Oct 27

 Kinda forgot my glasses today. I had an inkling it was today. Checked the date. 27th. But I had had no indication from the opticians.

My bad. The appointment had been booked for today at 4pm. I had just drifted by that. Typically these days I note all appointments and reminders down in my google calendar, because I am terrible at remembering things like that 5 minutes after I walk out the door. So. Let the computer do that for me. And everything in my house checks my calendar automatically for me, and dings me during the day. Perfect. For me.

But I hadn't noted this one down. I think because Hazel was there asking questions, and hijacking my appointment for her own glasses. But it's my fault I didn't note it down. Easily distracted.

In any case, I managed to get to the place with a small slot bump to half an hour later.

Picked up my glasses.

My new new ones seem to be.... well... meh. I wasn't entirely sold on them in the store. Something the fitter picked up on. They did indeed seem to be just a baby pair of varifocals. But. The imagined "better" lenses because they're not trying to do anything seemed to really miss the target. They just seemed all round... worse... than the varifocals. But not by a great deal. They were ok.

So I've taken them home, tried to use them on the computer. Garbage. They have the tiniest focal point. I actually started measuring it. I would take a very approximate guess that its about 1/50th of the vision area that is actually in focus. In practice this means it's like a tiny dot. Everywhere else is a blur. So. A practical upshot. To have anything stand a chance of being in focus on a 14" computer screen, you have to turn your head continually to read each part of the screen. On a 14" screen. Tiny.

This. Is shit.

I would go so far as to say not fit for purpose.

The varifocals are much the same, maybe a little better.

I don't really get it. I've had this a few times with the "variable" lenses. They are often just blurry everywhere despite being the "correct prescription" you end up with a pair of glasses that does nothing well, and most things badly.

So. I'll sit on em a few days, but then, I am taking them back. They said I had 100 days to return them if they weren't useful. So. I'll be doing that. And I think just getting a dedicated pair of short range specs. Which to be fair, is what I bloody wanted in the first place but took the advice of the optician. As it turns out, this was a bad call.

My super old glasses that also do nothing well are a million miles better than my latest prescription. They outperform my varifocals and in fact, every other pair of glasses I have.

Which is not great.

I dunno. I do wonder if all the fucking tat they try to put on glasses these days, thinner lenses, anti this, fancy that actually makes them less suitable for their main purpose just so they can be funkier. I dont want fucking funky. I want to be able to see.

Sigh.

I hate the modern world and its bullshit.

I stayed in the city for a bit and had a burrito. One of the only two good burrito places is right by the opticians. The lovely scottish girl behind the till gave me a student discount. Are you a student she said. I laughed. No. She thought for a bit. With a gym ? No. I'm just a dude I said and smiled. I am trying to give you a discount she said. I smiled. I'll put you down as a student she followed up with. I thanked her for her kindness. What a nice thing to do. Later she came over to make sure everything was ok. It was. Thank you. Very kind. Maybe she has a thing for old fat worn out dudes ? Or maybe she's just kind. In my defence, I am never an asshole. The opposite. I appreciate staff. So. Maybe that goes a little way. Regardless. I am appreciative of kindness in the world at large. It's a rare and to be treasured thing in my humble opinion.

Came home and slept. Of course. But energy wise didn't feel too bad.

My shitty eyes are a pain. It is - beyond everything else - depressing my mood. I need to get my glasses sorted out again. Sigh.

The opticians overall have been very good and helpful. Despite the fucky glasses. Recommended. I am just really not sure about the quality of modern options for complicated glasses. I still don't really get why they make varifocals so fucking shit. The model they use for them is crap. There are other ways you could manufacture the lens. I wonder if the super old school non blended lenses were not in fact better all round. Where you have one or more distinct lenses sandwiched together for distinct areas of vision. The problem with the blended ones is that also it's now one lens, what you end up with is fucking smeary vision in all but the tiniest parts of the lens. I am not sure who the glasses are then for. Easier manufacturing ? Or better vision ? I suspect the former and not the latter. It probably depends enormously on your prescription. I would guess some prescriptions work really well in that setup, and some are probably borderline unusable. Depending on the variation and strength. It's a pity that in the modern age of very advanced eye tests and the rest of it, they couldn't also figure out the suitability of varifocals at each prescription as well.

Eh well.

To be exact. I don't have the "swim and sway" problem with varifocals. My brain does just fine interpreting the varying focal points. I just literally can't get a focal point for computer work at anything but a tiny dot of vision in the center of the glasses. Everything else is a smear.

Anyway.

Apart from glasses.

I have been working a lot. Regardless of the day. I probably shouldn't. It's not great for me. But I need to get stuff done.

So I've been doing that.

I feel....

... very down. And hopeless. I am putting one foot in front of another. I think my meds are keeping me at least ballpark sane. So. I am not bouncing off the walls in a proper mental losing the plot. Just about. But. I am very far down. Withdrawn. And given up.

I don't want to live. I have nothing here.

I am tired and sad. And just want it to stop.

I live increasingly in my head. In fantasies and other places. Anything is better than reality.

Finally.

I really like awkard yeti comics. This one does a great job of visualising the whole limits thing. The way I always explained this was with lowering thresholds - the more fucked you are, anxiety, depression, trauma, whatever the more mole hills turn into unscalable mountains and just getting through a day can become incredibly difficult. This cartoon is a neat visualisation. And of the response of someone who is blind to such things.