Aug 31

 Friday. I dipped in and out of sleep in that heightened anxiety mode I now get whenever I have an appointment I need to keep. This one was visiting a friend to play a game. Not something you should have anxiety about. Not something a normal person should be in and out of sleep and fucked up about. But I have long since wandered off the path of normal. And whatever my rational brain may think of it, the animal inside of me reacts how it reacts. Anxious.

So Friday saw me exhausted. Poorly slept. I ate a little something in the morning, and then napped until just before lunch, when I had arranged to turn up. I ended up late. Sleeping all over the place. But as I headed out the nausea kicked in. What I had eaten earlier had as if by clockwork, set my stomach off.

It is predictable at this point. Consistent. Eat something. And then sometime later, anything from 5 minutes to an hour, the nausea kicks in. I feel ill. The tiredness kicks in even harder. My head spins.

I gritted my teeth.

All I wanted to do was lie down. Sleep. Ease the nausea.

Instead I grabbed my car keys and headed out. Feeling utterly sick and ill. A faint prickle of ill sweat on me. That sweat you can get when you feel ill. Or a kick ass migraine. Or about to pass out.

I got to my friends, and felt exhausted and weak. I slowly shuffled from the car, up the stairs to his flat, sat, feeling ill, and just asked for water.

We talked. Played a game. And as the day wore on my nausea lifted, I felt less ill, less shit. I ate nothing. And I felt better for it. But I was tired. Bone deep tired. My body and everything is just under assault all the time. Remarkable I am still upright.

I still think they should do an endoscopy.

Came home and all I wanted to do was slump into bed.

I resisted. Trying to stay up and awake. Go to bed a bit later. I didn't manage it. At some point I lapsed into hard sleep. This is what I do now. Continually zoning into sleep, dragged there whether I like it or not. It is a hard indicator of how ill I am.

Saturday. I have felt a little bit better all round. But. Again. Ate. Then nausea. Another friend back from a week away wanted to play a game online, so I joined them. Sick to my stomach. Wanting nothing more than again to lie down, sleep. So exhausted.

But again I gritted my teeth. Ride it out. Upright. It is not pleasant. Or probably smart. But I hate that it dictates to me what my life must be.

The nausea doubled down, a headache followed it. Everything was hazy. 

I Shuffled downstairs to get a drink, take some aspirin.

And slowly the nausea settled the headache faded.

So I haven't done much today. But. Felt a bit better. Despite feeling ill. Headache. Nausea. Hilarious. A decade ago I would have said today was a bad day of feeling unwell. Nowadays, its a bit of a better day. My days can get far worse than this.

I have snipped this part of what I wrote. I wrote a long diatribe on Hazel. Snipped. She is. Difficult. Random. Perpetually fucking things up. And I have come to realise of late just how corrosive she can be. Not that I didn't know that. But. I think the final measure has become more clear of late. Don't get me wrong. I am still her friend. And will still try for her. But. Difficult. I have expended so much time, energy, care, money into her. 

Anywho. Enough. I am not going to start back up on the diatribe. Let's just leave it as, difficult. Complicated.

I am picking her up tomorrow, so I can look after Poppy for the next month whilst she goes to the US. I have left it to the last minute. She is flying out monday morning. I am not picking her up until Sunday evening. I am giving it the shortest possible time of staying with me / having Poppy. That decision alone is telling.

I can do without the whole thing. I am not well enough to take on the care of a dog. If I was. I would get another dog myself. I am not. But I will look after Poppy for a month. Of course I don't have anything against Poppy. And she is always welcome. And I will do my best. Of course. Dogs come first in my world. They are blameless. And happy go lucky innocents.

Hazel on the other hand.

Uh huh.

Tomorrow I will potter around finishing off putting a few things away. A little cleaning if I am feeling well enough. If I am feeling very good I may go out to buy a couple of storage containers - I could do with a couple with all the tidying I have been doing.

And if I am able I will stick a vegetarian korma in the slow cooker. From scratch. A second attempt at it. For myself. But also. Hazel should give it a try. I think she will like it. But there too. I have changed. Am changing. It seems perhaps I am finally losing that compulsion to always please others above and beyond myself.

I think. Very slowly. I am beginning to ask myself what I want. Not what others want. And being more forthright in walking away from someone or something when it is not what I want.

I don't know. Perhaps I am just in a funny mood. A low ebb of patience.

I don't know.

Since Athena has gone I am changing. My ill health has forced me to change as well. I have to take more consideration of myself now. But also. I am tired of giving, and getting little in return. And I think I am more than past the beginning now of getting used to being solitary. That bit of me has died with Athena. The person I was is dying, has died. I sometimes think that some of the grief I have felt is that understanding. That me, the old me, is dying and has died. That person I was. Can be no more. And I am sad for that. Truly horribly sad. I liked that person more. The sillier one. The one that liked to find sticks with their dogs. That liked finding lovely spots in forests and trickling rivers. The one that liked exploring places with four legged guides. That person has died. Gone. And I think. I grieve for that, as well as everything else.

But also somewhere in there, the benefit of doubt I give people. The leeway to treat me as an afterthought, I don't count. It is changing I think. And if I am on my own. That's ok.

It is perhaps the final step in being jaded, cynical, disappointed in people.

I know it is not true of everyone in my life. There are a few - increasingly few - precious people out there that I think I will always have a connection to. Even in my most isolated moments.

I don't know.

Changing.

I miss Athena and Ares everyday. It makes me horribly sad.

But I am continuing on. Changed. And almost certainly not for the better. But it is what it is.

Perhaps I will change again in time. But I cannot see it. It would take something quite remarkable.