Sep 12

 Struggled to do any work this week. The gout in my left foot is as bad an attack as I've ever had, the worst of it being when it flares overnight and prevents sleep. All the painkillers on top of each other can just about take the edge off, but, really, you just have to lie there, take the pain, not sleep, and just wait for time to pass.

Less than good.

Watching TV can help to pass the time, and eventually, slowly, it gets to a point where you are so tired, and the pain has had its edge taken off that I can sleep with it.

But it means my sleep schedule is bonkers. And working is a hard ask.

I am back to hobbling around the house yet again. When I look back at this year the realisation is that I have spent a substantial chunk of it unable to walk properly, and in some cases, unable to walk at all. You can kind of lose sight of the bigger picture, fighting the day to day miseries. The big picture doesn't look good.

But then I guess, take another big picture look. All of this, if not exactly predictable, is kind of to be expected. That I would be a disaster during and after losing Athena. Perhaps it is coincidental. I am not sure it is.

There have been a few spots where the painkillers kick in harder, and, so long as nothing moves, the pain comes way down. It is. Ironically. Leaving me just a tiny bit euphoric. Oh. This is ok. Life is not so bad.

Hilarious.

I get this on the back side of killer migraines too. That short period of euphoria, when the world seems better and sparkly and amazing for an hour or so, before it dulls back down.

I put it down to a massive wash of endorphins trying to even things out, and when the downsides are dialled down, you end up with a net positive of endorphins making you feel a bit better - despite it really not being the case.

Anyway.

Just thankful for those small oases of lesser pain. The euphoria is, really bizarrely, improving my mood a little. Despite me being in absolute shit streets. I don't know.

Or maybe it's the codeine dulling everything down.

The codeine has such an effect on me. It slows everything down. The full high powered dose I have starts to make everything just a little fuzzy when I'm alert. And when I'm asleep... it pushes me right down into semi comatose. I woke up again yesterday with a super foggy head. I weaved about on my walk to the kitchen. Couldn't think straight. This is, likely, me stopping breathing in my sleep again. The codeine really tickles that apnea response. I think because it slows everything down. I can see how people just fade out on heroin now.

I don't enjoy it. And if anything I have the opposite of an addictive response to it. Don't like it. Don't want it. I take it in extreme need. But then pretty quickly stop it. It also, at times, tickles my already shit nausea response. Which again, like clockwork, I got yesterday too.

So I am feeling ill - as per usual - and also extra amounts of pain. Which is quite the thing. I find myself feeling very antisocial. I don't have the energy for it. Then again. I say that. Maybe one or two people it doesn't feel like a stretch to talk to. 

I will try to do a bit of work today. Give some guidance. And then slump back into self care, not moving much, and hopefully letting my body repair. Meh. I did leave a missive with the GP that my gout is flaring badly. And that I need an appointment to discuss meds. We shall see how that goes over.