Anxiety is still riding very high. It's sketching me into weird corners and avoidances. Don't like being out of my bedroom. Don't like being away from my bed. Everything is a tangible holding of breath until I can go back to bed. Very sketchy. I am doing something to try not to give into the rampant mini phobias popping up, but, I'm also giving in at times and just retreating to my hole. And sleeping. Today I dropped off my overnight blood ox monitor. I did a bunch of "anti" things that I reckoned would trigger more the worse end of my sleeping spectrum, and it kinda worked. I woke up at 4am groggy and out of it. I dozedly checked my blood ox. 97%. Perhaps it means nothing. Perhaps it means it's not blood oxygen and sleep apnea. I went back to sleep. Anxiety smothering me I went out to drop off the monitor. Outwardly. I just did it. Inwardly, screaming, don't go out, don't go out, I don't want to go out. A sense of dread. A sick feeling. Awful...
Anxiety up the wazoo. Drifting into panic attacks. Not good. One of the cracks in the wall caught my attention last night. It looked. Worse. Everything looked worse. I really need to get that sorted out. A mild anxiety settled around me. One of those anxieties I absolutely hate. The ones I can't shift. I played some games with a friend. Overbright. There is an odd thing I've noticed when I am overbright. I can compensate mentally afterwards. Something towards a crash. I briefly talked about my increase disorientation. The jolts. I didn't go into it. My friend thought that it was just age. That sometimes I wasn't as fucked as I thought. I didn't say anything. Crashed out soon after, exhausted. Slept. Woke up mid early hours. Anxiety had increased. A lot. I did some code. And slowly. Like so many things. Sometimes when someone says something and I don't react. The reaction came slower. I have to struggle each and every day. Super hard. I have to struggle to bring...
Struggled again today. Down from yesterday. Sluggish. I gave up and had to go back to bed. It sucks. It's also very worrying. I don't know. Somehow I am still here, lingering. I don't want to be here, but at the same time, I don't want lots of pain and fear. Just. Bop me on the head please. If only it were that easy. Today my friend, my ex, goes to have surgery. All my positive vibes are bent towards her. I hope she can maintain a sense of zen about it. Difficult to know. For me personally, when I get to that stage, I am just a passenger. Nothing I can do. So. I just get on the ride and watch it go past. Almost a disinterested observer. I know it doesn't always work out like that. Even when I'm being very rational. Sometimes the animal creeps up and decides to dump a massive fear reaction. Ok. We're doing this apparently. In any case. I hope she does ok with it. And all things go smoothly. Life can be a bag of shit. I think in the end all we really have is ...
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