Anxiety is still riding very high. It's sketching me into weird corners and avoidances. Don't like being out of my bedroom. Don't like being away from my bed. Everything is a tangible holding of breath until I can go back to bed. Very sketchy. I am doing something to try not to give into the rampant mini phobias popping up, but, I'm also giving in at times and just retreating to my hole. And sleeping. Today I dropped off my overnight blood ox monitor. I did a bunch of "anti" things that I reckoned would trigger more the worse end of my sleeping spectrum, and it kinda worked. I woke up at 4am groggy and out of it. I dozedly checked my blood ox. 97%. Perhaps it means nothing. Perhaps it means it's not blood oxygen and sleep apnea. I went back to sleep. Anxiety smothering me I went out to drop off the monitor. Outwardly. I just did it. Inwardly, screaming, don't go out, don't go out, I don't want to go out. A sense of dread. A sick feeling. Awful...
Therapy day yesterday. I have wandered off on so many tangents this post, I've decided to mark the waffle. So it's skippable. When I had met up with Hazel some days prior, and gone over some of the Not Great things the shrink had got up to, I got the entirely predictable Hazel response. Anger. If there's going to be a response you can set your watch to with Hazel, it's going to be be protective anger. Regardless of appropriateness. She laid into the shrink and listed the many ways that Wasn't What A Shrink Should Do. They Are Shit. etc. Skippable Content Waffle - Click me [SKIPPABLE TANGENT] Like the echo of the challenges she faces however, she always lays in 150%. Stretches the thing to some untenable level, with also some collateral damage - you also end up getting winged in the crossfire. I had been having problems with the shrink all the time. None of it was working out. Shrink is a hot mess. etc. This is patently untrue. I ended up having to defen...
Low day all round. Mood matching my energy level. I am questioning a lot of the way I think, what I do, engagement with the world at large. I'm questioning whether any of it makes any kind of difference. Above just the random noise. Just more noise. Perhaps I just need to retreat and let time pass. The friend I have who works in charity has in the past related many of his experiences day to day with dealing with challenging stuff. It's not arguable that he puts his all into his work, sacrificing most of what anyone would consider stability in his life for this work. And his work matters. It can make a difference. But there are times when it perhaps make a difference but it gets thrown back in his face. In fact, I'd say, getting it thrown back in his face is if not common, then definitely part of the experience. It can be very hard to deal with. There are times when he has become so disillusioned with it that he questions what he's even doing. This is the other half of t...
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