Aug 28

 Stomach issues. Nausea. Dizzy. Everything is flaring hardcore. It is very not good.

Despite all that I am fighting tooth and nail to be "normal". And dragging myself out.

But. I think it's probably doing more harm to be honest and just wiping out any dribble of energy I have.

Yesterday was doc day. I went out feeling not terribly bad - I think my sleep was slightly better - and got to the docs for my blood draw. As I sat waiting I started to feel worse. If I had a pound for the number of times I have declined whilst sitting in a GPs office, I would be well off.

Did the blood draw. Are you ok with taking blood ? Yes I said. And I am. But I was starting to feel ill. Maybe she saw it. Who knows.

Bloods over, journey home I was worse. Way worse. I made it home ok but it was not good. And I immediately went back to bed. Supposed to be a work day yesterday, but I felt so ill that I slept.

Mid afternoon off to see the GP. I had recovered a little in my sleep. And had a chat with him about what to do about the SIBO.

In the end he has prescribed me a couple of weird and wonderful medications, neither of which are available on the NHS, and both are pricey. An antibiotic and something else.

He asked how I was feeling. Terrible. We got to talking about my gastro issues. The tests. And that what I really wanted at this point was an endoscopy to go have a look to see if anything obviously physical was wrong. He said an endoscopy was reasonable at this point, but was tentative about it, my blood results didn't indicate bleeding or inflammation - despite being acknowledged I suffer from widespread inflammation - and so it was probably there was nothing very sinister like cancer going on. I made the point that I am trying to methodically check what is going on where an answer can't be found. I have had some kind of gastro issue at this point for 4 years, it kicks in repeatedly, and as of late it has got worse.

Result of that is endoscopy is not happening - yet.

We talked about whether it could just be SIBO issues causing problems, IBS, sensitivities. What. Don't know was the upshot.

So. We will run the course of meds for the SIBO and see if it has any effect. We are also going to run an allergy / sensitivity panel to see if it picks up any kind of food issue I might have. We discussed the possibility of celiac and how that couldn't be the case despite some foods giving me maybe some issues, whilst others - full of wheat - did not. So. We're doing some slightly weird sensitivity panels.

And then we will have a review and see where we are.

 Outside of all the on paper theoretical things we can be doing and progressing along, on the very real side of the road, I am deteriorating.

Quibbles. Pontificating. Theories.

I decline.

At the moment, I am lucky if I get a period of normalcy somewhere in the latter evening. Sometimes, somewhere around 9pm or after I get to a place where all the bullshit has quieted enough that I can think, I can potter about, and I can breathe. The rest of the time is some variant of shitshow - or - me masking hardcore and then paying the price for it. 

Yesterday I was out and about for a few hours - the meds were a bugger to track down, and are still in the process of being sorted out - and had to be up and with energy.

Today. Inevitably. The price is paid. My of late even worse condition was worst of all today. I have not shifted from bed.

I slept 9 hours and dragged myself awake - if not out of bed - for the morning to help one of the guys with a problem at work. Solving that, and then picking up another query as I was doing that. I did that. Then slumped back into sleep.

14 hours of sleep I have dragged myself out of it again. Feeling unwell. Heavy. No energy. The day is mostly burned.

I have made a call to the pharmacy to check how they were getting on with the meds. They think they can get them in by tomorrow. Price is cheaper than estimated. A mere £160. Which is fine.

I haven't done a huge amount of work this week. Enough to be useful. But I am ill. And tired. I am well aware that at some point work may move entirely beyond my capabilities. I have made that more than clear to Andy for at this point years - ever since I got seriously ill in 2020.

But we shall see. Perhaps it's a downward push at the moment. Perhaps the meds - when I get them - will sort me out. Even miraculously sort me out.

I have Poppy as of next week. The timing is pretty terrible. I Could really do without it. But I will put up with it. Unless something changes though I think in future I will have to decline being able to look after Poppy - at least for a month at a time. Just not capable. It's not good. I know - it is Hazel all over. Terrible at planning. Terrible at contingencies. A bit too willing to sacrifice shit to just get over the line - the ends justifying the means ( not good ! ). But I know that about her. She always takes a mile if you give her an inch. In future with Poppy though, I need to say no. A weekend is fine. A week is pushing your luck. A month is a firm no. At least whilst I feel ill. Which. Lets be honest. Is always going to be the case barring some miraculous recovery.

My optimistic plans to scratch build something seem hilariously misplaced. I honestly can't stomach sticking a bit of paper on another. Like trying to do difficult math with really bad nausea. Your brain doesn't want to know. No concentration.