Anxiety is still riding very high. It's sketching me into weird corners and avoidances. Don't like being out of my bedroom. Don't like being away from my bed. Everything is a tangible holding of breath until I can go back to bed. Very sketchy. I am doing something to try not to give into the rampant mini phobias popping up, but, I'm also giving in at times and just retreating to my hole. And sleeping. Today I dropped off my overnight blood ox monitor. I did a bunch of "anti" things that I reckoned would trigger more the worse end of my sleeping spectrum, and it kinda worked. I woke up at 4am groggy and out of it. I dozedly checked my blood ox. 97%. Perhaps it means nothing. Perhaps it means it's not blood oxygen and sleep apnea. I went back to sleep. Anxiety smothering me I went out to drop off the monitor. Outwardly. I just did it. Inwardly, screaming, don't go out, don't go out, I don't want to go out. A sense of dread. A sick feeling. Awful...
Therapy day yesterday. I have wandered off on so many tangents this post, I've decided to mark the waffle. So it's skippable. When I had met up with Hazel some days prior, and gone over some of the Not Great things the shrink had got up to, I got the entirely predictable Hazel response. Anger. If there's going to be a response you can set your watch to with Hazel, it's going to be be protective anger. Regardless of appropriateness. She laid into the shrink and listed the many ways that Wasn't What A Shrink Should Do. They Are Shit. etc. Skippable Content Waffle - Click me [SKIPPABLE TANGENT] Like the echo of the challenges she faces however, she always lays in 150%. Stretches the thing to some untenable level, with also some collateral damage - you also end up getting winged in the crossfire. I had been having problems with the shrink all the time. None of it was working out. Shrink is a hot mess. etc. This is patently untrue. I ended up having to defen...
Struggled again today. Down from yesterday. Sluggish. I gave up and had to go back to bed. It sucks. It's also very worrying. I don't know. Somehow I am still here, lingering. I don't want to be here, but at the same time, I don't want lots of pain and fear. Just. Bop me on the head please. If only it were that easy. Today my friend, my ex, goes to have surgery. All my positive vibes are bent towards her. I hope she can maintain a sense of zen about it. Difficult to know. For me personally, when I get to that stage, I am just a passenger. Nothing I can do. So. I just get on the ride and watch it go past. Almost a disinterested observer. I know it doesn't always work out like that. Even when I'm being very rational. Sometimes the animal creeps up and decides to dump a massive fear reaction. Ok. We're doing this apparently. In any case. I hope she does ok with it. And all things go smoothly. Life can be a bag of shit. I think in the end all we really have is ...
Comments
Post a Comment