Oct 11

 Took Hazel home yesterday. She faffed about a bit as per usual, organising anything with her is an excercise in patience. Often it's just best to ignore it, do something else, until she says she's absolutely ready, and then, wait another 30 minutes. I think she has got worse over the years. Yesterday she loaded her suitcase, put Poppy in the back of the car, just need to get another bag. And then proceeded to disappear for 10 minutes. It's bonkers. I have no clue what she does. Goes inside and stares at the wall. I don't think she has an appreciation - or care - that people are waiting on her. She was worse when she left for the States. That was teeth grindingly bad, watching her put the trash out whilst I waited in the car with my thumb up my ass.

Eh well.

She actually asked if I would be ok in response to me saying the house would be empty without Poppy. Ah ha. Now you think to ask ? So I briefly explained, part of the cost of me looking after Poppy would mean that the progress I had made in getting used to being on my own would have to reset. Start again. This is not an insignificant - or unseen - cost. The things you ask me to do I said... and let it trail off with a frown.

She has said that if I needed her to call. Not sure what I can do she says. Uh huh. She thanked me for looking after Poppy, it was much appreciated. I gave a wan smile. I did not say no problem. Which I am getting out of the habit of saying. Sure. No problem. No no. It was a fucking problem.

So the house is mine again. Which is nice. Even when Hazel is not threatening to explode, having her about is an additional burden that I am only now kind of beginning to properly realise and take account of. I don't mind per se. But it is an extra burden which in the light of me having to very carefully manage my energy levels and health is definitely an ask. I think the difference is, when I was healthy and had energy, such stuff was easier, but still difficult, to deal with, and me being me, I just hand wave off issues and soldier on.

Last week and a half I have cooked dinner on all but one day. Which has been nice. But also a bit of a pain - always figuring out what I can cook that Hazel will eat as well as me. And somedays it's a costly expenditure of energy. On all but two occasions I did all the washing up. I know this is a quick trigger point for Hazel. She does not like washing up. And reacts badly when there is washing up. At her place literally everything is in the sink, unwashed. She gets into that funk of hating it and not doing it. Which is fine when its just her. When there is someone else in her living space, then they are the lightning rod for her anger. Is it fair ? Hell no. But it is a thing. Also she has a terrible habit for plates and cutlery. She will again literally use four times the amount of stuff I do. To make something just like noodles. There's often half a dozen bits of cutlery, 3 or so plates, bowls, et al. She will use something once. Then not use it again. Quickly wiping something clean and reusing it never occurs to her.

All in all she has a lot of bad habits you can see have accreted. And no one has checked her. Probably because she is often alone, and any attempt to do so is often met with defensive surliness, anger, or an outright assault.

All of the above is wearing. It takes an amount of effort to share a space with her. It is very very far from having someone actually help you, or support and life being easier. I think at this point in my life I'd probably die of embarrased gratitude if someone did that shit for me, it now being so alien an experience.

The house is indeed empty without Poppy.

I have had to check myself several times already in the last 12 hours with little mental jumps that are very slightly jolting. You realise that you are used to having a dog following your steps. Always wanting a bite of what you're eating. Protocols for opening doors. Going up and down stairs. Habit makes you think of giving a piece of what you're eating away. And then you realise there's no dog there. Oh. Or the pause before you open a door - I need to be careful not to let them escape. Oh. There's no dog there. I think the front door one is the hardest. It's just a baked in pavlovian reaction. In a way it's remarkable how much you absorb and how different your behaviour is. It's also remarkable how sticky it is, and even after you take away the stimulus, the response remains. It makes me ponder how slow we are to adapt to things. How much good or bad you can inflict on yourself. How easy it is to pick up bad habits and the like. And how much it infuses into you, insidious, like a cloud of nicotine smoke, perforating every pore of you. And like it or not, it warps you.

I think we like to assume in our illusion of us being some perpetual even handed always me unchanging version of ourselves, the identity of me, in our heads, I have always been me, I am unswayed by outside influences, I am objective, etc etc, and yet. It's not true at all. We are easily coloured by the influences and daily stimuli we have. Often dramatically so without us realising it. And I think like a lot of mental things, we can often then internalise it, try to rationalise why we feel a certain way, look around for something to blame. When its cause is just some random behaviour affecting thing. And then we ascribe a wrong reason for it. Oh I feel bad because... because... I hate this house ! Everyone around me is mean ! My dad goes on constant holidays ! And it's not. It's us. And something else that has caused us to lose balance which we are blind to.

It is the downside of our pattern matching brain. It always looks for patterns in things. Which is a strength. And a weakness. It means you see castles and faces in clouds. Which is harmless. It also means you see daggers in the shadows, and sources of irritations, when they are no such thing. Realising your own senses and rationalisations are an unreliable witness is a tricky thing to manage. But I think it is a habit you can get into. Like perhaps you take everything else others do with a pinch of salt. Do the same for yourself. Oh I feel terrible because the world is shit ? Or should I take that with a pinch of salt because my brain chemistry is particularly fucky today, and I am not seeing straight.

Of course the very best illusions have a bit of both columns. Yes. The world is shit. Also. Your brain chemistry is particularly fucky today. Yes. You can dislike your house. But it's also more to do with whatever else is causing you pain. Unfulfilled life. The rut. Whatever.

The best "lies" have a grain of truth in them.

Anyway.

Whatever.

