Nov 14

 Lunch was indeed wildly optimistic today. I couldn't do it. Wiped out. So I cancelled. And ended up sleeping and sleeping and sleeping... until the sunset.

Nausea is down today but present. A continual background hum of slightly green around the gills feeling.

The gout grumbles. The tinnitus screeches. And if I get up and do something useful with myself I break out in a sweat, the nausea increases, and I have to sit down.

Today I absolutely needed to go out for a few groceries.

I could have ordered them in, done the thing, waited a few days.

But I also haven't stepped outside my frontdoor in a week.

Bed, to kitchen, to bathroom and back. That's it. I could be living in a bunker at this point.

So I gritted my teeth and went out. It was not easy. I felt like shit. Nausea ramped up. Awful. Anxiety about just being well enough to not collapse somewhere out in the world.

The grocery shopping I maintained however. Not too ill, not getting worse. A slow walk around getting some necessities. More cherry juice for the gout. Some gluten free bread. More vegetable soup. More antacids. Some milk.

By the time I came home I was slightly worse, but, still, doing pretty good.

On the way back I decided to fuck it all. Fuck myself. Fuck the universe. Fuck always being ill. I went and got sausage and chips from the chippy. The chips are a pass. The sausage, fatty pork, not so much. But fuck it. I am eating like a monk and gout still shadows me. I will pay for it later.

Ate my junk food, had a sit down.

Still didn't crash.

Amazing.

I checked my weight before I left. I had dropped 2.5kg in 3 days.

Yikes.

I am beginning to approach my weight minimum I hit after enduring severe illness at the start of 2021.

Which whilst the way it's occuring is not good, the overall goal is a decent one. The more weight I lose, in theory, ho ho, the easier it should be to cope with ill patches.

In theory.

In practice might make no difference whatsoever.

I have a GP appointment for next week. They have given me a cancellation spot. Which gets me a mere week turnaround. Bonkers.

I spoke to a long time friend this evening.

She lambasted me at length for being so passive. I was too young to be so ill. I needed to push. And fight. And poke a stick up their ass to do tests. This. That. The other. I don't disagree with her. Her assessments are accurate. They suck. I am too passive. Too young. No argument. She doesn't spare her punches. Which is fine. The problem is from my point of view is that the entire system is setup to push you aside. Not give you time to go into things. Only approach one minor thing at a time. If you can even get to see anyone. And yada blah. And I am not the person to kick and scream to get a response. That's not me. I can do it for others. But not for myself. You're dismissing me she complained. I am not dismissing you. Exhausted. Tired. I don't see a good plan ahead. I need time to collect my scattered thoughts. Not dismissing. In any case. She has way way way enough of her own to grapple with. I advised her to look after herself, put herself first. Enough to worry about. Dissmising. No. I am doing what few if any do in your life. I am putting you first. I am thinking about your welfare.

Anywho.

I talked to another friend later. About the gap between what health provision is envisioned to be, and what it actually is. A service that takes care of people, provides good healthcare, looks after you as an individual. Versus what you actually get. One size fits all. Least possible effort. Almost emergency only. He made the point it was always going to be that way. Perhaps I was naive I said. I thought that it shouldn't be like that. And it likes to present itself as something other than it is. If you're going to be a bare minimum fuck you service, then be up front and say it. Don't lie about it. Pretend.

We have debated in the past the potential difference in "bad actors" of a left wing versus right wing nature.

There is an argument that goes, you'd rather an out and up front right wing asshole, who made no secret of being a selfish twat, than a left wing one who pretended to be selfless and higher morals et al, and yet, at the end of it, was no better than the right wing twat. If everyone is a twat. The twat that doesn't lie about it ends up as a lesser shit sandwich.

It's a depressing point. Particularly when you look at all the failings and hypocrisies of the left wing.

I think like many things in the modern world, authenticity is in short supply. Not manufactured. Not some curated version for your social media feed. Not some advertising blurb. Not some political spin and bullshit. Just. Honesty. The 21st century so far seems to be allergic to honesty.

Meh.

If I am feeling better tomorrow - and I hope the gout doesn't punish me for my sausage and chips - I will try giving the CnC a proper blast and engraving some boxes.

In the meantime. I have finally, appallingly slowly in my better minutes, finished my cloisonne filigree work. Next step. The fake glass.