Aug 8

 1.23AM

Just like the other nights of late. My mood drops. Down, and down. More and more sad. My insides turn to knives. Lying awake in the dark. Not sleeping. Athena runs around my head. Bouncy. Happy. Gone.

I am suffering again.

Awesome.

I have given up lying in the dark miserable and woken up to instead come write this rather than bump along the bottom of my own personal hell.

My eyes are a mess. Spent half of today squinting. Sore eyes. Bruised. Stinging. Worst of all, close them for a while, and on opening, they don't quite work right. Focus that wont come in. Blurred. Not the first time this has happened.

Great.

I tried giving them an old school eye bath with some stuff I got from the pharmacy on my last trip. No difference.

Not to worry. A series of GPs say it is indicative of nothing.

That's ok then.

Today was hard on the work front. Exhausted. And by early afternoon a migraine threatened to take hold. A grumbling headache above the right eye that soon tickled my nausea. Yeesh. I had to take a nap.

I finished some work off. Offered some advice and help. Nailed a deadline for Andys meeting bright and early in Sheffield. So. On paper. Still useful. Still hitting my marks. Uphill struggle though. Not for the brainpower. That I can still do by and large. Just trying to drag my shitty health and exhaustion to the task.

Early evening, I decided to very slowly work out if my backyard hosepipe reached the front. I have had an idea to give the car a proper clean with the power wash. But I was pretty sure it wouldn't stretch. I took my time and didn't overdo it - my exhaustion fluttering in the background. It didn't stretch. Uh huh. It's a slightly fancy hose however, one that has lockable bits on it, and, in a brainwave I figured they must have extensions for it. Surely ? They did. Easy. So on the spur of the moment I decided to head out, pick them up.

I got in the car and hesitated. Should I tell Hazel ? That was on her side of the city. I could with only a little extra effort go pick her up see if she wanted a drive. It could be a pain. I am tired. But in the end I decided to shoot her a message. Kind of surprising given my reticence in the last several weeks. I have to admit it was something of a coin flip as to me bothering.

So I did that. Got my new extendable hose. And then went and picked up Hazel. We stopped at a supermarket to get her a few very minor supplies. And she picked up some sushi as a snack for me. As I hadn't eaten all day. Or drunk much.

She was kind. And sweet. She talked about Poppys adventures and the dogs they had met. Poor Poppy is literally getting older everytime I see her. Today she hesitated about jumping out of the car twice. Too high. Where once she would bound out of it. Now. She hesitated. Both Ares and Athena had been down that path. Bouncy. To cautious. To incapable. It's a sign they are starting to hurt in their joints. Life, is a very cruel shit bag.

Today apparently I was more talkative, but not animated. Hazel is about to book her US tickets. So September is looking like the month she will be away. I told her about work. This and that. We went to get a burger and a milkshake. Then I got her an icecream. Took her home. And we sat in the car for half an hour more, just talking.

At the end. I shared. That. I was still in shock about Athena. I couldn't process it. Still. I teared up hard. She patted my hand. And said that Athena was a huge character. So difficult to lose. And that she had been dreaming of both Ares and Athena.

Ho hum.

Poppy had gone to sleep in the back of the car. But then she was restless. Needed to get out. Pee. So I left them to it and drove home.

It was nice to talk to Hazel today. Better than some previous days. I think perhaps she has realised she, maybe inadvertently, maybe a little irritatingly, had not been exactly nice to me a while ago. And she has corrected a little. A little kinder. A little more considerate. A better friend.

I guess we all can have good days bad days. And complacency with me is so easy. I let my boundaries get driven over. I will do what you need. And not push back. I am I think easily hurt. Because I don't protect myself. 

Anywho.

I came home to an empty house. Very aware that once upon a time, even pulling up in the car near the house would have got two noses pressed agaisnt the window. And shortly after a wet snout pressed against the letter box. Followed by happy wiggle bums.

But now. Just empty.

Don't think about it Johnny. It's ok. Well. It's not ok. But. Don't dwell on it. Too much. If you can.

So I placed it carefully to one side, and didn't think about it again.

My brother had sent me a surprise message.

Was I busy. Working. He would be home for a week or so. I could come down.

Very surprising. Given how quiet he has been.

I wonder if he and my sister exchanged words. Mostly I had listened to my sister, but a bit at the end. I let my mask drop a bit. So sad. I missed Ares and Athena. So hard. Walking around with a hollowed out inside. We talked a bit about other dogs. And boxers. And maybe getting better and getting another. But. It was communicated. Not well. Maybe not entirely in depth. But I was horribly upset, and sad.

I put the mask back on, and we finished with bread making machines I think.

But perhaps my sister said something to my brother.

Maybe not.

I guess today was an ok day for me. What passes as an ok day for me. Exhausted. Had to nap. Half a migraine. Shitty eyes. Very sad. But also got out. Spent some social time with another human. Got some work done. Got something to eat.

I have very low bars these days. A win. Is not being 100% shit.

As miserable as it is.

I should have died in that winter of 2020/2021. And selfishly of me, I would have ended up not losing Ares. Or my mom. Or Athena. Nor have had to limped through the remaining years chronically ill.

I survived. But. I am not sure it was a good thing. Pretty sure it was not a good thing. Alive. But at what cost.

Nevertheless.

Here we are. And I have to make what I can of it. Apparently. 

There better not be a God, or Gods. If there are. And I meet them. I will do my best to fuck them up. They are literally the worst. But, there are no higher powers. Just the randomness of the universe. I heard Stephen Fry say something sage the other day, as he is wont to do, about how people often shift the narrative to something human. The pandemic. It must have been caused because people were careless. Dirty. Not strict enough in enforcing quarantine. Not a good enough response. Etc. As opposed to just something that happens out of your control. That many things in history were often framed by being a punishment from God. People not pious enough. Not selfless enough. Instead of it just being a random universe that did horrible things. Because. There was an element of control by framing it as a human problem. Control. That something might have been done. That something could be done in future. Because the enormity of being powerless against an uncaring universe was, perhaps, just too hard to face. Better to blame yourself. And have it be within your power to fix. Easier to stomach that way.

Uh huh.

The human mind recoils at the scope of the universe. It has to reframe everything back to a pantheon. A meaning. Philosophical contortions. That we are special. The center of the universe. Special souls. Instead of just the most insignificant grain of sand on an endless beach made of many grains of sand. And that beach, is just one of countless beaches. We cannot cope with that. So we invent our world around us. And stick a crown on our own heads. Special. We matter.

The primitive existentialist response, to the nihilistic reality.

The retreating of sanity in the face of the infinite. Back into a make believe world.

We are primitive and simple. Scared little apes. Staring at the boundless stars. Trapped in a fate we can do nothing about.