bit better, fragile, tired, and ready for bed to repeat the cycle.

I don't know. I scraped the bottom of the barrel hard today. Going up and down stairs was bad. Standing in the kitchen was bad.

Sigh.

I can't believe I am anywhere but standing right on that edge at my low points. Even staying in bed is not good. Any attempt to rouse myself - I tried - I have a spurt for literally a minute and then fall back worse.

I have to tell myself it's ok.

Don't worry. What's the worst that could happen. You die ? That's ok.

I could do without the lingering and anxiety and awfulness. 

Tough titties.

I hope tomorrow is better. Please. Let tomorrow be better. I can't keep doing this.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Feb 29

 Anxiety is still riding very high. It's sketching me into weird corners and avoidances. Don't like being out of my bedroom. Don't like being away from my bed. Everything is a tangible holding of breath until I can go back to bed. Very sketchy. I am doing something to try not to give into the rampant mini phobias popping up, but, I'm also giving in at times and just retreating to my hole. And sleeping. Today I dropped off my overnight blood ox monitor. I did a bunch of "anti" things that I reckoned would trigger more the worse end of my sleeping spectrum, and it kinda worked. I woke up at 4am groggy and out of it. I dozedly checked my blood ox. 97%. Perhaps it means nothing. Perhaps it means it's not blood oxygen and sleep apnea. I went back to sleep. Anxiety smothering me I went out to drop off the monitor. Outwardly. I just did it. Inwardly, screaming, don't go out, don't go out, I don't want to go out. A sense of dread. A sick feeling. Awful
Read more

May 9

 Athenas back left leg is limp. Lifeless. Just. Gone. Her right one is only vaguely there, still trying to walk a bit at times. But. No strength. Folded. We have got her up a few times today, to drink, pee, poo. She has got accustomed to being carted around in a sling, her front legs still working. She still looks up. Wants to know what you're eating. She is, as she ever has been, still Athena. Still interested. Still awake. And tomorrow at 11am I take her to put her to sleep. Her legs are gone. Not just an overdid it. They are gone. I do not know or understand how they suddenly went from fine to not fine in 15 minutes. But it has happened. And they show no signs of reversing. Today I made the stupidly hard and fucked up and awful decision to put her to sleep tomorrow. I have crucified myself over it. Today ? Tomorrow ? Monday ? Next week ? Tomorrow. There is no hope. She will not recover. And I will have to snuff out her good life, her beautiful soul, full of curiousity and confid
Read more

Mar 10

Image
 Athena's condition remains pretty much the same. Somedays she is a bit better. Somedays a bit worse. I talked with Hazel about it. The result is still the same. She is living her last two weeks. And it's as comfortable as we can make it for her. It is very hard though because she is fighting every step of the way. She has not collapsed and given up. She wants to get up. And see what's going on. And ask you for food. She hobbles around and tires herself out. But refuses to lie down. I think at times when her meds wane a little she cannot quite get comfortable enough to sleep. Eventually the painkillers kick in. And she sleeps. Today I lied down with her in the dark and quiet front bedroom. Waiting for her to relax and sleep. She kept shifting in tiny ways. Constantly looking around. And I was thrown back to a forgotten memory. Of when she was the smallest pup. And she would not sleep on her own. She used to cry the house down for an hour. Too much. In the end I would go dow
Read more