I am in the process of getting used to not having a dog around again. It is taking some conscious effort to adjust. The habit whiplash is real. I am getting older. And slower to adapt. Which sucks. I believe ( ha ha ) however that I am ahead of the curve on it. Or rather behind it. I am pretty sure I am more open minded and less slow than others of my age. I noted such narrowing of mindset decades ago in my cohort ( and was sad about it ). But. Of course. That subjective illusion. I could be full of shit and just the same as them. I don't think so. But heh.

I am currently not feeling terribly sad about any of it.

Poppy is not Athena. Not Ares.

I don't have that bottomless pit of loss with her that I do my two beautiful mutts.

So there's that.

I miss them every day. And if I am not careful I drop into a pit of horrible sadness and tears. I am getting better at just touching it, caressing it, and then stepping away, thinking of something else before it properly sinks its claws into me. But I often do it. I don't go a single day without something crossing my mind. And sometimes I do get very sad with it.

Losing Ares was extremely hard. Losing Athena was worse. Surprise. I badly miss the happy sassy smart girl in my life.

Sigh.

Anyway.

I think. That's another thing dogs do for me. Like Poppy being here. They snap me out of things with their presence. It is hard to continue on a downward spiral of misery when a dog gets up licks your face and wriggles over your lap. It snaps you out of it. I think I need that. I need the occasional slap round the back of the head. Hey. Dumbass. Quit thinking.

The more time goes on, the more clearly I can see my own neurodivergent behaviour. The upsides. The downsides. How I am very clearly not in the typical pot. And acting like you are, or that it has no impact is not helpful. Information is power. Understand. And in understanding you can then make choices about what to do. Getting a diagnosis of a health problem for instance is empowering. Not knowing leaves you rudderless.

Today. I think I will potter around with some fake cloisonne. Have I mentioned cloisonne ? I can't remember. I am learning how sand cloisonne works. In preparation for "enamelling" my fancy box(es) of cards. It is finnicky. But not beyond capability. And it's quite cool. Albeit very time consuming ( at least the filligreeing is ). I might post a picture at some point.

On a related note my eyes are total shit. I have grown used to never seeing anything in sharp detail anymore, and close eyesight being almost hopeless. Changing glasses helps. But everything is now a very imperfect solution. My eyes. Are shit. Ho hum. Despite visiting the opticians every 11 months. I might go back again. Get yet more glasses. An endlessly hopeless effort to counter my failing eyesight. Meh.

For the record, because, eh, I don't know. Dinners I have cooked ( from scratch ) in the last week or so include :

Five bean chilli. Delicious. Vegan ! Honestly you can't tell the difference between it and a meat chilli. Which leads you to the conclusion that chilli is good not because of the meat.

Chickpea and sweet potato tagine ( vegan ! ), served with rice and flatbread. New for me. Never cooked a tagine before. It was very nice. A bit too sweet for my tastes - I am not a big fan of sweet in savoury with a few exceptions. I put 3 dates in. And that was plenty. I think in future I might try cutting back even more. 2 dates ? 1 ?? I think zero would work, but it would fundamentally change what you had. The sweetness is part of the deal. Anyway. It was good. Ras al Hanout and a smidge of harrissa. Zest of a lemon. Half of its juice ( which tasted good at the time, but after a slow cook I am thinking maybe it could have done with all of the lemon juice ). Tomatoes. Onions. Peppers. Garlic. An extra dose of cumin. A small shot of smoked paprika. Nice. I didn't have to, but I slow cooked this one after "cooking". Let it sit for just over 3 hours to really let the flavours blend and marinate. Lovely.

Roast baby potatoes with spinach ( vegan ). Crunchy. Nice. Done in the ninja. Could have done with more seasoning to my tastes. Hazel polished these off with gusto. She has been mildly offended at the normal size portions I have got into the habit of making ( instead of oversized portions ).

Mashed baby potatoes with skin on. Butter. Milk. A dash of mayo ( I love a bit of mayo in mash ! ). With a vegetable stew ( vegetarian ). Twice. The mash was gorgeous. I like doing my mash with skin on potatoes these days. Gives you a bit of variable texture. I am not one for the whole "riced" mash bullshit. You need some texture left in your mash in my humble opinion. Super blended instant mash like mash is just... shit. Your mileage may vary. Hazel tried this mash, declared it was salty - yes it was, I wanted it that way - and then, barely a second after declaring it to be so, stuffed three big forkfuls in her mouth. Uh huh. But by all means. Complain whilst ravenously eating it. Clearly it was good. The lady doth protest too much.

I can't remember what else I cooked. Everything was done in the ninja. The amount of energy it saves me is crazy. I don't have to hover over a pot. I don't have to continually check the kitchen. I can just leave it. And walk away. Nothing burned. No pots boiled over. Nothing cold. Fab. And a single pot to wash. Although that being said I have been making a lot of use of the new plastic rice cooker pot I have that goes in the microwave. It has been brilliant. Another energy saver. Stick your rice in. Water. Put in microwave. Set a timer. Walk away. Come back however long later to perfectly cooked rice. No pots. No watching it doesn't boil over. All the whilst something else cooks in the ninja. Honestly, something slow cooked in the ninja, and the rice on a delayed timer for the same length of time is the easiest bit of cooking ever.

But then there are days I can't manage it at all. And on those days. Hopefully I have some freezer things left over. Currently. I have chilli and tagine in there for bad days. Huzzah.