Aug 29

 Slightly better physically today - which may or may not be something to do with the fact I took 2 aspirin at bed time, but mentally it has been a disaster.

Today my mental health has been atrocious. Anxiety. Sadness. Mood swings. Anxiety so bad I didn't want to leave the house. But I did. I threw out the old food bins I had used for the dogs - plastic bins that I kept their dried food in to keep it fresh. With my mental health being all over the show, just throwing those out was appalling. It hurt. A lot. Just another one of those reminders that it's over.

I picked up my meds today. Tried to be normal. It's hilarious. I sit there in the pharmacy doing my best to mask. All the while the creeping horror and disassociation kicks in hard. The real world is dreamlike. It doesn't feel real. I am floating around. Nothing matters. It doesn't matter what the time is or day is. It all blends into one bit of suffering. It is surreal. And awful. I can mask so well. I can have a conversation with the pharmacist. I seem so normal. I am so not normal. It's like a puppet routine. Here is where you say this. Now do that. Well done.

Back home. Tired. I couldn't face doing a few more out and about trends. I did not have the mental strength to do it. I just wanted to go home.

There is definitely a bit of panic forming everything I do at the moment. I am drowning. It is hard not to panic when you are drowning.

To top it off I had a horrible dream about Athena. About her getting ill in a way she never was. Like insult to injury.

I need to pick Hazel up on Sunday so I can commence the whole looking after her for a month.

In hindsight this was a terrible mistake. I should never have agreed to it.

I am somewhat annoyed that Hazel is flitting off to the US despite me increasingly communicating to her that I am not doing good and is just ignoring that - in the way that she does - so she can dump responsibility and go to the US. 

I will get through it. But I am not doing this again. Unless I get much better. She will have to figure that out herself in future ( formerly it has either been her dad or me that looks after Poppy ). 

Tomorrow I have arranged to go visit a friend and play a game. This is not me feeling better. This is me stubbornly trying to do something that I am not cut out for at the moment. Trying to fight.

We shall see how it turns out. I suspect, if nothing else, it will give me a few hours practice in masking. I may even chill a little.

I am suffering hardcore at the moment. It is grim. I don't see it getting better. My health has been slowly going backwards. My mental health today seems to have decided to join in.

Waiting for the end.

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