Oct 26

 It has been a rough patch of days.

When isn't it these days ?

I have been sleeping a lot. Finding it harder and harder to wake up. To warm up. Pushed deeper into twilight.

It's a lot of things. The aches and pains. The exhaustion. Physical things. But it's also mental. In all senses of the word I am dying. A slow undramatic, unheralded quiet kind of fading away. I think a greater part of my sub conscious is just done with it. Given up. Hopeless. Just drift away. Wanting oblivion.

It is getting very difficult to even sit up at a computer. To drag myself into a chair to play some games. It is hard. Some days I can't do it at all. I am not doing it because I am eager to play something. Looking forward to it. I am doing it for some vestigial response to, I really should at least say hello to someone.

When I am done playing a game I find I am relieved. Tired. Eager to be back to oblivion.

Obviously, from some, lah de dah, bullshit "normal" human response it's a bad thing. A bad place.

I find I am in orbit about it. A form of disassociation maybe ? I don't think so. Just. Alien objectivity.

I cannot find hard logic that backs up an approach of "normality", what a productive human looks like etc. Sure. It makes sense in the micro sense. At the macro scale, none of it makes sense. Nihilism. We are tiny unimportant idiotic monkeys banging around, hauling pebbles up and down a beach and being pleased with ourselves. The planet burns. And behind that. A dozen more catastrophic consequences of our own myopia. Meanwhile. The idea of holding onto what is "normal" seems ludicrous. "Normal" got you to a Fermi's Paradox solution of a planetwide extinction. Normal considers rampant over consumption, over production, ignorance of facts, truth, logic, to be just fine.

To bastardise a quote.

"Your evaluation means nothing. I've seen what you think is normal."

There is I think at any level a major degree of absolute delusion and madness to the human experience. What we consider "normal" is just the generally accepted mad delusion. After all you cannot deny that our current lack of wisdom at avoiding self destruction of ourselves and our biome is anything but absolutely bonkers. And yet. We persist.

Scaled down to a single person, you might call them suicidal. Mentally challenged. Clearly a danger to themselves. And lock them up.

But at a societal level. And a tacit agreement that Everything Is Fine. Even though clearly it isn't. It's deemed "normal". It is normal you should hop out of bed and trip off to work. It is normal that you should covet a new washer. A new dryer. An enormous truck on your driveway. It is normal to fit into this into a functional way and not resist.

If that is your normal. I don't think you are ok.

As the increasing question asks at the shrink level. Is widespread depression dysfunctional, or, a rational response to a depressing world ? At some point doesn't not being depressed when things are depressing actually become the dysfunctional response ? Or in short. It is reasonable to be sad, when your environment is sad !

Anyway.

Rationalisations aside. Yes the world is nuts. That doesn't mean I am not crazy and therefore validated. Both things can be crazy. The world. Me. But just in differing ways.

Like I say. I am not sure that to be human isn't just living in some subjective craziness. It's less a case of being crazy or not. And more just being one brand of crazy versus another. I would say pick. As in you pick the craziness that suits you. But. Another fact. It's not usually a free and easy pick. More like a gravity well that you end up getting sucked into and trapped by. Less like free will. More like Shit That Happened. Practical existentialism. High and lofty existentialism gives the idea of picking your own values and then living a fulfilling life to that end - because it agrees with nihilism, there is no point, but then takes it a step further and says, so invent your own point and be happy ! I think the practical gritty existentialist reality, is that you end up in living in a subjective madness that is largely not of your own making. It isn't objective. It isn't sane at an objective level. It is "your own set of values". But is very far from fulfilling. Or positive. It is purgatory. Purgatory also fits neatly into the definition of existentialism. Just in a far far less positive and hopeful way. Existentialism to my mind, is a happy clappy rationalisation of the complete insanity of the human experience. It's trying to plaster a highbrow smile on a piece of shit. It's ok. You chose it. Consciously. An act of willpower and intellect. Therefore. It's all good now. No. It fucking isn't. You have just picked a brand of delusion and run with it. Deflate the snooty intellectualism. And it's the same grubbing around in the shitty mud. Just the same as any cult. Or religion. Or belief. Existentialism is the practice of Intellectually Acceptable Belief In Fairies, But It's Ok, Because I Am Smart And Have Realisation. Uh huh. Sure buddy. To use a new term. Hard core copium. Perhaps we can call this theory/philosophy Dark Existentialism. The realist dystopian version of the ridiculously optimistic existentialism.

We are insignificant monkeys trying to understand the enormity of the universe, and becoming lost in the sauce.

Gaze upon the face of God and be blinded, turned insane.

At the tippity top of the scale. But at the more lower end. It's just about suffering and trying to make sense of the shifting ground at your feet. When all hope and joy has died. Shuffling on.

Uh huh.

So.

Feeling very cheery, clearly.

I am at a very low ebb.

I've stopped doing everything. No crafting. No fiddling. No cooking.

Very. Low. Ebb.

There is a sad peace there. The silence of the tomb.

The last few days I have had some bad dreams that have carried on into waking and badly affected my mood. Anxieties. Sadnesses. I was overwhelmed with grief with Ares a day or so ago. My mind played out his last moments again. It was terrible. It shifted into Athenas last moments. I think. That's almost the very worst thing you can do to me. I can only think of one thing worse. And that is the moment right at the edge of the knife, poised, to end it all. Been there. Done that. They are all absolutely horrific moments for me. It is a quibbling difference which is worse.

My mind, being what it is, despite doing a great number in memory scrubbing Bad Experiences at times, also can recall things in technicolour precision. According to my friend my recall is "not normal". He has posited that perhaps some of what I go through is a pin sharp memory that can recall terrible things, and that, being in that reality cannot be a "very good experience at all". Maybe.

But neither here nor there. It is what it is.

There is within me at the moment. Some. Slow. Greater realisation.

This stuff will always be part of me.

And.

No one is going to save me.

I think it explains my non conscious response.

To withdraw. From everything and everyone.

What. Is the point ? I have tread and re-tread the paths in life. I have seen its sights. I have no answers.

So. Stop.

Oblivion tugs at me.

I will return to sleep. La petite mort. And not the good kind.