Oct 14

 I am fighting to stay on the slightly better side of shit. I have a tiny bit more energy. A tiny bit more capability. Versus sleep dragging me down. Pains. The usual. It's a battlefield at the moment.

Yesterday I got my eyes retested. You don't need an eye test for another year they said. They said that last year too. 

I have got somewhat used to my eyes just being shit these days. Bad at short. Bad at mid. Bad at long. Glasses are a problem for me now, with a single pair, or even multiple pairs just never being right. Shit at everything. My long range glasses are probably the best of the bunch, and do an acceptable job of giving me long range vision. But it really is long range vision. Anything closer than a meter becomes a blur. Short and mid range is problematic with any glasses.

So. I had had enough again, figured I would see if I could get a new pair of glasses, another attempt to fix shitty sight.

As it turned out my eyes had indeed changed. Short range had got worse. No shit.

So I have a couple of new pairs of glasses on their way. I wanted a pair of short range and a pair of varifocals, but I ended up walking out with basically two different kinds of varifocal. I am not sure this is the right call, but I am going to give it a try based on their advice. I always find optician advice about lenses somewhat dubious for me personally, because I am such a sensitive princess about being able to see without blurs - and a lot of lenses you get blurring in places. Opticians are not worried about this. I am. But anyway. I will always heed the advice of experts first over and above my own stupidity. Evidence based learning. Listen to the experts. Let them guide you. If on evidence they're shit. Then go off piste. I think that's a good rule of thumb for anything. Trust advice. Don't blindly trust bad advice. Scientific. Innit.

Hazel also somewhat irritatingly popped up on the radar yesterday. It's been 3 days. Are you in all day she says. No. Opticians. Oh. She needed her meds. She had left a small amount of mental pills with me as an emergency backup. Predictably it had taken 3 short days for that "emergency" to then happen.

To be frank, I was not in the mood for any of it.

I was sorting myself out. Having to deal with Hazel - just a few days after sending her home - was absolutely not on my agenda. I wanted to get out. Get it done. Get back home to catch a friend.

I told her where I would be at what time in the city and left it to her.

She duly arrived half way through my appointment. She was fine to be honest. No problem. Do you want me to wait or leave she said. I am not bothered I said. And continued on with the always slightly uncomfortable process of selecting frames.

Ended up having late lunch out - a lovely burrito... so... it would be rude not to buy Hazel lunch too. And then. Sigh. I took her home. She insisted she could take the bus - I think she must be sensing my patience is wearing thin with her. But I took her home.

Got back home myself with a small headache at that point, and then crashed hard. Slept well into the evening. I had felt ok out. But on getting back, yeah, I paid a price. Crunch.

Today.

Just by chance I have a whole bunch of things being delivered today, a whole bunch of things all coming to fruition at the same time, and, as I am ever in a state of somewhat flakiness these days, I am feeling overwhelmed.

I am carefully watching it, and understanding my own patterns, and very highly likely that weird neurodivergence thing.

I have many things to do. A lot of cool things. Some less cool things. And I have started to flap about too much. Which one first. This. That. Oh no. Mess. Wait. And I get locked in place. Like a rabbit in headlights. It is interesting. There's definitely some level of incapability there where I get too much "stimulus" in at once, and I end up overloading. It's nothing dramatic. But it is very real.

I have started to get tired just thinking about it - really. And my defensive pattern was then to want to sleep. So. Lots of things turning up. Lots of things to do. My response. Retreat. Sleep.

Ok. Interesting.

I am doing my best to calm myself and unwind the flap. Slow down. Nothing is mandatory. Take your time. One thing at a time.

Easier said than done.