Oct 30

 As expected, I didn't do shit on Tuesday. I didn't properly move until gone 5.30pm. And when I did move, I didn't move much.

Long term this is going to be very bad for my already shit health. But it's a slow, soft, beguiling kind of slow death. One where you don't have to do anything. One that isn't dramatic. You just. Stop. And slowly rot. And fall into endless sleep.

This is not unforeseen. It's just taken a lot longer to get to than I thought. But here we are.

There is a little glimmer in me that wants to kick.

Stop.

Go for a walk.

Yes. I know we don't have a dog.

Just just walk around the block.

Go out into the fresh air at least once a week. And once a week is ridiculously low.

So I walked around the block today. This evening. By the time I properly moved today it was gone 5.30pm again. Dark. The air and the walk was nice. All other things aside. It turns out I like being out in the air and walking.

If you had asked me that 5 years ago I would have said of course I do you idiot. I love hanging out with the mutts by a river.

But it's 5 years later. And my mutts are gone. And my heart is dead. My health is shot to pieces.

But somewhere in there. I still enjoy the breeze on my face. I guess you could at this point consider it a core piece of me then. All things stripped aside and bare, grinding along the jagged floor. I still like a breeze on my face and a walk.

There was an irony this evening, walking around the block.

I was doing exactly the thing I would be doing if I had a dog. As much as I am adamant I can't do a dog justice. Here I was. Doing something a dog would like. Looking after a dogs welfare.

Ironic.

It's not about the will though. It's about consistency. And consistency is where it all goes wrong. I can't reliably go out for a walk. Day in. Day out. Or spend time playing around with them. On a good day. I could. On a bad day. I can't. And that's the problem.

It all makes me sad. Not horribly hurl myself off a cliff sad. So. In the scale of things. Not that big a deal. Ho ho. But it does make me sad. A deep, slow, achey sad. Which sounds bad. Is bad. But comparatively speaking. It is the sunny uplands of the abyss.

Anywho.

Work. So I have done as I said. Taken a few days off work. But.

Andy has been keen to get more stuff done. More stuff to show. More stuff to sell.

It has irked me.

I have realised, and it's not that I didn't know, but, the lesson seems to have finally sunk in. That I must make time for myself. No one else is going to do that for me. Andy is not going to do that for me. I can work all I like. Achieve all I like. Burn. And Andy will want more.

I have to look out for myself. No one else is going to. My default naive stance of people being reasonable and give and take, doesn't hold out. And it's not that Andy is being an ass per se. His focus is on selling stuff, more money, more toys, more prestige, a better life for himself. And the golden goose will be squeezed to lay its eggs.

I realise people have been telling me this for years if not decades. And intellectually I understand. But I've never been able to put that into practice. I've always thought I could deal with it.

That's wrong. I was wrong. Which is not a great revelation. Even I could tell you that.

But it's the difference between knowing something and living something I think.

Perhaps finally it has sunk in with me on all levels.

I need to take time for myself, no one else will.

My thoughts shift to Athena. Ares. Tears roll down my face quietly. Can't help it. Not even really aware of it. But they do. Hmm. That wound cuts deep. Many things, layered into a sadness.

The things I prize most highly. Are love. And fun. And calm. And curiosity. And good nature. And happiness. A dog. In other words. But that just so happens to be the form where you can get that. I would be at peace with any form of that. Another person. But for me the world is not built like that. Often as not people want something from me. There is an expectation I will do something. Or provide something. Strings attached. No unconditional love. And so I think my path through life is a sad one. I have in the past been adaptable and capable and strong. And so you carry on in spite of not getting what you need. But it doesn't mean to say it's good. Or nice. Or easy. Difficult. But you do it anyway.

I am not a person that values ambition. Or wealth. Or vanity. Or prestige. Or materialism. Or any of that shit. That's not what I am about. I don't care. Just want people to be.. who they are.. and be... wholesome. Kind. Calm. Loving. Regardless of relationship.

I dunno.

I don't fit in this world.

I definitely don't fit within a capitalist framework. Anathema.

Anywho.

After today I decided to ping Hazel. See if she wanted to go for a walk. I need an excuse to walk. So. Going for a walk tomorrow. On the back of that Hazel is going to stay a few days - her idea -, ostensibly to give Poppy a break from all the fireworks around her way. I've had zero where I am. But. Different area. As shitty as it is, the less well off the area, the more fireworks you get. Ironic. As fireworks are pricey. But. It tracks. Reading between the lines I am guessing Hazel could do with putting up her feet for a few days as well as opposed to going out 3 or so times a day. If I'm up to it. I might just take Poppy out by herself then. I will get my walks with a dog. Hazel can sit.

This is not what I had planned for myself. I didn't have anything planned. But here we are. I suspect it will probably be good for me.

The UK budget has dropped today. Wasn't quite the shitshow I thought it would be. The Labour government have singularly failed to do fuck all so far, and the few minor things they've squabbled about have gone down like a lead balloon. Labours popularity has hardcore slumped in just a few months - according to the records, it's the fastest and biggest slump since records began. Which I can understand. They've done literally fuck all. As it turns out the new High Lord Keir Starmer is a rank bureaucrat. Former attorney general. And it seems. Very suited to that role and little else. As a PM he's all but useless. Given how amazingly shit the conversatives have been for many years now, it makes you wonder if there isn't just a complete void of any kind of political competency in the UK at all. A bunch of empty suits and or crooks.

Still.

I'll take unimaginative ineffective bureaucrat over crazed narcissistic dictator.

The US elections loom. Most if not all the super wealthy tech bros have lined up behind Trump. The corps are beginning to turn against pesky democracy and government. They want all the power and marbles for themselves.

If Trump wins, the US is lost imho. It will enter another dark age. Even if Trump loses, the precedent has been set, the lines drawn. The next Trump will be smarter and more effective. It would be difficult to be not be so. I doubt without major legislative change the US will avoid slumping into a darker version of itself over the next decade. The supreme court is corrupt. The voting system teeters on being entirely bought out or gerrymandered. And a large swathe of politicians openly collude with corps and foreign powers. Lies are brazenly trotted out under free speech with absolutely no consequences whatsoever. And nothing is done about any of it. Just a stunned amazement. The US needs to wake up, understand the threat and do something about it. Not just sit there. And hope it goes away. Eliminate gerrymandering for one. Scrap the electoral college for two. Reform the supreme court and the way it gets appointed for another. Ban "lobbying". Add consequences to telling lies. Add severe consquences to working with foreign powers to undermine the state. But let's be real. None of that is going to happen.

Doomed.

I think the oncoming climate tsunami will combine with the political nonsense in the US at some point to be a starting point of a perfect storm. If a new pandemic comes along too it will be a slam dunk. I think that will be it. The US will collapse. Even without the pandemic, I doubt the US survives. Its interests are too wrapped up in money and oil and pollution and (ironically) the erosion of democracy. But who knows. The unexpected can always occur. Maybe the current racist, mysoginist, corp greed thing will burn itself out.

I really, really, doubt it.