Sep 5

 I managed to maintain yesterday and didn't fall ill in the latter half of the day.

So by all measures, yesterday was a better day. Fragile. Iffy. But better.

Today was harder. Pains in the morning. And the exhaustion dogged my heels keeping me in bed until just before midday.

At which point I got a call from my not sister in law. To meet up somewhere in the city.

I gritted my teeth through exhaustion and made my way into the city.

Getting to the venue and just sitting there was not easy. I felt drained. Slow. Meh.

But slowly I warmed up. Eating something helped. And by the end of it I was ok.

In the end spent a lazy 4 hour lunch chewing three 3 small courses of food ( I mean small, the bruschetta was the size of your thumb - delicious, but tiny ).

It was nice. She was in good form, a lot happier and calmer than I have seen her in a long time. I suspect her decent paying recent contract has helped bring all her anxieties and everything else down a notch, if not completely gone. I am glad she is doing better. 

Talking briefly about Athena cut me up. Still. 4 months she has been gone. And it still kills me. I teared up. The lump rises into my throat and I can't speak. So hard. I miss her very much. And miss the person I was. Ho hum.

Dropped my not sister in law off in the city, went home already feeling the tug of sleep nipping at my heels. So - after the obligatory bout of shits - I went straight to bed and had a nap. And felt better for it.

This evening I started relatively positively, not too bad, but as time has worn on my thoughts have scattered and I have become sketchy. Uncomfortable in my own skin. Just that whiff of crazy mentalry and everything being 2 degrees off kilter. Uneasy is the word. Everything is just a little... alien... and a little... discomforting. A very vague air of anxiety lies over everything.

Sigh.

I am doing my best to ignore it.

Today was my last batch of antibiotics. Both courses are now complete. And hopefully I will stop having the shits from this point. Will it have done anything ? I have no clue. I have started loading up this evening on priobiotics and all sorts. Getting a sample of anything and everything into my gut in some random attempt to reseed it with something beneficial. I think the problem is, nothing is as good as your mom when you're a baby. Be it in vitro or via breast milk. Everything after that is somewhat fakery. Nevertheless.

If I can manage it I might pick up some kombucha tomorrow. Its fermented nonsense is supposedly a decent thing for your gut flora - and I've had it on and off before and quite like it. Not sure I can bring myself to drink keffir. But maybe I should just get it, tank it, hold my nose and get on with it. It's not going to be a regular thing that's for sure.

In theory I need to stop all my meds from today to do the 4 day prep for the food panel test. If I start today it means I can do the test on Tuesday and get it picked up. I probably should. I doubt the food panel will show shit. But it will cross a thing off the list. Pointless, pointless list crossing off. But what else am I going to do. And you never know. One of those things might be the thing I need.

I'm trying to maintain at least some positivity this evening, but my sketchy mentals are making it hard. I could really do with a heavy distraction, almost certainly in the form of another person. And probably a bit of TLC. Fat chance of that.

Tomorrow - also if I'm up to it - I will go have a walk with my friend. And talk shit with her. And see if we can get to the bottom of her sorrow. I am pretty sure I already know the answer. I am also pretty sure that she does not - or rather will not - know the answer. She knows it. Somewhere in there. But the truth is scary. And she is scared. And she will dance a hundred other dances and make herself miserable before confronting that truth - if ever. She is, I fear, destined to always be unhappy at this point. A slave to her own tenacity. Which is often the way. We are often the hand behind the torture that makes us unhappy. Because of whats "right". Or whats expected. Or what has been beaten in to you to do. Tow the line. Do the thing. Retreat from the thing that scares you. It is human nature.  But we shall see. Maybe I am wrong.

I have some crafting supplies turning up tomorrow. Matchsticks. Glue. Plastic. Nothing ground shaking. But a bit of optimism. That somewhere in there I will be able to have a little stab at scratch building.

Yesterday. I was called brave. For dealing with what I deal with. Struggling. On my own. I am surprised it is visible. I said I did not feel brave. But it was awful. Terrible. Miserable. What else am I going to do. But. I was surprised it was said.

Life is shit.

The world can be beautiful. Nature is awe inspiring and wonderful. But life is cruel and arbitrary and torturous. It will show you love and wonders and then take everything away from you. Without reason. Without meaning. It destroys children before they have lived. It strikes down parents. It causes endless suffering. It is a cruel and brutal existence in an random and uncaring universe. Our brains should never have been able to perceive its cruelty, we should have just lived in that happy moment that dogs live in, never grasping the bigger picture and its horrendous reality. Just the joy of a serene meadow, and a lovely dinner. The horrors of the universe should never have been revealed to us.