Anxiety is still riding very high. It's sketching me into weird corners and avoidances. Don't like being out of my bedroom. Don't like being away from my bed. Everything is a tangible holding of breath until I can go back to bed. Very sketchy. I am doing something to try not to give into the rampant mini phobias popping up, but, I'm also giving in at times and just retreating to my hole. And sleeping. Today I dropped off my overnight blood ox monitor. I did a bunch of "anti" things that I reckoned would trigger more the worse end of my sleeping spectrum, and it kinda worked. I woke up at 4am groggy and out of it. I dozedly checked my blood ox. 97%. Perhaps it means nothing. Perhaps it means it's not blood oxygen and sleep apnea. I went back to sleep. Anxiety smothering me I went out to drop off the monitor. Outwardly. I just did it. Inwardly, screaming, don't go out, don't go out, I don't want to go out. A sense of dread. A sick feeling. Awful...
Anxiety up the wazoo. Drifting into panic attacks. Not good. One of the cracks in the wall caught my attention last night. It looked. Worse. Everything looked worse. I really need to get that sorted out. A mild anxiety settled around me. One of those anxieties I absolutely hate. The ones I can't shift. I played some games with a friend. Overbright. There is an odd thing I've noticed when I am overbright. I can compensate mentally afterwards. Something towards a crash. I briefly talked about my increase disorientation. The jolts. I didn't go into it. My friend thought that it was just age. That sometimes I wasn't as fucked as I thought. I didn't say anything. Crashed out soon after, exhausted. Slept. Woke up mid early hours. Anxiety had increased. A lot. I did some code. And slowly. Like so many things. Sometimes when someone says something and I don't react. The reaction came slower. I have to struggle each and every day. Super hard. I have to struggle to bring...
Therapy day yesterday. I have wandered off on so many tangents this post, I've decided to mark the waffle. So it's skippable. When I had met up with Hazel some days prior, and gone over some of the Not Great things the shrink had got up to, I got the entirely predictable Hazel response. Anger. If there's going to be a response you can set your watch to with Hazel, it's going to be be protective anger. Regardless of appropriateness. She laid into the shrink and listed the many ways that Wasn't What A Shrink Should Do. They Are Shit. etc. Skippable Content Waffle - Click me [SKIPPABLE TANGENT] Like the echo of the challenges she faces however, she always lays in 150%. Stretches the thing to some untenable level, with also some collateral damage - you also end up getting winged in the crossfire. I had been having problems with the shrink all the time. None of it was working out. Shrink is a hot mess. etc. This is patently untrue. I ended up having to defen...
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