Anxiety is still riding very high. It's sketching me into weird corners and avoidances. Don't like being out of my bedroom. Don't like being away from my bed. Everything is a tangible holding of breath until I can go back to bed. Very sketchy. I am doing something to try not to give into the rampant mini phobias popping up, but, I'm also giving in at times and just retreating to my hole. And sleeping. Today I dropped off my overnight blood ox monitor. I did a bunch of "anti" things that I reckoned would trigger more the worse end of my sleeping spectrum, and it kinda worked. I woke up at 4am groggy and out of it. I dozedly checked my blood ox. 97%. Perhaps it means nothing. Perhaps it means it's not blood oxygen and sleep apnea. I went back to sleep. Anxiety smothering me I went out to drop off the monitor. Outwardly. I just did it. Inwardly, screaming, don't go out, don't go out, I don't want to go out. A sense of dread. A sick feeling. Awful...
Wake up at 8.20AM with the sound of next door replacing their bathroom. I cannot begin to describe how deathly awful I feel. Shit scraped from the bottom of the barrel. I check the laptop. Set it up for work. And then collapse back to sleep. I worked for some hours last night. I felt a little better, so, I worked. Midday. Awake again. I come out of a horrible horrible place. Everything aches. My eyes are sealed shut with gunk. A wincing pain somewhere around my stomach like a squeeze accompanies my waking. I often get this now. I feel utterly terrible. I have run out of options and coping strategies. So Trump wins with a fairly convincing win. What's the message ? America really hates women presidents ? If nothing else it's clear a large part of the US is fine with all that Trump represents. It was always going to be this way, if not now then soon. The rump of the US is morally bankrupt, happy to occupy a devoid of principles space, large on religious bigotry and hate. The US ...
Today I have done zero work. None. Nada. Zip. Despite yesterday feeling extra shitty and tired I still failed to sleep, no matter how hard I tried. It was gone 7am before I properly slept. Rather than try to slog through poor quality work today I decided to just take it off. Ostensibly sick. I kept my ear peeled for any emergencies. But otherwise. I rested. Slept. Just. Let it go. Concentrate on feeling better first. Work later. And I feel better for it. That being said. Towards the very late afternoon, feeling a bit better, let me have a 5 minute sit down planning my CnC box, I immediately felt ill again. Nauseous. Weak. Sleepy. Ok. I stopped what I was doing and retreated back to bed. I had been up for all of 20 minutes. Hmm. It crosses my mind whether some of what I go through is just all down to a dodgy stomach. A very surly and bad tempered ulcer that reaches out and makes me feel truly shit, not just in a nausea kind of way, but makes me sleep and feel weak and shaky and et...
Comments
Post a Comment