Sep 13

 Felt thoroughly sorry for myself yesterday. The foot gets a bit better... then gets a bit worse. Much like either of my feet have been doing all year. And it always seems to break down during the night - gets much worse. That's probably symptomatic of something. 

Yesterday I managed to get a little useful work done, nothing too bonkers, but, at least I didn't feel entirely useless. Tried sitting down to put a little work into scratch building but ended up feeling too ill. Which tanked my mood. Incapable of sitting at a table. With a pencil. So fucked.

I tried playing a game. Similar result. After 15 minutes. Felt green. So I gave up and went to bed.

I decided to do a full dose of painkillers. Included the strong codeine ones. Which can always be iffy. But. My mood. I no longer cared. Take it away. Or let me not wake up again. Anything is better than where I am.

So I did that. And watched some TV whilst they kicked in.

An hour later, everything was warm. And fuzzy...

... and for the first time in I can't remember how long, I had no pain. Zero. It was mind blowingly different. I got that sudden realisation of holy fucking shit, this is what I used to feel like. Lying down. Warm. Comfortable. Not in pain. Feeling like I am properly resting. I realised. This was what I no longer got.

My foot twitched ever so slightly and a zing of pain went up from my toe. Ah ha. Pain. But it subsided. And I did my very best to just not move at all. Sink into the bed, into the warm fuzzy feeling.

It was lovely.

Hmm.

Is this why people get addicted to painkillers ?

If so, I can see why.

I can't say I've ever hit a sweet spot with them like this before.

But I felt better. Lying there in the dark. And my mood was a lot better. Not bleak. Not hopeless. Just enjoying not being in pain. It was lovely.

I slipped off to sleep.

I woke up early. Slightly fuzzy. But. Ok. Rested. Holy fuck balls. By 7am I was good to go. Good to go ? At 7am ? What sorcery is this ? Usually that takes me til 2pm.

I got up to pee, drink, and then went back to bed. Because. Fuck it. I wanted more of that. The pains had returned, but subdued. So I ate a little something. Took my painkillers. Not at full strength this time. And went back to bed.

So today has been better.

And my foot seems to have done better after getting a better nights rest.

I dare say in short order things will return to shit. But. Be grateful for the reprieve, even if temporary.

It does make me wonder if I should lean into the painkillers on bad days though. My response with the codeine can be iffy. But sometimes. They kick ass. Variable.

I am eating super light today. In the hopes of trying to manage any nausea and make it through a day without feeling utterly sick. We shall see.

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