Sep 24.2

 Took Poppy for a walk. She had a little bark in the car at a passing dog, but after a short conversation with her telling her that that wasn't something we were doing, she was a good girl. We went to the meadow, the cows were out, she was perfectly behaved, didn't react to them, walked nicely past them, perfect. She is at this point used to cows - it's one of the things it's important to do with dogs, get them "socialised" to different situations and experiences so that they can understand what's going on and not freak out. Cows are one of the things Poppy has been exposed to multiple times, and at this point, she has it down pat. Nothing to worry about. Trot on.

She said hello nicely to a few other dogs, and all in all the walk was lovely. I miss taking a dog for a walk so much. It was wonderful to be out in the green, the fresh air, with a faint chill on the Autumn air raising goosebumps and a dipping sun turning the clouds shades of charcoal and orange. Beautiful.

We said hello to a few people. I have missed that too. The low intensity bonhomie you often get between dog walkers.

No doubt. It was good for my soul. My mood lifted. Better. I could breathe again.

We went home, Poppy was still on best behaviour, jumped out the car, into the house. Just like Athena used to do. No leads. No need. Just like Athena. You get to a point with them where you can be sympatico. They understand. It takes just a click of your tongue. A whistle. A finger point. And they understand. It is something deeply satisfying to have that level of communication with something. No arguments. No fucking around. Letting them have their curiousity sated. But keep them safe. And always listening to you. It is remarkable. But no fluke. 15,000 years of selective breeding.

This evening I also had an invite to go gaming. At the pub. I had left the message unreplied to. I was not good company. I did not feel good. I wasn't going to go. I was trying to frame how to say it. But prior to my walk I had changed my mind and decided to go if I could. After the walk, despite feeling better, I also felt worse. Off. Slightly dizzy. Slightly sick. Not a huge surprise given my health, but also, just how inactive I have been. Even a mild stroll after such inactivity can risk the wrath of the exhaustion demons.

I took a bunch of pills. Two painkillers. Mental meds. Gout meds. The whole kit and kaboodle. Ignored how wobbly I was. And went out.

And it was lovely. Gaming with two of my favourite people I haven't seen in years. I laughed at something during the rules. He laughed back. I have missed your laugh he said. Strange what people take from you.

We caught up on what everyone was doing. It was good. I got invited round for tea. And afterwards a message sent, that it had been lovely to share space with me again.

Despite at times my demons getting the better of me. And telling me I am no good company. And shit. And everything else. There is love out there. I appreciate every single bit of it. I have a hard time absorbing it. And a harder time remembering it. But I appreciate it probably more than anything else.

So today has been better.

Poppy was lovely. Gaming was lovely. My mood has improved. And as my mood improves my love of things returns.

Brain chemicals suck. Depression is a terrible thing.