Oct 6

 The gout has very slowly receded. As of today, at it's best it's just about gone. A little stiffness and pain if I flex the big toe, but otherwise good. But within the course of a 24 hour period it goes up and down, and of course, it gets worse overnight. As does everything else.

Also despite of late minimising or keeping off wheat, I have endured pains all over and general bullshit. And the final killer. Against my better wisdom, I ate another pizza yesterday - to no greater ill effect.

So. Either the wheat thing is and off and on again thing. Or it's a threshold thing. Or it's a red herring. Hard to say. This however being the umpteenth time there has been a suspect reaction to typically bread, or sometimes pasta, leads me to believe there could be something there, but, it's intermittent.

Hazel has arrived back from the US as of a few days ago. She is staying here for the moment. Whilst I did just want to usher her home, I have not particularly felt the need to, so, have just gone with it. Complicated. We went shopping yesterday because she was out of all her treats. So we did that. The house is full of stuff I am avoiding. It's ok. I can avoid it. But like the pizza is Hazel wanting a pizza, so, I ended up skipping dinner and having pizza instead. I'm not blaming her. It's my fault. I'm an adult, a big boy, I should be able to say no thanks. On the other hand. She's not making it easy. And then just rubs it in. So. Meh.

I think I will split the difference and bring up taking her home next week. I don't want to cause upset.

Otherwise I am feeling a bit better in myself. My mood has stabilised somewhat. I have to be careful not to dip into grief and loss over.. everything.. Athena... life. I have a few things I am sort of keeping busy with. The fact that I can spend some energy on doing stuff - a little art, a little crafting - means I am doing head and shoulders better than I was. The finally receding gout has helped a great deal I think. Time. Is also softening everything out. As much as I hate that.

Poppy has been very sweet and clingy of late. Following me everywhere I go. Sleeping under the computer room desk when I am in there. Cuddling up in bed. She has been mostly ignoring Hazel to a fault. And just following me around lockstep. Oddly, or maybe not at all, she has been mimicing the behaviour of both Ares and Athena. They all have their very unique personalities. And somethings you think is just them being them. But. It must also be me. Poppy was following me about so close today that she did what Ares always did. Followed me into the bathroom, saw I was going to be in there for a while, so just lay down on the bathroom mat and got comfy. As soon as I was done, she was back to following me. Just like Ares, my shadow. I very much doubt it's a coincidence. It must be something I am doing. I am calm with doggos. And sweet talk them. Always appreciative and caring. Maybe they just respond to that. And like hanging out with me. Or protecting me. Who can say.

Regardless. I like having a shadow. The world is less cold and lonely when someone is always there with you.

Perhaps Poppy has also been helping my mood. Replacing that dog shaped hole in my heart. But Poppy is not Athena. Not Ares. I miss them both terribly. But life is what it is. Shit. And cruel. And things move on.

I am less hopeless. I am feeling a bit better. I am still fragile. And easily exhausted. But I'm doing better within those parameters.

I would however, still take that end it all pill if it was given to me. I am not sure that's ever going to change at this point. Life would have to majorly change for that not to be true.