Oct 17

 I am taking it beyond slow today.

Sleeping. And more sleeping. And doing very little.

I can feel my batteries are low, and, resting barely gives any charge back at all. But it does help the tiniest bit. Slowly.

This is of course what they say CFS is about. Your batteries are permanently low, and, they don't recharge. That description feels absolutely apt at the moment. I can feel my energy levels, and how even with a solid 12 to 14 hours of sleep, the needle barely moves up. Conversely, act ballpark normal for an afternoon and the batteries drain flat.

Tricky.

Last night I opted for an ibuprofen. The pains were particularly bad. So. Fuck it. I am taking an ibuprofen. It makes a difference. It takes the edge of the pains. I think with a sustained dose it does better, but I am loathe to continually munch on ibuprofen unless I absolutely have to ( ie, killer gout ).

Despite being in hardcore rest mode today, I am not in a comfortable spot. This is the ironic rub of me having all this lovely leisure time and rest time - I actually get little from it. Recuperating quietly is something that part of me continually rebels against. Waste of time. Boring. Restless. At times I can hover in between a deeper rest and something partially awake, thinking, dreaming, itching to do stuff, but incapable. It is frustrating. It is not a happy clappy relaxing lounge on a beach. It is instead fingernails down a chalkboard.

The trick is to try and keep yourself busy with something whilst at the same time not overburning, not expending energy, and keeping it fresh. 

Uh huh.

Watching stuff on the youtubes et al only gets you so far. Reading is out - eyes are shit, concentration is shot. And everything else, from coding to crafting to yada is a dis-satisfying smear of bleh. Itchy.

Like a grumpy bored 8 year old who doesn't want to do anything.

It's a bit of a funk, and can be hard to get out from under.

Really all I want to do is sleep. The brain however has other ideas.

Today, more boxes have turned up. I have three different boxes now. I am mulling over exactly what to do with them and how to fit a bunch of cards in there. I have kind of figured out what I need to do, but I am turning it this way and that, nailing down all the possibilities. Also I am keenly aware I barely have the energy to consider that, let alone following through and actually doing some shit with them. Perhaps for a better day. In the meanwhile I can have a think. If I muster up the effort I will post some pictures of the boxes and share the - as my friend likes to call it - creative process.

I want to cook another tagine today. I am out of chickpeas. I consider nipping out to get chickpeas. I could do that. If feels like an uphill battle. But I could do that. I am supposed to be resting today, not fucking around going out again.

Meh.

I need to stock up on chickpeas so I don't have to run to the shops to buy a single can.